DORAVILLE, Ga. – It sounds like an unusual heist, but police say that two men were arrested for stealing thousands of dollars of chicken wings. Dewayne Patterson, 35, of Lithonia, and Renaldo Jackson, 26, of Stone Mountain, stole $65,000 in frozen chickens from Nordic Cold Storage in the 4300 block of Pleasantdale Road in Doraville where the two were employed. The theft reportedly happened just before noon on January 12. Police reports state that the men had rented a truck and backed it to the bay doors. Video obtained by investigators show the men using a forklift to load 10 pallets of Tyson frozen chicken wings. The wings have yet to be found, but the men were put on ice this Wednesday being arrested for felony theft by taking. According to Gwinnett County Jail records, they have since been release on $2,950 bond.
“It sounds like an unusual heist.” Yeah you would think that you fucking idiot Georgia reporters. Wake up. Super Bowl Sunday. Ever heard of it? It’s a pretty big football game coming up this Sunday. And last I checked there’s like a global chicken wing shortage? Combine that with the 4-5 hour wait time on delivery and what you’ve got is the set up for a Super Bowl disaster. Well a disaster for everyone except Dewayne and Renaldo of course. Bros are like 15 steps ahead of us. Just backing up the mack truck and loading up the forklifts with $65K in chicken wings in what has to be the most sane and justified robbery of all time. It’s called planning ahead. Like how you have to make Valentine’s Day reservations 2 months ahead of time so you don’t get shut out and your girlfriend cuts your dick off. You jack thousands of pounds of chicken wings from your workplace’s freezer and stockpile them so your friends and family don’t go wingless for the Super Bowl. Just basic logic.
So laugh now. But when the Patterson and Jackson families are watching Kaepernick kiss his trademarked flexed bicep and Ray Lewis
stab people to death watch his teammates stab people to death at the bottom of a pile then take a plea deal to snitch on them with a mouth full of bleu cheese and buffalo sauce, and you’re sitting there waiting for Papa John’s until 1:30 AM, I don’t think you’ll find it as funny.
-Thanks to Ryan one of the intern finalists for the story. His PS made me laugh:
PS. Tyler Perry probably already bought the rights to this story. A set of stereotypical hijinks where one of these guys is a crossdressing grandma or some shit.