State News- A number of couches went up in flames along with the MSU men’s basketball team’s chances of winning the NCAA Tournament late Friday night and early Saturday morning. Following the conclusion of the NCAA Tournament game, in which MSU lost to Duke, 71-61, East Lansing police and fire departments handled an unconfirmed number of fires, although one official estimated the number of fires around 14 or 15 as of about 1 a.m. By about 12:40 a.m., East Lansing fire Lt. Leo Allaire said the department responded to about 26 total fire and emergency medical calls and had been busy all day. At the time, he said about 2-3 couches and one dumpster had been lit on fire. Allaire could not be reached for an update on the total number of fires by press time. At least two furniture fires occurred in Cedar Village, despite about 10 officers initially roaming the streets and blocking off exits to the area near the Red Cedar River immediately following the conclusion of the game. A single couch also was burned on Louis Street
So MSU lost to Duke over the weekend and lit a bunch of couches on fire because someone thought that was a good idea, and they would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for me, the meddling kid of Barstool U. To make sure this doesn’t happen again I compiled a few questions everyone needs to ask themselves before making the decision to fuck shit up. If the answer to any one of these is “yes,” feel free to do hoodrat things.
Is it the only sport you have?
If you live in the middle of fucking nowhere and your only escape is to live vicariously through the achievements of one team that represents your entire city, then if they lose I guess you’re allowed to light shit on fire to feel alive again. Like if I lived in Vancouver I’d destroy that city every time the Canucks lost because what else do you have to live for? Poutine isn’t even that great. But MSU is good school in a great college town with a consistently solid athletic program. You lost as a three seed in the Sweet Sixteen? Boo fucking hoo. Go do the thousand other things at your disposal to distract yourself. Save the couches for football season.
Did the refs fuck you?
Remember when Richmond gave up eight points in five seconds on three technical fouls a couple of weeks ago? If they had ten fewer loses, a fan base who cared and had that happen in a tournament that matters instead of the first round of the A10, I would have sympathized with the entire student body if and when they decided to burn the entire school to the ground. But the Spartans lost by 10 points. They didn’t lose because the refs fucked them. They lost because Mason Plumlee’s forehead basically qualifies as another player when he’s on the court, and until the NCAA changes their rulebook to recognize fiveheads as official athletes there’s nothing you can do.
Did someone die?
Boston College has nothing to celebrate. We suck at sports and even though people here convince try to convince themselves we’re a party school, we know the only reason we’re able to give ourselves that reputation is because our closest competition is the nerds in Cambridge. But deep down everyone knows the truth. As a result the closest thing to a riot I’ve experienced during college is when Bin Laden got shot in the face and we fought the power by making a lot of noise in the library. Thug life. If your basketball team somehow finds a way to hunt down and kill the most wanted man in the world feel free to storm the streets and burn a couple of effigies in celebration. Or if (hypothetically) a beloved coach dies a few months after it’s revealed he was covering up a decade of child abuse, a riot is a ill-informed but allowable response. But neither of those things happened. Poor form.
Was it racist?
Race riots are a always fun, and the argument could be made that maybe it was really centuries of subconscious discrimination that made the refs side with the objectively more Caucasian Duke team. And I’d be fine with that except for the fact that Matt Costello, despite doing close to literally nothing, played for six minutes and is also one of the whitest people to ever step on a basketball court. So that argument goes right out the window. Too bad.
Are you West Virgina University?
As far as I’m concerned West Virginia holds the patent on couch burning. I’m not going to act like I understand the logic behind it, but there’s something about a bunch of people crushing Natty Lights in a state with a culture of inbreeding that just makes it feel kind of right. After a little bit of research, I came to the conclusion that Michigan State is not West Virginia. Not only do the Spartans not know how to riot, they’re unoriginal hacks too. Get it together.