“It’s not that I’m addicted, it’s that I literally can’t function without it. Totally different.”
Metro.co.uk- Overdosing on caffeine to keep your eyes from hitting the floor during your 16-hour office shift has a distinct possibility of putting you in an early grave. However, an American company has decided to embrace this by bringing out a blend of coffee named Death Wish, which it has dubbed ‘The World’s Strongest Coffee’. Delivered in a black packet emblazoned with a skull and crossbones, the coffee is said to have ’200 per cent’ more caffeine than your standard cuppa. ‘This is not your regular morning coffee. This is not your store bought coffee. You will not find this coffee at your local diner or at your sissy Starbucks,’ its disclaimer reads. ‘Death Wish Coffee is the most highly caffeinated premium dark roast organic coffee in the world. This is Extreme Coffee, not for the weak. Consider yourself warned.’ Time magazine’s Rebecca Nelson test drove the beans, which are sold in 450g (1lb) bags priced at £13. Describing herself as a ‘former Starbucks barista who basically mainlined espresso shots night and day’ she blogged about experiencing an intense high, which was soon followed by a caffeine comedown. ‘You know that feeling when your eyes have been open for 36 hours straight?’ she asks.
I have a pretty extensive list of things that I irrationally despise, and while it’s been subject to change over the years, for some reason “coffee people” have always managed to maintain a solid foothold on my laughably arbitrary shitlist. I’m not talking about people that go to Dunkin’ and get a cup every morning so that America will be able to run. They’re doing their civic duty. I’m talking about the people that need their coffee.
I know that I shouldn’t really care. It’s not my place to tell people what they should drink, and I’ll admit there might even be times in life where I’ll actually find myself enjoying it for one reason or another. It’s kind of like how I look at homosexuality. Even though the whole gay thing isn’t really my scene, I’m not going to tell you who you should fuck, and if feel like watching a video of two hot naked girls on a bearskin rug every now and then give me a little pick me up then who am I to complain?
The problem is that people that decide to buy shit like Death Wish are the unironically mustached men in a pair of assless chaps watching a Madonna concert in their Castro studio apartment of the coffee drinking world. They’re the nursing majors with a refillable mug surgically attached to their left hand who visit the dining hall 8 times a day and won’t let you forget how you do not want to see what they’re like without it. It’s the people who complain that they need a constant flow of caffeine because they’re soooooo busy, even though they fail to realize that part of the reason they never have any time might have to do with the fact that they insist on taking a 20 minute trip to Starbucks before class so they can have someone make them a fucking a latte that costs the same price as an Adderall, only 1/10 as effective, 100x more time consuming and infinitely less visible. Coffee with 200% more caffeine isn’t the answer to anything. Just start doing lines of stimulants like a normal person.