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UF Bro Posts Craigslist Ad Looking For New Gators Coach…Must Have Control Of His Wife And Make Sure She Doesn’t Open Her Mouth

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Oct 232:50PM EST

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Craigslist 

 

The state of Florida’s flagship university is seeking a Qualified Candidate to develop and implement an exemplary football program while providing leadership on and off the field. This position should be available no later than Midnight Saturday, November 29th, but as soon as early morning Sunday, November 2nd.

QUALIFICATIONS:
– Because UF is a DESTINATION coaching job, applicants must have ALREADY had head coaching experience. This is not a stepping stone job, nor does it offer OJT or other preparation for a job in the NFL or other university in the future. If hired, you must be previously groomed to 1) Win consistently, 2) Stay for more than 4 seasons, and 3) have composure when roaming the sidelines. Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly as a result of your own shortcomings, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong… repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.
– To understand, embrace and embody the winning traditions associated with the University Of Florida. This includes winning games against in-conference rivals as well as the women’s college (aka the clown college) down the road. Winning every single solitary game is not required (Bear Bryant didn’t even win them ALL), but you must post a winning record against your key foes throughout your tenure as Head Football Coach.
– Ability to win games against glorified high schools and junior colleges, aka “cupcakes”, especially when the contest is held on the university’s own campus.
– To win football games in a manner that is not only acceptable on the scoreboard, but consistently impressive enough to fill a 90k-seat stadium on a regular basis. Must also re-establish The Swamp as a place feared by all opposing football programs.
– Knowledge of the university’s alma mater. Will be required to attend EVERY SINGLE post-game tradition of singing the same on the field; ALL members of the football team must also be in attendance and able to recite the same, whether you win your contest or lose.
– If you are a defense-first coach, you must possess the skill-set to resist altering/changing or otherwise undermining/torpedoing the Offensive Coordinator’s game plan and philosophy.
– Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s defense. Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s special teams as well. There can never be any confusion whether it’s the actual players in uniform instead of drunk cheerleaders/Albert/Alberta.
– Post-game press conferences must not sound identical nor contain the same excuses from one Saturday night to the next. Focus placed on ability to actually implement changes when on-field problems are identified in said conferences.
– Ability to start a quarterback that can discern between Gators players and opposing players when throwing passes. Said quarterback must also never possess any form of lubricant on hands (butter, baby oil, etc) when holding a football during game conditions.
– Must not be a graduate of the University of Georgia.
– Must have clean bill of health and agree to all medical screenings, to include the ruling out of any potential chest pains and esophageal spasms.
– Must be able to control his wife, ensuring she doesn’t open her mouth… ever. She’s not on the payroll, you will be.
– Must not have the last name of Zook. We tried you out once. Didn’t work out. Sorry.

If your last name is Spurrier, you can skip the interview process this time. Seriously. We’re sorry. Very sorry. The job is yours. We’ll help you pack. Name your price. Please come back.

Send all resumes to:
University of Florida
University Athletic Association
ATTN: Jeremy Foley, AD
PO Box 14485
Gainesville, FL 32604

 

 

 

 

Perfect ad.  God it’s got to suck being a football coach at a big time program that’s losing games.  Exactly the same thing as what we covered with Devin Gardner yesterday.  Yeah life is great when you’re winning and putting points on the board and packing the stands and competing for titles.  You’re the king of the universe.  If you’re a player you got awards lined up, scouts watching, your choice of chicks on campus, VIP access to anything you want in the state.  If you’re the coach you got $$$$$$$ coming out of your earholes and booster slobbing your knob and dozens of bigger and better prospects to choose from when the time comes.   Of course the other side of the coin is somebody pretty much exactly where Muschamp is right now.  Fans shitting all over your life and making long ass Craigslist posts looking for a new coach who doesn’t suck like you.    The highest of highs and the lowest of lows….

 

Smokesmash Matchup from Hell – Samantha from SDSU vs. Gabrielle from Oklahoma State

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Oct 232:00PM EST

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Samantha from SDSU 

 

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Gabrielle from OK State

 

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1 for Samantha..5 for Gabrielle

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (186 votes, average: 3.71 out of 5)
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Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Dumped Nail Polish Remover On Her Roommate And Set Him On Fire Because He Threw Away Her Leftover Spaghetti and Meatballs?

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Oct 231:15PM EST

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BN9 - Around 2:30 a.m., 33-year-old Melissa Dawn Sellers got into an argument with 42-year-old Carlos Ortiz Jr. at a home on the 300 block of Gunn Avenue. The two had been drinking, and Sellers doused Ortiz’s upper body with nail polish remover and ignited with him a lighter or cigarette, police said.

According to Ortiz’s friend and witness, Ines Causevic, Sellers was angry at Ortiz because he had thrown out her spaghetti and meatballs.

“She was setting little objects on fire, then that turned into pouring nail polish remover all over him, and then all of a sudden, the lighter sparked and he lit on fire,” said Causevic.

Causevic said she threw water on Ortiz and tore his shirt off, trying to put out the fire.

“When he got up, his face was like melting off, it was pink and sore,” said Causevic. “His lips were burning.”

Ortiz was taken to Tampa General Hospital, where he is listed in critical condition with burns to his face, chest and shoulders.

 

 

 

 

Hey roommate that’s on you bro.  Don’t come to me looking for sympathy as you try to stick your cheeks and lips back on your face.  I mean it’s obviously kind of an overreaction from Melissa but at the same time where the fuck do you get off throwing other people’s stuff away?  Just taking a perfectly good Italian dinner out of the fridge and dumping it in the garbage?  Who anointed you apartment waste management chief?   If it’s not yours don’t touch it.  Simple roommate rules.  Maybe you think it’s 1 or 2 days old but guess what, Melissa is fat and drunk and looking to cram some meatballs down her piehole at 2:30 AM.  Get in the way of that and who knows what will happen….wait, I forgot we know exactly what happens, she douses you in flammable liquid, sets your entire body ablaze and sends your ass to the trauma burn intensive care unit.

 

 

Top 10 Drake Songs of 2014

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Oct 231:00PM EST

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No album from Wheelchair Jimmy in 2014, but that doesn’t mean the greatest artist on the planet has had even a little trouble staying relevant.  Check out the 10 best records from Drizzy this year, from solo tracks to OVO features to Weezy duets, and continue to understand why every song sound like Drake featuring Drake.

P.S. If you’ve never read this do yourself a favor…

 

Click to stream and download the Top 10 Drake Songs of 2014

 

Click to stream and download the Top 10 Drake Songs of 2014

This Guy’s ‘Fuck Her Right In The Pussy’ Tattoo Must Get Him All The Ladies

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Oct 2312:15PM EST

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Sure the “Fuck Her Right In The Pussy” meme is fun and all but has it gotten anyone laid yet? Probably not. Until now. You’re a girl going on a first date with this dude to a romantic candlelit wine bar. He’s a perfect gentleman. Pulls out your chair, engages you in conversation, touches your hand at just the right moment. The bottle of Malbec combines with the charcuterie to hit you just right. You should go home, you’re not that type of girl. But there’s magic in the air and you just can’t resist. He leads you out to his car, gently places his hand on the small of the back to guide you out and with every fingertip there’s electricity coursing through your body. Before you get into the car, he gently touches your chin to guide you up while he gives you a soft kiss on the lips, not too hard, not too soft, but authoritatively enough that, yes, this is a man who knows what he’s doing. You get back to his place. He takes you in. The kisses get a little sloppier as passion overwhelms you. You’re a little lightheaded but the connection you’ve shared tonight is too palpable to ignore. You want him to feel good. You kiss his neck, unbutton his shirt and there’s no undershirt to be found: This is on. You get down to the final few buttons, slowly taking them down though caution has no meaning at this point. And then you lay your eyes upon Art. Art in its truest form. You don’t understand what it says at first but finally the riddle reveals itself: A Wingdings recreation of a fake Internet meme about fucking a woman right in the pussy. This is love. This is enchantment. This is life and you’re finally living it.

 

 

Or, more accurately, he pulls his dick out at an Arby’s with a mouth full of roast beef and a cock head far too big for the shaft it’s attached to and you immediately spray him with mace and call the cops. Love takes many forms.

 

 

PS – It would be mathematically impossible for me to be any less surprised by the camo waistband on this dude’s underwear. Some things are just meant to be.

Notre Dame WR Justin Brent Just Chillin At The Knicks Game With Lisa Ann

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Oct 2311:40AM EST

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That’s how the fuck you get over a game losing controversial pass interference call!!!!

 

Justin Brent you motherfucker.  Being a D1 wide receiver for a gigantic program wasn’t enough, had to take down the hottest MILF porn star in the game while you were at it.  What a life.   And this isn’t just Lisa Ann taking a quick pic with a fan like she usually does.  These 2 definitely fucked.

 

 

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Look at that pose.  That’s not a smile for Instagram pose.  That’s a I’m About To Take You Back To My House And Treat You Like James Deen pose.  So jealous.   Is milfhunting an NCAA violation?  Asking for Justin Brent.

 

 

 

TMZNotre Dame wide receiver Justin Brent has serious game — even though he hasn’t scored on the field yet — last night he bagged legendary porn star Lisa Ann in NYC.

Brent, who’s just a freshman, mind you … took 42-year-old Lisa Ann to the Knicks game at MSG where they were all over each other during what our sources say was an official date.

We’re told they met earlier this year while Lisa was traveling, and in a cougar hall of fame move — she made the first move and gave Brent her number.

Treon Harris Rape Investigation Police Report Released…Treon Very Concerned About Whether It Was “Going To Be On ESPN and Stuff”

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Oct 2311:03AM EST

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First Coast News - What has become clear is that Harris and other Gators football players were partying with the woman and others at Rain nightclub in Gainesville during the night leading up to the incident. Several witnesses, including friends of both, recalled seeing the two being very close that night, even kissing at one point, a police report said.

Marcus Maye, Latroy Pittman, Brian Poole and Keanu Neal, all teammates of Harris, recalled the group leaving the club about 2 a.m. and heading to Waffle House, but stopping at a Kangaroo gas station. At the gas station, Harris and the woman were either holding hands or walking arm-in-arm before they left in her car, witnesses told investigators.

Police said surveillance images confirmed the chain of events described by Maye, Neal, Pittman and Poole. But what exactly happened when the two split off from their friends and went back to Harris’s dorm room depends on whom you ask.

The woman claims she was lying down on Harris’s bed because she was tired, but then he forced himself on her, refusing to climb off and ignoring her pleas for him to stop. “I don’t want to have sex with you,” she recalled saying that night, according to a police report. Harris felt like a “dead weight” on top of her, she told investigators.

Harris didn’t see it that way. In his initial interview with police Oct. 5, he said it all started with a kiss and didn’t recall her saying she didn’t want to have sex. “We were talking, and she did, she start kissing, we kissing each other, and like it just happened,” he told investigators, the report said. Asked to clarify what ‘it’ meant, Harris reportedly said, “We had sex.”

About 7:36 p.m. the same day, Harris sent the woman a text, saying “Don’t tell nobody bout nothing.” As Harris explained it to police, the pair had agreed to keep their encounter quiet.

Midway through his interview, Harris stopped talking and asked for a lawyer, police said. “It was apparent (he) received a text message from someone advising him to no longer speak with me,” an investigator said in a police report.

Harris nevertheless agreed to searches of his room and cellphone for evidence connected to the incident. During their searches, investigators recovered a used condom along with the phone, which was examined by an expert with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

Making matters cloudier are statements from Pittman and the woman’s suite mate that the woman and Pittman had sex just hours before the alleged sexual assault involving Harris. Pittman provided investigators with pages of suggestive text messages between him and the woman. The suite mate recalled hearing the woman apparently bragging about her alleged promiscuity the night of the incident, reportedly saying, “I caught two bodies tonight.”
 

 

Ok so if you read the police report you know that the text message above is referencing Treon and the girl agreeing to keep their hook up quiet so that other people on campus didn’t find out about it.   Because there was another girl Treon was seeing or something.  Didn’t stop every outlet from running with it as a standalone picture with no explanation though.  Because that doesn’t insinuate anything under the headline of “rape allegations.”  And people say Barstool sucks at reporting stuff?

 

 

Anyway this was by far my favorite part of the report

 

Treon Harris: So is this going to be on ESPN and stuff?

Det. J. Faroni: I have no idea what’s going to happen with any of that stuff. What we’re doing is a criminal investigation. If someone comes forward to us with an allegation, we investigate it. Okay? What I can tell you is we’re really good at our job…

Treon Harris: Yeah.

37 Det. J. Faroni: So what that means is whatever happened is going to come out and it’s going to be done.

Treon Harris: Uh-huh.

Det. J. Faroni: Okay? So, it’s much better to just deal with this right now, right…

Treon Harris: So it’s going to get on ESPN.

Det. J. Faroni: …then put it off, put it off, put it off. What’s that?

Treon Harris: So you’re saying it’s going to get on ESPN?

Det. J. Faroni: I’m not even talking about ESPN anymore.

Treon Harris: Oh.

(transcript via)

 

 

 

Guy is facing sexual assault charges for allegedly raping a girl and all he can think about is if it’s gonna be on ESPN.   So goes the life of a D1 college quarterback trying to get his first start.  We’ll let the lawyers and everybody sort out that stuff, just got to keep this out of Bob Ley’s hands.  That motherfucker will tear me apart on OTL.

 

 

 

 

Treon Harris interview and report

3,100 Students and 50% of Athletes Were Involved In UNC Academic Fraud

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Oct 2310:15AM EST

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News ObserverA sobering independent investigation into academic fraud at UNC-Chapel Hill released Wednesday prompted Chancellor Carol Folt to commit to holding accountable all current university staff implicated in the report, including initiating termination against four and disciplinary review for another five.

A system of no-show classes was pushed by academic counselors for athletes, hatched and enabled by two sympathetic officials in a key department and employed by coaches eager to keep players eligible, the report on the new investigation into the long-running scandal said.

The 18-year scheme generated inflated grades through lecture-style classes that had been quietly converted into bogus independent studies. The report, released Wednesday afternoon, found a new culprit: the Academic Support Program for Student-Athletes.

Kenneth Wainstein, a former top U.S. Justice Department official, found that the academic counselors had pushed for the easy classes and embraced those started by Deborah Crowder, a longtime manager for the Department of African and Afro-American Studies. The report describes a fairly broad group of academic and athletic officials who knew about athletes getting better grades in classes that required only papers, yet took little or no action.

 

Summarizing the executive summary of the actual report:

From 1993-2011 there were “paper classes”
Over 3,100 students affected
47.4% were student-athletes
50.9% of those were football players
Many “steered” to classes by academic counselors
Some tutors wrote papers for athletes
Many knew or should have known about paper classes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poor UNC.  How long have they been enduring this bloodbath?  Feel like it’s been 3 straight years of getting dragged through the mud and stomped on.  For what?  Athletes not going to class?  Getting preferential treatment?  Doing literally zero work and having grades handed to them by teachers who were in on it to help them play?    Who cares.  Everyone who packed the Dean Dome when they were #1 in the country or Kenan Memorial when they were in the top 25 should know exactly what it takes to get there.  Ain’t nobody come there to play school.  They came to win national championships and make electrifying plays for Sportscenter.

 

Sure, maybe not even trying to hide it and flaunting it in everyone’s face kind of ended up leading to their downfall.

 

 

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Do kind of respect how literally EVERYONE was on board though.  Talk about fostering a collaborative campus atmosphere.

Lane Kiffin’s Mother Is Worried About His Safety Going Back To Tennessee This Weekend

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Oct 239:36AM EST

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CBSThere is very little middle ground in how the public views Kiffin, who returns this week to coach in Knoxville for the first time since he was vilified for leaving Tennessee in 2010 after 14 months.

Either you believe there’s no one better at selling himself and failing up than Kiffin. Or you believe he’s a good coach and recruiter who simply got handed the keys to the luxury cars too soon. Gray areas don’t seem to exist in conversations about Kiffin.

Each Kiffin exit tries to top the previous one, as if there are style points for soap opera-like departures. There was the power-point presentation by Al Davis as he called Kiffin a liar in Oakland. There were burning mattresses and a bizarre, late-night news conference at Tennessee. There was the airport firing and getting pulled off the team bus at USC.

Through it all, Kiffin became a magnet to a sports-media world now consumed by page views — so much so that friends and family members wonder when Kiffin will be allowed to simply coach again. Kiffin is the rare college coach who can be on the source of jokes in the mainstream media and TMZ.

Google “Lane Kiffin” last week and you would have seen a skit that went viral. Actors portray Kiffin and his wife while fielding vulgar and insulting phone calls from Alabama fans.

“Lane sent it to me on a family group text,” said Robin Kiffin, Lane’s mother. “It was awful. That language is horrible. … They never leave him alone. I don’t see them picking on anybody else like that. That guy at Texas Tech (Mike Leach), he locked a quarterback in a shed and he gets another job. Are they still talking about that? No. The Arkansas guy (Bobby Petrino) gets caught on a motorcycle wreck with another woman and he gets another job. Are they talking about him? No.”

It’s under this backdrop that Kiffin visits Knoxville for what figures to be a hostile return Saturday night. Kiffin’s three kids are staying home out of concern that the environment won’t be appropriate for them, according to Kiffin’s mother and sister. They remember how uneasy the family felt leaving Knoxville in 2010.

“I’m scared to death for his safety,” Robin Kiffin said of Saturday’s game. “Some people were visiting us last weekend from Tennessee and they said they better not let him on the sideline (where Kiffin coaches at Alabama), they should put him in the press box. I want him to be in the press box.”

 

 

 

First of all I don’t know what Mrs. Kiffin slipped into Jon Solomon’s brownies but let’s make one thing clear - nobody trashes Lane Kiffin for the pageviews.  Dude earned everything he gets all on his own.   I don’t wake up every morning and say hey I need a bunch of hits today, let’s post something about the OC of Alabama.  That’s what boobs and butts are for.  I don’t even need to exaggerate or embellish stories or play with headlines to make it sound better, it’s just straight up all Lane Kiffin by himself.   5-15 with Raiders and fired with cause over the phone by Al Davis who then used a Powerpoint to show how awful he was.   One 7-6 season with Tennessee featuring losses to every good opponent they played ending with a blowout to VTech then bouncing immediately out the door to USC causing riots all over campus.   The Urban Meyer lie, the Alshon Jeffrey fiasco.  28-15 at USC with no significant wins despite consistently having a top recruiting class before getting pulled off the team bus and literally fired at the airport.  The guy has just been a terrible disloyal coach making huge mistakes everywhere he goes.

 

As for the mom here, hey, I’d be worried about my son going back to Neyland too.  Not exactly a fan favorite around there.

 

 

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Maybe just throw like to an extra 2 cops his way to ease poor Mrs. Kiffin’s mind?

 

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Laura from Arizona

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Oct 239:00AM EST

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Introducing Laura from Arizona.  Get some Wildcats.

 

 

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