Barstool U - By the C - Student, for the C - Student.

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Introducing Morgan from Farleigh Dickinson.  Our Northeast smokes day ends with an absolute Jersey knockout.  10!  10!

Need to load up on smokes!  Any school, anywhere in the country.  Names and FB links to tips@barstoolu.com

About an hour ago Travi$ Scott dropped off his highly-anticipated Owl Pharaoh EP featuring appearances from Meek Mill, Toro Y Moi, A$AP WhoeverTheFuck, Wale, Theo London, and more.

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HuffPo – Ah, the college life: Academia, sportsmanship, and taking too many mushrooms, stripping naked and fighting off emergency responders. Excelsior!  That’s what happened to 21-year-old University of Colorado Boulder undergrad Taylor Powers on Sunday afternoon when she went hiking with her roommates in Chautauqua Park in Boulder, Colorado.  Boulder County Sheriff’s Office deputies and other emergency responders — 35 in all, including personnel from the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office, Boulder Open Space and Mountain Parks, Boulder Fire Rescue, the Rocky Mountain Rescue Group and American Medical Response — arrived at Chautauqua Park after receiving a 911 call that a hiker was “high on mushrooms and in distress,” The Smoking Gun reports.

Powers, high on mushrooms, had taken off all of her clothes and was being restrained by her two 21-year-old roommates who are also CU-Boulder students, Brian Mulligan and William Collins, while hiking near the Second and Third Flatirons, according to The Boulder Daily Camera.  It took rescuers about an hour to successfully restrain Powers in handcuffs, but once they finally did she was taken to Boulder Community Hospital where she was treated and released, KDVR reports.

Hey kmarko, why don’t you ever do shrooms you big vagina, seriously do you even do drugs you pussy?  Well here’s your answer.  Right here.  Taylor Powers the butt naked smokeshow sitting on top of a mountain needing 35 cops to restrain and arrest her.   Just doesn’t sound like my kind of thing.

So after four years, three university probations, thousands of beers and less girls than the movies promised me, I can now proudly disgrace the Boston College name by calling myself a graduate. And after going through what might have been the worst day of my life on Monday, here’s a few observations from the weekend and tips so people don’t function as poorly as I did when their time comes:

Every Single Parent is an Idiot- I feel like you hit a certain age where you magically transform into a person who can’t eat a piece of pizza without carrying it with a tray first, has to figure out directions by staring at a map while shuffling in the middle of the sidewalk, and thinking 10 AM is a reasonable time for brunch. This reality check invasion is absolutely worth it if as long as you someone invites you to dinner at nice restaurant, except when the parents set the pace of the meal and you can’t get more than two drinks without them judging you. Then it’s only kind of worth it.

If an Asian Person is Graduating Every Person in Their Extended Family Will Be There- I’m not saying other ethnicities don’t invite a lot of people too. I’m sure if I had graduated with honors or a real job then my parents would have invited family members and they wouldn’t have been the only two people that I knew in the stands. But I saw Korean students who were literally from Korea walking around campus, and counting the people they were with was basically playing Roll Call from Mario Party. I almost mistook a Filipino girl for Manny Pacquiao because of the facial hair and giant posse around her. I don’t mention this for any particular reason except that I also noticed every group always had one four foot tall grandmother who didn’t speak a word of English and who absolutely had no idea what was happening. There’s a conspiracy there and someone needs to figure out what.

Celebrate How You Want to Celebrate, Because If You Celebrate How the School Wants You to Celebrate It’s Going to Suck- Senior Week is something every person should have the chance to experience. Since it’s everyone’s last hurrah they want to do everything they can to enjoy it, which in my case involved a $100 per head “Commencement Ball.” I wasn’t going to Glansberg myself so I ended up on a party trolley on a Friday afternoon, and  I wish I had never gotten off of because it was the only good thing to happen that day. After 30 minutes of waiting in line to get into the hotel and discovering that I had paid for the privilege of buying $12 drinks while listening  a cover band full of old white people, my friends and I figured the only option was to take a cupcake from the dessert tray and throw it at the side of the hotel. The night went great from there, and it’s because we did it how we wanted to do it. You only have a week. Make it count.

Charge Your Phone and Then Buy a Second One and Bring That Too- The hours leading up to graduation are an absolute cluster fuck. Between having to balance figuring out how a graduation hood works, hiding all your illegal things before your parents get to the room and trying not to vomit, you forget to do some things. My thing led me to leaving my dorm at 8:15 AM with 44% battery. My phone quit the exact moment the president of Ireland starting talking about a battle between the French and the Spanish 492 years ago. Unfortunately the internal debate about whether or not a mortarboard could sever an artery ((the conclusion: Probably not) didn’t last even close to long enough to make it through the first quarter of the speech.  I’m Irish and at that moment I wished the potatoes could have killed everyone because it would have prevented me from having to experience what I discovered to be my definition of hell. No idea how people did this shit before smartphones.

Drink Before, During, and After- Obviously the before part doesn’t have to be said, but for some reason when I asked other people what they were drinking during the actual ceremony they look at me like I was an alcoholic. Um, Seal Team Six didn’t train for years and tell Obama “No thanks” when it was time to kill Bin Laden. They brought their A-game. The last thing you want to do is abuse your body for an entire night and have the sun beat down on your black robes while you sit on a folding chair for three hours with nothing to dull the pain. Also, the after thing is optional depending on your plans afterwards, but if you’re going to have to stay up for a little bit it’s easier to maintain and deal with the hangover than go through withdrawal while moving boxes out of your room. I totally get Trainspotting now.

Don’t Drink Warm Nips of Jim Bean That Have Been Sitting in Your Pocket for Four Hours- Because that’s how you end up holding back vomit for fifteen minutes to avoid forfeiting the deposit on your gown. In hindsight, iced coffee+anything seems like a better move.

Graduation Will Probably Be the Worst Day of Your Life- If you take anything away from this it’s that everything you’ve ever been told is a lie. Every picture you’ve seen, every story you’ve been told. Lies. Graduation is hell. The highlight of my day was counting how many people with the last name Kim they could call in a row (16). No warned me about the headache, sunburn, shakes, the mild hallucinations due to sleep deprivation and the crying like a little bitch when reality stars to sets in. I know what it’s like to have a period now. So all I’m saying is be prepared. I don’t want other people to have to go through what I went through.

Twin Cities – After losing money during its first season of selling alcohol at stadiums on campus, the University of Minnesota has renegotiated its contract with the vendor to allow the school to turn a profit.  The university announced Tuesday that after losing $16,000 during the year Aramark has agreed to pay the school an additional $37,000. That means the school will have turned a $21,000 profit.  The Golden Gophers were widely criticized in March when it was reported that the school lost money on alcohol sales despite selling more than $900,000 in beer and wine at TCF Bank Stadium. The school says a new commission structure will help make the venture more profitable going forward.  If alcohol sales are similar next season, the Gophers estimate a $110,000 profit.

I didn’t go to business school and I don’t have an MBA and I don’t necessarily know how the “economy” works persay but I do know this.  That if your business is selling booze at a college football game and you don’t make +100000000000000000000000% profits you are doing something drastically, drastically wrong and are quite possibly mentally retarded.  I mean I don’t even know what shooting fish in a barrel means but the saying should be “like selling anything with alcohol in it to college kids during sporting events” because it’s got to be the easiest thing in the history of for-profit business ideas.   So not to overreact or anything but just adding my two cents, whoever is responsible for a $16K LOSS from alcohol sales during Gophers games should be fired and probably executed.

Source – The Alabama State University Honey Beez will make their debut on national television this Friday with an appearance on the Steve Harvey Show. The Honey Beez traveled to Chicago to film the episode in March, which will include a performance from the plus-size dance squad that features cartwheels and splits. In addition, the ladies will also teach Harvey moves from their routine during the episode. “The Honey Beez are all plus-size ladies with an average weight of 230 pounds each, who have an incredible dance/cheer routine that would be amazing for anyone to do well,” Oliver said. “Once you see them perform, you will never forget them because of their great athletic prowess, amazing routines, dexterity and joy for life.”

Bam! Unforgettable. Electric performance. Every other school trots out their smokiest smokes. Tits jammed together and ribs that the xylophone kid in the marching band could probably play. That shit’s old hat. Bama State puts out broads bigger than their D-line and has ‘em do barrel roles. Basically have a donut eating competition on the field. Just goes to show, if you’re gonna be fat, you better be funny. Honey Beez are nailing it.

Awww did little baby Herb Hand get his feelings hurt?  Did he get trolled on Twitter so hard that he had to text the UT coach and tattle and say his fans were saying mean things to him about his wife?  Calling her a #slut and being impolite?   So unbelievably pathetic.  A kid says something rude to you on Twitter so you text a team’s coach like it’s his fault.    Seriously what do you think Butch Jones did when he first got this text?  Probably went over and fucked his wife just to teach him a lesson to grow a pair.

Hey Hand If you want to be a real man and defend your wife’s honor pull a Curtis Woodhouse and show up at the troll’s doorstep and make him shit himself.  Don’t just talk about it, be about it.

PS – Could the Twitter troll look any more perfectly like a Twitter troll?

In case you missed it allow me to set the scene for you real quick:

4/25: The ESU Administration Is Not Happy About Their #1 Spot On The Barstool U Most Underrated Party Schools List by Valentina Caval

5/7: Barstool, here’s a reality check from ESU by Valentina Caval

Excerpt: Please, can anyone tell me how in the world this is in any way good for ESU? Better yet, someone tell me how to talk my way out of this line when I get interviewed by a potential employer. Thank you for being polite for once, Barstool, but we all know what you mean by “substance.” Barstool has been quick to claim that it is just a concert with dancing and loud electronic music — one that apparently condones the use of booze and substances. On Barstool’s website: “Your school like to party. They like to drink and dance. They’re 18-22 year old kids living it up before they hit the real world.”

Newsflash Kmarko: The drinking age in Pennsylvania is 21. Oh, and it’s likes to party.

My response 5/7:  ESU Girl Is Literally Still Talking About The Barstool U Underrated Party Schools Power Rankings And How Much She Hates The Blackout Tour In The Pocono Record

Today:   

Pocono Record

I remember my knuckles were a little bruised from the number of doors I knocked on that night.

Typical night: My cellphone’s battery drained early on, my hair had somehow collected itself into a pile on top of my head and I was wearing only one shoe.

This time I had landed in quite a predicament: I had somehow managed to get lost walking back to my ESU dorm from an improper social event held on Normal Street.

Clearly, I had spent a little too much time with a little too much booze.

Nevertheless, a Stroudsburg resident — whose name I am embarrassed to say I do not recall — picked both me and my pride up off the scuzzy Stroudsburg sidewalk.

She took me back to my dorm, where I fell into a deep slumber, waking up the next day with no recollection of the night.

Now, before I ruin my reputation, let me explain.

College and drinking are life partners. In the United States, more than 80 percent of college students indulge in a couple of drinks here and there, and almost half reported binge drinking in the previous two weeks, according to The Washington Post.

Drinking has been a part of college life from yesterday through yesteryear.

Margaritas, Jager Bombs, Lemon Drops, Swift Kicks and Long Islands are among some of the names ringing in the ears of college students as soon as Thursday arrives.

I am not ashamed to say that I condone this lifestyle. These untamed experiences are pieces of a puzzle that, when completed, ultimately shape who we become.

This blissful life of college shenanigans does not last forever. So I have officially turned in my shot glass as far as partying goes.

I went from finding bottle openers at the bottom of my book bag to finding endless piles of class notes.

Every night at a frat party turned into every night with my books.

And sneaking bottles into the dorm has been transformed into drinking one too many cups of coffee.

College academia will catch up to you, but that does not mean that we do not take great pleasure in running away from it — if only for a moment.

I cannot help but think that 30 years from now we may remember our wild experiences just a bit more than our workloads.

I do not regret any parts of my often inappropriate “social life” at ESU. Actually, I treasure every single unbelievably, hilarious chronicle of my untamed life.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that it’s OK to play beer pong the night before a big exam, and have a few shots on a Thursday night. It is simply just another part of the college experience.

Don’t forget that you are there for an education, but venture out to the wild side a bit.

So, it’s OK to lose your shoe once in a while — as long as you remember to wear two when graduation rolls around.

Valentina Caval is a Queens, N.Y., native who will be a senior in the fall at East Stroudsburg University studying communications and English. Follow her on Twitter @Val_Caval.

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Ha good try Val.  You know I do this professionally right?  You think I don’t know when somebody is fucking with me?  Writing 2 diatribes in the paper about how much you hate the Barstool Blackout and how much you despise the Underrated Party Schools list because drinking is illegal for college kids and it’s a disgrace to be known as a party school.  Following it up with an editorial about how much you love drinking and partying and condone it and think everybody should do it.   Literally bragging about how you blacked out on the street and got picked up by a random stranger.  How in 30 years from now you’ll remember how wild you were.    How dumb do you think I am?  Can’t troll me bro.  Too smart.  Because I know even you couldn’t be that big of a hypocrite right?

And yes, in case anyone was wondering, yes I can and will hold a grudge forever.

@Mark_DEsposito Check out what Sports Authority is selling.