It’s Bowl Season which means two things – big time football games and a shit ton of free swag handed out to the players that won’t result in loss of eligibility and year long suspensions. Gift suites, gadgets, gift cards, the newest tech, apparel. Time to take our annual dive into all the items and pick out the absolute trash that’s being offered up to our favorite D1 athletes disguised as “gifts.” Here’s the worst of the worst, the stuff that will make even the most dedicated team player wonder why he didn’t sign with one of the squads getting iPad Minis and PS4s…
8) Belk shopping trip + Belk Bowl Fossil watch (Belk Bowl)
A trip to buy stuff at a shitty discount department store + a piece of shit Belk Bowl Fossil Watch. The ONLY two items of swag that Cinci and UNC will be presented with. Most of the stuff on this list is just one of many items that each player gets so it kind of gets made up for. Nope, not the Belk Bowl. Enjoy 25% off a 50% off no name Christmas sweater and a $15 watch, you earned it!
7) Mercury Luggage Seward Trunk (Gator Bowl)
Oh sick. A “trunk.” What are we on the Titanic? Is it full of gold bullion and trinkets and hidden at the bottom of a pit on a deserted island somewhere only to be located by an ancient treasure map? Because that would be the only thing that made owning a trunk in 2013 not completely fucking absurd.
6) Outback Steakhouse Gift Card
Outback fucking sucks. Real talk. I mean I’m all about the shitty chain restaurants. Even did a power rankings list of all my favorites that I can’t find right now. Chilis, TGI Fridays, maybe class it up a little bit at a Red Lobster. Olive Garden if you’re feeling frisky on carbs. Having said that I wouldn’t feed my dog Outback let alone utilize a gift card at one of those dumps.
5) New Era Skull Cap (AdvoCare V100 Bowl)
Oh cool a skull cap. Anything for the white people on the team?
4) Timely Watch (AdvoCare V100 Bowl)
I’ve never heard of a Timely watch before so I googled it and this is what came up. Is this for real? This is a gift for D1 college football players? Jesus, AdvoCare really putting their stamp on bowl game branding with back to back spots here. Skull caps and rubber watches with little boys with Bieber haircuts on the face. Swaggggg city.
3) Russell Athletic Workout Shit (Capital One Bowl)
Lot of little 7 year old boys in gym class doing their Presidential Fitness Tests trying to earn a blue patch are totally jealous right now. Seriously Russell Athletic? That even still exists? What was Puma too expensive?
2) Belt Buckle (Texas Bowl)
Belt buckles to help you unleash your inner cowboy. Sweet. Like I get that it’s the Texas bowl and a big belt buckle screams TEXAS as loud as it gets. But the teams getting them are fucking Syracuse and Minnesota. Don’t think the belt buckle craze has invaded New York yet but maybe I’m wrong.
1) Helen of Troy Hair Dryer (Sun Bowl)
Kind of feel like I’m getting trolled with this. Can’t be real right? I mean a hair dryer for a bunch of testosterone filled men is bad enough, but a purple Helen of Troy hair dryer to boot? Maybe they just figured since every UCLA has a smoking hot girlfriend they could re-gift it for some extra post-game pussy? Only explanation.
PS – I couldn’t decide if the Tori Richard Aloha Shirt (Hawaii Bowl) belonged on the best or worst list. Thing is so ugly it’s almost must-have awesome.