NY Daily News-Beware of the naked man on the roof. The one who clambered atop a house in Florida put up such a fight it took the father and son homeowers, five cops — and repeated taserings — to subdue him, St. Augustine police reported. When cops arrived, they found the man wrestling with the homeowners on a porch slickened with urine and broken glass — and showing no signs of giving up. While one of the officers cuffed Jeremiah Haughee, the other ran back to his cruiser for leg shackles. By the time he got back, Haughee had managed to maneuver the handcuffs from behind his back to his front, and was kicking at the cops, police said. At that point, the officers zapped Haughee with a Taser. Haughee toppled over a porch railing and landed hard, but got up and started fighting again — apparently unfazed by the fall. Three more officers arrived and they, too, zapped Haughee and tried to knock him off his feet with knee strikes. Haughee took a bite out of one officer’s leg before the other officers got a hood over his head and managed to get the shackles on him. The naked man wasn’t tested for drugs because there was no statute requiring him to take such a test.

Crazy people need to get a new act ASAP, because this shit is getting stale really quick. It used to be that people could piss themselves, roll around in a little broken glass and bite a cop and that was just the end of it. Just crazy doing what crazy does. But not anymore. Homeless people on psychedelics just aren’t good enough in this day and age. Instead it seems like everyday I wake up and see a different guy’s mugshot staring back at me accompanied by some bullshit headline like “Another Bath Salt Zombie Cannibal?” No. The answer is fucking no. What actually happened is another bipolar homeless man freebased some PCP and decided it would make sense to climb on someone’s roof and wrestle them naked on their front porch. That’s the most logical thought process in the world if you take the shit he must have taken. He didn’t bite someone because he was a cannibal, he bit someone because there were Taser prongs lodged in his scrotum and five cops beating the shit out of him. Even if you’re not high that’s enough to make you go into Tyson mode.

PS- “There was no statute requiring him to take such a test?” I know that doing a drug test in this situation is like getting a scale out to confirm that Adele is actually fat, but maybe it’s time to add an exception to the 4th Amendment if you get arrested covered in your own urine and broken glass.