Social media is awesome. Completely changed the way we get our information and communicate. Helps you keep in touch with people, reconnect with old friends, stay up to the minute on everything that’s happening, laugh, be funny, share things about yourself. Having said that there’s a group of people who are hell bent on destroying it and driving everyone to mass suicide by annoying the shit out of you with a blatant disregard for societal norms and conventions. These are those people.
5) The Amateur Chef/Foodie
A lot of people have a problem with people posting pictures of their food to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Very popular gripe with social media. Personally I don’t get too worked up about that. Honestly if somebody ‘Grams an awesome picture of a burger it makes me instantly want a burger so I’ll order one and that’s incredibly helpful to my lunch decision for the day. What’s fucking unbearable is the foodie who takes it way too far just to make themselves look super cultured. ”Duck Tacos at Trolodante, the garnish they use brings out the flavor in the mole.” ”Goose confit cooked to perfection, or did I just have too many glasses of Napa Chardocabersauvignon ’97 LOL.” Either move to France or shut the fuck up.
But personally I think even worse is the dude/chick who just cooked dinner for their boyfriend/girlfriend to surprise them when they got home from work and posts a picture along with the recipe. “Made roasted squash tortellini with truffle aioli and rosemary seasoned pommes frites for my baby!” (picture of pile of shit on a cheap plate from Crate and Barrel in your dump apartment kitchen). Go to a restaurant, that’s why they were invented.
*Bonus addition, speaking of pictures of food – the people saying they’re leaving Instagram because of the new terms of service. First of all no you’re not. Who are you kidding. You’re not going to fucking Flickr or whatever else there is. You’re staying right there on Instagram because that’s where everyone is and you’re too lazy to set up something new. Second of all nobody gives a shit about your Nashville or Kelvin effect picture of duck tacos at Trolodante, and if they did and for some reason wanted to buy it from Zuckerburg, who cares. God forbid a business try to make money on the app they paid 1 BILLION dollars for that charges $0 for millions of people to use.
4) Traveling Guy
Holy shit bro you travel? Like on an airplane? What’s that like? No way, the flight attendant made you shut your cell phone off before the plane took off? That happens? That’s insane. Please tell me more about these incredibly unique experiences you’re going through since I’ve been locked inside my apartment for 25 years and haven’t ever gone anywhere. Was the security line slow? Were they a little too hands-on when they searched you? That’s nuts. Oh well, just be sure to check in when you land at your layover spot and be sure to personify the airport with something like “Hi, LAX, we only have 1.5 hours together before I head to Fiji, where should I eat in you?”
Sneaky even worse than over the top traveling guy is the subtle traveling guy. The dude who will take a picture of a beer or a sandwich or a plant or something and post it with no caption except he’ll GeoTag it as Hong Kong International Terminal 5. “The sky looks beautiful tonight…” picture of sunset tagged at the Kura Kura Resort in the Karimunjawa Islands of Indonesia. We get it dude. You’re on vacation. Everybody goes on vacation. Die in a plane crash on your way home. That’s the only tweet I’ll be interested in reading.
3) Asks Questions To Twitter Guy
In 1996 a couple of nerds sat down at Stanford and did a research project for a gigantic search engine. 15 years later it passed 1 billion unique visitors and became the biggest website in the world. It’s called Google and it will tell you the answer to literally anything you want to know about. Anything. Don’t know how to change the ringer volume settings on your cell phone? Don’t know why the trackpad on your new Macbook is inverted and want to fix it? Just got to make one click and type it into Google and you’ll get your answer in like 0.14 seconds. Does that sound easier and more reliable than asking Molly in San Francisco @MollySanFran89 and your other 145 followers to chime in and flood everyone’s timeline? Because it is.
Please note that this does not apply to matters of personal preference. For example if you’re going to a new city or something and need to know where the best pizza spot is or best bar for a Friday night your Twitter followers are gonna help you out big time with that. Perfectly fine. Just don’t ask them what the address and cross streets are because they made Google fucking Maps for a reason.
2) Relationship Advice Girl
Guarantee you’re a monster slut and your boyfriend is currently fucking your best friend.
1) Political Guy
Without a doubt, hands down, no question about it the worst of the bunch. Especially fresh in everyone’s mind because of the recent election. The guy with a picture of Mitt Romney giving a speech as his profile picture and a cover page picture of an Eagle in front of an American flag writing 2 paragraph posts about the liberal media distorting facts on taxes and unemployment. Followed by the guy with Obama as his profile picture and that weird graffiti HOPE thing as a cover page responding in the comments with 4 links to CNN and 3 links to MSNBC telling him to check his facts, read a book, learn something before he speaks. Then don’t look now but here comes the Independent with like a Ron Paul picture begging you to vote for someone not in the 2 major parties that has a negative-0 percent chance of ever winning. This will go on for about 24 comments before someone writes “LOL, agree to disagree, we’ll just see how it turns out hahah, how’s life man haven’t seen you since elementary school?” (Personal Conversation duo, to be touched on in the Honorable mentions). Just so fucking annoying. You’d think it would calm down after the election actually happened but now we’ve just moved on to how whatever bad thing happened in the world today happened because either Obama is a communist or the GOP has hijacked America or something.
Political Guy doesn’t want to debate gun control. He wants to tell you why he’s fucking right and you’re fucking wrong, and he wants to do it in the snarkiest most condescening way possible because he read a book about it and a super well written op-ed in the Times. Disagree with him and prepare to be comment spammed into oblivion.
Late Breaking News Guy – I follow Breaking News on Twitter. I check websites. I own a TV. I have friends. I have one million ways to find out that an earthquake hit or Josh Hamilton got traded without @EricNobody tweeting about it 45 minutes after it happened.
Full Personal Conversation Duo – people who have full conversations through comments on a Facebook status or back and forth on Twitter. You going out tonight? Not sure, kind of tired. Oh I see, been busy at work? Yeah man, just got promoted, on my grind. Text messaging: best invention ever. Try it out.
Guy Who Retweets Every Nice Thing Said To Him – your self confidence is dangerously low. We get it. I’ll personally come over and pat you on your back every 15 minutes if you stop clogging up my timeline with your compliments. Also please stop retweeting everyone who had a good time at your black light party.
Person Who Had a Kid Way Too Early – just super awkward looking at the 14 pictures you post a day of your 3 year old. We were in high school home room together. Now you’re posting about driving to preschool. Really weird. Makes me uncomfortable frankly.
Person Who Asks Everyone’s Opinion For Everything Ever – Hey tweeps, what’s better the Air or the Pro? Should I do beer or liquor tonight? Stay in or go out? What do all my followers think, eat healthy or carbicide tonight? My opinion is that you should make a decision for yourself or immediately kill yourself, either one.
What else you got that annoys the shit out of you on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram? Let me know in the comments. If there’s one thing I love more than complaining it’s complaining in conjunction with other people.