ENOLA When the Central Penn Piranha makes a house call, the objective is to smother you. Piranha players and coaches simply refer to John Taylor as “House.” He’s built, however, more like a mansion: Taylor stands 6’11″ and claims to weigh 500 lbs. Makes you wonder what the other big guys on the team say when they line up across from him for the very first time? “I said, ‘Who is this man blocking out the sun?’” recalls offensive lineman Vincent McDuffy, who’s 6’5″ and weighs 372 lbs. We’ll tell you who he is. “House” is possibly the largest player in the history of football — at any level. “Don’t run my way; pretty much that’s what I do (on defense),” said Taylor. That’s a simple philosophy from someone who makes things very complex. Taylor is a defensive lineman for the Piranha, one of the most successful teams in the Gridiron Developmental Football League (GDFL); a minor league consisting of roughly 40 clubs, stretching from Pennsylvania to Florida.

“House” has a simple job on defense — take up space. An offense can’t block, what an offense can’t see. “If they can’t see the linebackers, they don’t where they coming from, the offensive linemen,” said Ron Kerr, the owner and head coach of the Piranha. “He has to be double-teamed. He’s too big not to be.” Taylor’s weight is listed as 465 pounds on the team’s website; yet he says he was 500 lbs. the last time he was on a scale. His #71 jersey is size 6XL. Don’t think that just because he’s so big, he’s all-powerful, though. He’s quick to point out that he’s not. “There’s sometimes when people expect super human things (from me),” added Taylor. “I’m still a human.”

How’d you like to get matched up with this bro during Nutcracker drills?  Umm no thanks Yokozuna.  I’d be turning my pads in so fast you’re fucking dick would fall off.  And how does House not play offense?  How bad do you have to absolutely suck at blocking to not get put on the O line at 6’11″ 500 pounds?  Or how about fullback?  You can’t tell me a halfback blast running right up House’s ass doesn’t get you an automatic 5 yards every single time.  Every time.   Fuck it just give the guy the ball and let him bumble around full speed ahead.  Jesus maybe I should be coaching the Central Penn Piranhas.  I’d be the all time winningest coach in Gridiron Developmental Football League history.   The Vince Lombardi of the GDFL.  Y’all wanna win, put House in, let House spin coach.