So after roughly two and a half years of blogging in class, fitting the medical definition of “problem drinker” and doing whatever else I could to become the Jamarcus Russell of my family, I’ve made the difficult and (what I’m sure will turn out to be) incredibly ill-advised decision to quit writing for Barstool. I really wish that I had a juicy story about the reason I was leaving, but that’s what comment conspiracies are for and I’m personally really excited to learn about the actual reason that I left/was fired/killed myself.
The reality is that I kind of just want to do my own thing, so I’m moving to New York to design jeans with my Puerto Rican friend and orchestrating brunch with a bunch of 20 somethings every Sunday morning so we can talk about how hard our lives are. 3/4 of the things in that last sentence are true. I’ll let you figure out which ones. If that doesn’t work out then me, Manzo and Neil are going to get together and make Youtube videos with Jenna. So no matter what it should be a good time.
This is the part in the blog where I thank everyone for making this all possible (especially Kmarko- the Mr. Miyagi to my Danielsan, and KFC for making people follow me on Twitter) and say I have no idea where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Barstool. Both incredibly gay and cliched, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true. And as much as I hate to admit it I guess the people that read the site are kind of alright too. Were there days where I was convinced all of our commenters have a touch of Aspergers? Times I was frustrated when you bitched about blogs I said were long being too long, titles being too long, me being employed for too long and making me question the American education system as a whole? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way. So thanks to everyone for the constant attacks on my writing and self-esteem.
That’s really all I have to say. It’s been a good run. I’ve been sexually assaulted on stage while dressed as Big Bird. I got Anna Kendrick to basically admit she looks like a chipmunk. Chances are I’m going to get a call any day now from SyFy and finally make CyClones a reality. Couldn’t really ask for anything more in life. To quote my high school yearbook where I quoted someone else: “ ‘ ‘All good things must come to an end sometime.’ –David J.Matthews’ –Tall Guy.”
It’s been fun. All I ask is you remember me, and stay golden. Viva.
Editor’s Note: Nothing sums up Barstool more than the fact that I found out my head intern was quitting 10 minutes ago when he saved a draft on my dashboard titled “Tall Guy Is Quitting”