Welcome to the 4th annual Kmarko Super Bowl prop bets blog, a Barstool tradition unlike any other. Where we plow past the overblown, overcovered shit like “the game” and “the players” and focus on what’s really important about the big game: making money off the dumbest most random shit ever. Got a very solid track record on my prop bets. Never once have I finished below .500. Never. So read up, call your bookie and lock and load. Let’s do this.
National Anthem Renee Fleming: 2 min 25 sec
My favorite one every year. Nothing and I mean nothing beats the suspense of sitting glued to your TV with your iPhone out on Timer mode anxiously watching the seconds fly by and telling everyone to shut the fuck up while they wonder what the hell you’re doing. Lose this bet and it puts such a huge damper on the rest of the Super Bowl that only the strongest willed can recover. So let’s take a look at it.
First of all, who is Renee Fleming? She’s this chick.
So dramatic. So intense. Opera singer = loves attention and hearing her own voice. And most importantly, consider this quote from the Star Ledger:
The 54-year-old American soprano told reporters she has been losing sleep thinking about her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
“I’ve probably sung it through in my mind and vocally 800 times in the last three weeks,” Fleming said. “I haven’t been sleeping as it is, and now I expect the last few nights to be equally rough.”
Despite her anxiety, Fleming hopes to make a lasting impression with her voice.
“Given the strength of feeling behind this and the patriotism we have in this country, I wanted to present it in quite a serious way,” Fleming said. “I wanted to do something reverent and exultant.”
Classically trained opera singer who wants to make a big splash and show her patriotism = holding the “-AVVEEEEE” on Brave for practically 2 and a half minutes on its own. We are going so far over it’s not even funny. Lock it up.
The bet: OVER
What Will be Higher? Seconds in the National Anthem sung by Renee Fleming or Peyton Manning Passing Yards in the First Half
So I’m gonna assume Fleming goes 2 minutes 35 seconds on her anthem, which by my simple calculations comes out to…(opening up Mac calculator)…155 seconds. Now not to be a Jaworski or anything and get too analytical on a prop bet blog but I fully expect Peyton to come out and get shut down for a couple drives by a hyped up shit talking Seahawks defense hungry to prove themselves on the big stage. Probably try and establish the run for a bit and have a few 3 and outs. Don’t expect Manning to start firing on all cylinders and slinging it around until the second half. So on that sound reasoning we’re going with Fleming being higher.
The bet: Seconds in the National Anthem
I literally never lose this one. I think I’ve got it right at least 8 years in a row. It’s all about getting inside the head of the coin no pun intended. Last year everyone was drooling all over themselves to go tails, “tails never fails, always go tails” blah blah. Obviously it was heads. You can’t give tails too much shine right in heads face and expect it not to respond. Fully expecting tails to shit all over heads this year and make its triumphant return while reestablishing dominance.
The bet: Tails
How many times will Eli Manning be shown on TV during the game?
This year’s “don’t think just throw” bet. The one that seems so easy you want to overthink it and psyche yourself out and try and look at it from all sorts of weird angles. Bottom line is Eli has been all over this Super Bowl shit. Giving countless interviews, handling Peyton’s ticket situation for him, giving him advice (which Peyton probably promptly ignored). It’s an NY/NJ Super Bowl. Eli will be up in the box and I’m sure they’ll show him during opening coverage, then cut to him smiling and hugging people when Peyton does something good. Like maybe win the game. Got to be at least 2 Eli sightings if not 3 or 4. Don’t think just throw don’t think just throw.
The bet: Over 1.5
Will any member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers be shirtless during their performance ?
Has Flea ever worn a shirt? Like in his life has he ever put one over his head?
Now add in the fact that it’s going to be a “cold” outdoor Super Bowl and how uptight the NFL is about being FCC friendly and there’s just no chance at least Flea doesn’t go super hardo shirtless. Plus they’re probably fucking fuming that little shithead Bruno Mars is headlining over them. Might go pantsless.
The bet – Yes
Will Michael Crabtree mention Richard Sherman in a tweet during the Super Bowl from kickoff until final whistle?
Love the NO on this one. The actual word “SHERMAN” has to be used and there is just no chance Crabtree gives Sherman the satisfaction of mentioning his name. That’s strongly against the code of athlete beef. You don’t say the other guy’s name. Doubt he’ll even send a tweet during the game but if he does it will be “this guy” or “ball don’t lie” or something.
The bet – NO
What will Bruno Mars be wearing on his head at the start of his halftime performance?
What the fuck is a tuque?
Just a winter hat? That’s called a tuque? Fuck tuques. And fuck fur hats. This all comes down to fedora vs. no hat and frankly I think because of 1) the wind and 2) the big stage to show off his perfectly coiffed and styled hair we’re going no hat as opposed to fedora.
That lettuce is borderline magical.
The bet – No hat.
Which song will Bruno Mars perform first?
Just The Way You Are 6/1
Locked Out Of Heaven 3/1
Marry You 7/1
The Lazy Song 10/1
Loving the odds on Locked Out of Heaven here. Got to get the people on their feet and dancing to warm themselves up. Don’t wanna depress the fuck out of them with Grenade or put them to sleep with The Lazy Song or Just The Way You Are.
Gorilla is his latest song right? That’s kind of a sneaky pick if you’re feeling frisky. I’m sticking with my guns though.
The bet – Locked Out Of Heaven
What Color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
Remember last year when there was no Gatorade bath? What the fuck was that all about? People depend on this shit to pay their bills asshole. Pick up the jug and dump it on a motherfucker so we can analyze the flavor. It’s not that hard.
Anyway here are the past results.
Super Bowl 35 – Yellow (Baltimore)
Super Bowl 36 – None (New England)
Super Bowl 37 – Purple (Tampa Bay)
Super Bowl 38 – None (New England)
Super Bowl 39 – Clear (New England)
Super Bowl 40 – Clear (Pittsburgh)
Super Bowl 41 – Clear (Indianapolis)
Super Bowl 42 – Clear (NY Giants)
Super Bowl 43 – Yellow (Pittsburgh)
Super Bowl 44 – Orange (New Orleans)
Super Bowl 45 – Orange (Green Bay)
Super Bowl 46 – Purple (NY Giants)
Super Bowl 47 – None (Baltimore)
Since I think it’s a complete 50/50 toss up for who is going to actually win the game, I’ll take my chances on a Broncos win which means a good shot they have Orange. That’s how you bet a god damn Gatorade bath.
The bet – Orange.
What will be higher? Total Rebounds in the game Victor Oladipo vs Boston or Golden Tate Receptions
Harvin is playing. Baldwin is way better. Marshawn Lynch is a beast. Tate isn’t that good. Just don’t see Golden Tate racking up a shit load of receptions aside from maybe 2 or 3 long shots down the field and 1 screen pass. That’s 4 catches max. Meanwhile Oladipo in his last 10 games has only had below 4 rebounds 3 times. Yes he moved back to the bench but played 39 minutes last game, and Boston is 17th in the league in opponent rebounding. Woah, did Kmarko really just do all that research for a prop bet he’s putting like 20 bucks on? Fuck yes he did.
The bet – Oladipo rebounds
Ton of other good ones out there so if you got any hot tips that you analyzed in depth please let me and your fellow Stoolies know. Getting rich ain’t easy.