Just to clarify from earlier. I wasn’t asking people’s opinions when I said the Whopper was the best fast food sandwich. I was stating a fact. The Whopper is the best fast food sandwich. That’s undeniable. But obviously people are coming out of the wood work claiming they have a different opinion so let’s just lay the power rankings out there plain and simple.
And all you jerk offs posting about how the cheeseburgers at your weird little local burger shop are the best in the world cut it out. We’re talking about big chain fast food. The Bosses of the fast food industry. Keep your small time shit to yourself.
1) Whopper (with cheese obviously)
Holy fucking shit just look at that thing. Literally salivating. Literally. The most delicious thing these eyes have ever seen. Perfectly constructed. And the thing is it almost always looks great when you get it at the actual Burger King. Not all disgusting and sloppy like other fast food burgers. Actually comes out like the picture and tastes even better. The King for a reason. All other burgers keep throwing rocks at the throne.
2) In N Out Double Double
My second favorite fast food burger option. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows that every time I head out to LA I make this my first stop. Land the plane, grab my bag, and go shove a double double straight down my face hole. Absolutely delicious and the fact that there’s always a huge distance between us definitely makes my heart grow fonder, to be stuffed full of calories and clogged arteries every time I go out west.
3) Five Guys cheeseburger
Fantastic burger. Always feel absolutely stuffed after eating one which isn’t necessarily the case for a lot of these burgers. The meat is just extra thick or something. Plus when you go in there you kind of feel like you’re in a real restaurant and not the basement of homeless poverty hell like other fast food joints. Workers in their spiffy uniforms and cool hats, fresh ingredients out for you to see, actually polite employees at the counter that don’t look like they’re on probation. Always a plus to not have to wonder if you’re going to get stabbed in the jugular by an AIDS needle while ordering lunch.
4) Big Mac
A classic. Respect is due. Probably the most unique taste for a mainstream fast food staple burger. Doesn’t touch a Whopper or even come close in my opinion but as a cheeseburger history purist I won’t shit on the Big Mac. Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions – all on a sesame seed bun and all phenomenal going down my throat at 2 AM.
5) Shake Shack cheeseburger
Blasphemy to pick In N Out over Shake Shack in NY but facts are facts. In N Out is just better. But let’s not take away from the Shake Shack burger which is definitely top notch. Worth waiting around the block for 40 minutes to order? Probably not. But go during off times and it’s worth it 1000% of the time.
6) McDonald’s Double Quarterpounder
The real mark of a great burger is when it can do simplicity to perfection. That’s the QP at McDonald’s. Simple burger, always done right. Have you ever had a bad quarter pounder? Nope, always tastes the exact same, model of consistency. Like the Spurs the past few years. Going to win every game it plays behind solid play and awesome coaching but doesn’t have enough gas in the tank to ever win the ‘ship.
7) Wendy’s Double
Same thing applies as above. Simplicity done right. I prefer the QP over the Wendy’s Double slightly but can’t go wrong with either choice. More of a round patty type of guy so that’s probably why. Squares creep me out.
8) Wendy’s Baconator
The ultimate man’s burger. When you’re craving bacon this is what you go for. Just piled high with cholesterol like an absolute beast. Whole pig on this motherfucker. Can’t go higher because it cheats by using bacon as opposed to being a standalone beef patty but definitely belongs on here. Bacon = best gimmick ever, but gimmicks don’t win you championships.
9) Checker’s Big Buford
Definitely the rarest burger on the list. Do people have Checkers near them? I had them in Atlanta for college and next to my first NYC apartment down town. Got one of these like twice a week. AWESOME burger. Just not big time enough to rank near the top. Also the delivery guy (yes they delivered) also was a weed delivery man and asked me every single time he came if I wanted to buy some pot. Always a bonus to have versatile delivery men, but I digress. The burger itself is fantastic.
10) White Castle burger
Kind of a cult following with these things. People swear by them. Biggest love/hate burger ever. Obviously fantastic hammered drunk food. Does it stand on it’s own as one of the top cheeseburgers? Certainly not. Just look at it. Such a little pipsqueak. But the die hards can’t live without them and that says something. A transcendant burger.
So there you have it. Throw your New York Times Dining section out the window and go punch Zagat in the face. This is all the food rating you need.