It’s a tradition unlike any other. Kmarko breaks down the Oscars and tells you who should be taking home the gold trophy on awards night. I see a lot of movies and I have a lot of opinions. Really what else do I need to be qualified?
Let me say one thing loud and clear to start this off. Zero Dark Thirty is the best movie of the year. Hands down. Just the perfect blend of everything you want in a movie – action, drama, suspense. All based on the best story and murder of all time. If you don’t like Zero Dark Thirty it’s for one of two reasons, one being you’re a pussy who hates torturing terrorists, two you’re a simpleton idiot who can’t sit through a 3 hour movie and complain because you have to pee in the middle and should be sitting front row in Frankenweenie or something instead with the rest of the mentally deficient 8 year olds. Also if you don’t like it you’re a terrorist so that’s probably why you don’t like the torture scenes. So yes it should win Best Picture and yes the fact that Bigelow is not nominated for best director is a travesty of the highest order. Who wants to bet James Cameron made a $100 million “donation” to somebody to keep her off the list. Disgusting.
Also just so we’re clear these are not my predictions for who is going to win. I don’t give a shit about that because other people’s opinions aren’t important to me. These are the Kmarko Oscars of who deserves to win what but probably won’t because they didn’t suck the right people off to get extra votes or something.
Best motion picture of the year
Amour - French movie about old people slowly dying = rather quickly die with a bullet to the brain than watch 15 minutes let alone vote for it for Best Picture
Argo – AWESOME movie. Affleck is awesome. Great stuff. Run don’t walk to see this one. Don’t think I’ve met one person who didn’t love it.
Beasts of the Southern Wild – haven’t seen this one either. No I haven’t seen all the movies nominated obviously. I’m not Roger Ebert. Doesn’t mean I can’t tell from the poster, trailer, and Wikipedia summary exactly what it’s all about and I can tell you with 100% certainty this movie is not all about winning Best Picture.
Django Unchained – Also awesome movie. Didn’t like it as much as Basterds but was still great. Saw it in a crowd of 98% black people in midtown. Needless to say it was a little uncomfortable. Spoiler alert – they say the N word at least 105,000 times. Hard R.
PS – Don’t remember the last time I was as nervous as I was when Maurice looked me dead in the eyes at lunch at the holiday party and asked me what I thought of Django.
Les Misérables – If you see this and like it you are a girl or gay. Simple as that. Like there are a lot of ambigious signs out there but this is not one of them. Seeing Les Mis + enjoying your time in the theater – total gayball. Basic rule of thumb for any movie where they sing the conversations instead of speaking them.
Life of Pi – Eh. Awesome effects. Cool in 3D. No problem with this one winning like Best Visuals or one of those nerd categories. Not in the same league as these others movie-wise.
Lincoln – Verrrrry overrated. Yes Daniel Day killed it. Yes Tommy Lee killed it. But it was just sooo borringg it was tough to get around that. I mean I’m no child that needs to be wowed by special effects and shooting people dead every 2 seconds. But you’ve got to entertain people. Zero Dark Thirty does that over 3 hours with long stretches of very little action. Lincoln doesn’t.
Silver Linings Playbook – Best comedy/drama (do people still call that dramedy?) of the year. Cooper and Lawrence are great. I remember seeing the trailer thinking this is going to be the biggest train wreck movie ever. Eagles football, random dancing scenes, Ernest Hemingway books. Turned out to be the exact opposite.
Zero Dark Thirty – See above.
And the Oscar Goes To -
Zero Dark Thirty, duh.
Runner Up – 50/50 between Argo and Silver Linings. I’ll flip a coin right now and go Argo.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln
Hugh Jackman in Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix in The Master
Denzel Washington in Flight
Oscar Goes To….
Bradley Cooper – Silver Linings. Best acting job I’ve ever seen from him by a billion. Except shut the fuck up about Nikki already.
Runner Up: Daniel Day-Lewis. Bro was literally more Abraham Lincoln than Abraham Lincoln. Like I said the movie was just too slow to be completely enjoyable but you got to respect the job Day-Lewis does. He’s the best reason to see the movie, unless you’re black in which case the best part is the ending.
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva in Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts in The Impossible
Oscar Goes To
Jessica Chastain – Zero Dark. Played the part to perfection. Loner CIA agent obsessed with her job. Totally believable. Perfectly cast. But what else can you expect from the perfect movie.
Runner Up – Jennifer Lawrence – Silver Linings. Sexy as hell. Way better here than Katniss. Wait what? No I didn’t see Hunger Games.
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in Argo
Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master
Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln
Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained
Oscar Goes To
Christoph Walz – Django. This guy can fucking act. Absolutely hilarious in Django. Here’s a question. Has anyone had a weirder 3 movie stretch than Inglorious Basterds – Green Hornet – Django Unchained? Weird villain role in bomb dud movie sandwiched in between 2 classics with automatic Oscar nods. Can’t hate on getting rich though. Oh yeah don’t forget about the Elephants movie in there too which I’d never see in a million years.
Runner Up – Tommy Lee Jones.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Amy Adams in The Master
Sally Field in Lincoln
Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables
Helen Hunt in The Sessions
Jacki Weaver in Silver Linings Playbook
Oscar Goes To
I honestly don’t care. Definitely not Sally Field. So annoying in Lincoln. Who’s Jacki Weaver? Was that Bradley Cooper’s mom? She was pretty funny. I’ll take her I guess. Homemades and crabby snacks.
Achievement in directing
Amour Michael Haneke
Beasts of the Southern Wild Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Ang Lee
Lincoln Steven Spielberg
Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell
Oscar Goes To
Tie between Kathryn Bigelow – Zero Dark and Ben Affleck – Argo. Probably will just shut my TV off when this category comes up that’s how pissed I am. Fucking Ang Lee, get the fuck out of here bro. Haneke fuck you too. The fact that the French with their stupid French movie is repped here instead of the greatest American manhunt of all time is a slap in the face and frankly disrespectful. ’Murica.