LA Weekly – One in five Americans are concerned that the world will come to an end on Friday. Please, world, take this 20 percent with you when you leave. But seriously, a Harris Interactive poll commissioned by California online data-storage company Backblaze finds that Americans are indeed idiots: Not only are 1 in 5 of us “somewhat concerned” about a Dec. 21 apocalypse, but nearly 70 percent are worried about losing digital copies of family photos if the lights go out permanently on Friday, according to results sent to the Weekly and other outlets. Don’t fret people: God tells us you can take your iPhones with you. (And, regardless, this doesn’t get you out of having to buy us a gift for Christmas).
The online survey of 3,036 adult Americans this month asked about their end-of-world regrets too: One in 4 men said they would regret not having more sex if the world does end. Only 1 in 10 women expressed the same sentiment.
Everyone in this study is a fucking moron. You’ll be mad you didn’t have more sex if the world ends Friday? What are you an idiot? If the world ends Friday I’ll be mad I ever DID have sex before marriage. I’ll be mad I ever had a beer or did drugs or jerked off. I’ll be mad I coveted my neighbor’s wife and worshipped false idols and took the Lord’s name in vain. If the world ends Friday I’ll be mad I did anything but pray and go to church. Because if the Apocalypse comes that means all those maniacs were right. There is a God and there is a doomsday and a hell and there is a Heaven. And maybe I can talk my way out of a couple hundred transgressions but if I fuck on the eve of the Apocalypse I’m pretty sure Peter is gonna be like “dude, cmon, you knew what you were doing.” Escalator straight to the bowels of purgatory. So yeah if the Mayans are right and God cancels the world on Friday the only thing I’m going to fear and regret is that I wasn’t the most pious motherfucker on the god damn Earth, not whether or not I slammed a few more chicks for 35-40 seconds a pop.