I always consider myself having a pretty cool job. Like despite all the complaining and the self-deprecation at the end of the day I’m making people laugh every day writing about shit that interests me like sports and funny stories and boobs. Getting to stalk chat with college smokes on a daily basis. Well Jon Millward just came along and basically told me to go fuck myself. I mean this is his job for the past half a year:
For the first time, a massive data set of 10,000 porn stars has been extracted from the world’s largest database of adult films and performers. I’ve spent the last six months analyzing it to discover the truth about what the average performer looks like, what they do on film, and how their role has evolved over the last forty years.
Literally watching porn. Watching Youjizz from 9-5 and analyzing every scene and every actress. That’s what you get paid to do. Direct deposit paycheck twice a month for doing what every red blooded male between the ages of 12-100 does 1-4 times a day. Unreal.
I feel like you kind of have to be gay to do this job though right? Like how can you be a straight dude and possibly get this done? Sit down to write your research down and before you know it you’re blacked out with cum all over your keyboard and a red raw blistered limp dick in your hand. Don’t care how much self control you have, you spend your day watching Tori Black get stuffed and Kayden Kross get facialed and Asa Akira get analed you’re gonna eventually break down every 20-30 minutes and masturbate the shit out of yourself. Hard wired into our DNA. Poor John Millward’s dick. Maybe it’s not such an awesome job after all? I’ll stick to playing Smokesmash on my own time thank you very much.
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