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This Is A Composite Of The Perfect Man That Women Want And It’ll Make You Feel WAY Better About Yourself
Mar 411:35AM EST

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DM – The major discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually want has been brought to life after extensive research into body confidence.

The research shows that 62 per cent of men still believe that women prefer the gladiator look – and suffer pangs of anxiety when they fail to match up to this image.

While men state that a woman’s ideal man would be made up of Justin Bieber’s hair, Gerard Butler’s chiselled face, Hugh Jackman’s movie-star arms, David Gandy’s tight abs and Cristiano Ronaldo’s smooth legs, the response from women showed a contrasting view. They also seek a stomach like rugby star Ben Cohen’s and, perhaps more curiously, legs like Jonathan Ross.

Indeed, the survey revealed that a more rounded ‘boy next door’ physique is the more favourable look with 72 per cent of women who want to form lasting relationships.

Men with well-toned bodies are, initially, regarded as attractive, but it is the man with the little bit of excess flab around the waist who often wins the day.

A spokesperson for Jacamo, who commissioned the research, said: “Women tell us that men with ordinary bodies are seen as good family makers who pay more attention to their partners than they do to themselves.”


This study is from the UK so grain of salt and whatever given that they think the hottest dude around is a fake powerful ginger kid with rosacea. But still, what a bizarre set of findings. I’m not necessarily in the business of rating Photoshopped composites of famous British dudes — most of whom I’ve never heard of — but this dude is straight up homely as hell. And this is what women want? By comparison, here’s another study about the “perfect face” men want in a woman:


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You’re telling me this fuck-me-eyed composite with perfect hair and vicious DSLs is going to even give the time of day to that paunchy slob up top? No chance. The real thing this study teaches us is something we already know: Women are insecure as hell and willing to settle for absolute garbage if you can convince them enough, especially when it comes to marriage. You’re telling me these women wouldn’t actually prefer waking up to a husband chiseled from stone with Liam Hemsworth hair and a blindingly white smile? Of course they would. But they hate themselves too much to even strive for that in their fantasies so they’ll take this doughy hunk of mashed potatoes in tighty whiteys instead. You want equality, ladies? Aim higher. It’s called an “ideal” for a reason. I personally refuse to close the wage gap until they clean this shit up.

Kanye Gave The Best, Illest Speech Ever At Oxford University…His Words Not Mine
Mar 410:55AM EST

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[Gossip Cop] – Kanye West gave a typically wide-ranging and wild speech at Oxford University on Monday, talking about everything from The Matrix and the Bible to greed and emptiness to President Obama and daughter North.

According to the Oxford Tab, which transcribed the full talk, West started off by warning that the 20 minutes he was allotted may not be enough, and ordered everyone in the room to be “completely quiet,” saying, “I can literally hear a whisper, and it’ll throw off my stream of consciousness, and when I get my stream of consciousness going that’s when I give the best, illest quotes.”

So, what were West’s best, illest quotes?



Ok everybody sit down, Kanye’s about to school you to some shit.  Pay attention.  I broke it into sections for you so you can fully comprehend the brilliance.


West started off by revealing he once wanted to be a painter that could rival Picasso, and used that as a jumping off point to talk about suppression and separatism. West said:

“Some of you here probably remember the night when the Donda tweets came through me and I started talking about professions that you guys are going into, that seemed they had nothing to do with a rapper. I was talking about a band of thinkers that could remove religion, race, gender, and somehow come together to find solutions for a broken planet.”

West argued, “We have the resources as a civilization to find a utopia, but we’re led by the most greedy and the least noble.”


Ooohh that’s a good start, Kanye needs a perfect world to live in because his life sucks so bad in this one.  Bear in mind Kanye is worth about $150 million and his wife who is famous for getting jizzed on is worth around $85 million in this world.


The star shared his belief that seflishness and other people’s opinions are preventing a seamless society, and drew a comparison between the Bible and The Matrix that he recently shared with Steve McQueen:

“There’s a Bible saying, ‘No weapon formed against me shall prosper’. Recently I’ve been doing interviews and I’ve had to go back to this verse because I don’t think there’s a living celebrity with more weapons formed against them, but I also don’t think there’s one more prosperous. So what weapons have prospered? The smoke and mirrors of other opinions.

What I said [to McQueen] was The Matrix is like the Bible of the post-information age… I compared it like when the hundred guys come at Neo, those are opinions, that’s perception, that’s tradition. Attacking people from every which angle possible. If you have a focus wide and master senseis like Laurence Fishburne and you have a squad behind you, you literally can put the world in slow motion.”

West explained, “This humanity that I talk about, this civilization that I talk about, this future utopia I talk about… it can only happen through collaboration,” and cited Steve Jobs as an example.


I’ve always thought the same thing, the Bible is basically like the Matrix, only thing is Keanu Reeves is way cooler than Jesus.  Especially with a badass master sensei like Morpheus.


The rapper said:

“I love Steve Jobs, he’s my favorite person, but there’s one thing that disappoints me. When Steve passed he didn’t give the ideas up. That’s kinda selfish. You know that Elon’s like ‘yeah, take these ideas’. Maybe there are companies outside of Apple that could work on them and push humanity forward. Maybe the stock brokers won’t like that, the stock holders wouldn’t like that idea, but ideas are free and you can’t be selfish with them.”


Steve Jobs you just got shit on son.  Tough to rest in peace when Kanye is at Oxford dumping all over you.


He went on to deem himself a “servant, with my voice, with my ability to build relationships with amazing people, speak to amazing people, call Elon Musk out of the blue, or call Obama out of the blue. He calls the home phone, by the way.” West then used North’s toys to talk about quality and luxury, and how they relate to happiness. He shared:

“I’d see toys that some people would buy for my daughter and I’d say this toy isn’t quality. I don’t want my daughter playing with this. There’s not enough love put into this, this is just manufactured with the will to sell, and not the will of inspiration.

[Vanessa Beecroft] bought my daughter these three wolves, knowing the whole collection, that it’d play with the song Wolves, and based on this concept. And when my daughter saw these wolves, I’ve never seen her so happy. She was going so crazy, she was grabbing one, she was riding on top of one… I’ve never seen her happier than this moment. That level of happiness seems to be the thing that we’re fighting for every day, that we’re trying to buy back, trying to work for, especially in America…


Pssst, Kanye, she’s 2 years old dude.  Random shit doesn’t make her smile because of the will of inspiration, it makes her smile because she’s a fucking baby.



We’ve been sold a concept of joy through advertising, through car advertising, through fashion branding. It’s not the concept of time, time with your family, time with your friends, the little time that we do have on earth and what we do with that. It was somehow sold to us through a Gucci bag or something.

Time is the only luxury. It’s the only thing you can’t get back. If you lose your luggage – I’m not gonna say the obvious brand of luggage that I’d normally say because I’ve got a meeting with them soon – if you lose your expensive luggage at the airport, you can get that back. You can’t get the time back.”


Your outfit costs more than the mortgages on some people’s homes and I can almost guarantee you’re wearing Gucci fucking boxer shorts during this speech.


It feels like people do everything in life to get this BMW, this Benz, to get this townhome, to get 2.5 kids exactly. One of them has to be small, y’know! And you’re looking for this moment where you sit in your BMW after all the work you’ve done and all the accolades you get, and you somehow think you’re gonna get that level of joy that my daughter had when she received those wolves. And when you’re sitting in traffic in your BMW, it’s something that feels empty. To everyone who reaches that point. This concept of the selfish human, this idea of separation by race, or gender, or religion, or age, or my favorite thing to hate, class.”

West added, “People say it takes a village to raise a child. People ask me how my daughter is doing. She’s only doing good if your daughter’s doing good. We’re all one family.” The problem, says West, is when the rest of the world doesn’t see itself as “one family,” and argues, “We have the ability to approach our race like ants, or we have the ability to approach our race like crabs.”



If we’re all one family I’d love to borrow some cash for a townhome and a Benz and have you co-sign.



“This is a generation that is far less racist – yes, small remnants remain of even thinking of calling something of a racial slur. White people that listen to rap say ‘n-gger’… in the privacy of their own home. That idea [racism], has passed. We’ve had The Cosby Show, Obama’s president, Beyonce’s great… that’s passed. But there’s still something you’re taught every day, especially in the UK, and that’s division by class. Our main focus, in my opinion… Imagine a world with no war, and imagine if everyone’s main focus, more so than going out to a club, their main focus was to help someone else.

I was joking with an interviewer earlier today…people talk about the number of viewers the Brits get, or the number of viewers the Grammys get. They need to do award shows for the Nobel Peace Prize, but I guess that doesn’t sell as many MasterCard commercials…

You guys have been taught, without you knowing, ways to separate yourselves from each other. If you’re separated, you can be easily controlled. If you’re too busy pointing fingers at each other, rather than holding hands, you can’t get anything done.

West then gave a personal example of when he was happily outshined by someone else: Nicki Minaj. He explained, “You know, Chris Rock called my album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy…well, Chris Rock and everyone else at every single media publication called My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy the best album of the last 25 years. This only came through collaboration.” West continued:

“One of the most memorable things about MBDTF was Nicki Minaj, and the fact that she kicked my ass, on my own song, on one of the best albums…the best album – I’m just saying what the critics said – of the last 25 years. The best album of the past 25 years that I spent a year and a half making, out there. I was exiled from my country, it was a personal exile, but exile. To come back and deliver my magnum opus of a work, and to be outshined… to be beat by a girl, basically. This was necessary. I think it was one of the most important points of working on that album, was to not stop her from her moment because of how good she is.”

The controversial performer later declared, “One of my biggest Achilles heels has been my ego. And if I, Kanye West, the very person, can remove my ego, I think there’s hope for everyone.”



You are doing a BANG UP job on that front my man!  Tell us again how your last album was the best album in the history of albums?


He went on:

“My momma taught me that if I was in a grocery store and I’m by myself and a stranger grabbed my hand, scream at the top of your f-cking lungs. If I’m at an awards show and a stranger grabs my hand and they say so we’re going to use these moving lights, or we’re gonna play the music right now before we define the look, or we’re gonna cut the TV cameras in a traditional way. I’ll scream at the top of my f–king lungs.

People say I have a bad reputation. I think I’ve got the best reputation in the building. They want you to have a reputation of tucking your black nail polish into your pockets and sitting in the corner of the class, and not fighting for your ideas out of fear of being ridiculed… That’s one of my favorites, to be called crazy…

I’m successful in learning about the beauty that is afforded rich people. But in learning that, being brought up, middle class, it’s something that is beating out of my chest. ‘Wait a second, I was middle class, and I didn’t get to see none of this sh*t!’

Let’s have an NBC telethon moment, and say that beauty has been stolen from the people and is being sold back to them under the concept of luxury! It’s illegal to not wear clothes, and also possibly too cold. That means someone is imposing an idea on you that should legally have to do! Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater. You know what should cost $5000? A car should be $5000. And you know who should work on the car? The people that work on the $500,000 cars. All the best talent in the world needs to work for the people. And I am so f*cking serious about this concept that I will stand in front of anyone and fight for it. Because I was 14 and middle class. I know what it felt like to not get what I have.”

West concluded, “People say to me ‘you’re successful, what are you crying about?’. I’m crying about the people. I’m crying about their daughters. Our daughters, as one family. What good is it. What good is anything that everyone can’t have. Every ism. They think we’re done with racism. What about elitism, what about separatism, what about classism? That’s all.”



Oxford University is kind of like, prestigious right?  Just making sure.

This Murray State Pitcher Has The Most Barbaric Leg Kick Windup Ever
Mar 410:15AM EST





How do you pitch for a relatively small school in Kentucky in the Ohio Valley Conference, lose the game, and still end up going crazy viral?

Kick yourself in the face with your hamstring on every pitch.




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5 IP, 8 hits, 4 earned runs, 3 walks = 1 loss.

14,500 websites and 6,000,000 Twitter accounts posting your picture = a big win.





PS – Kid is ok in my book.




Quinnipiac Student Successfully Gets Sorority Charity Event To Raise Money For Children In Foster Care Cancelled Because She Was Offended The Poster Had Maracas On It
Mar 49:31AM EST

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QU Chronicle After senior Lexie Gruber posted on Facebook that she was offended by an advertisement for a sorority’s annual philanthropy event, students insulted her and threatened her on social media sites such as Yik Yak.

When Gruber saw a poster for the event on a Kappa Alpha Theta member’s Facebook, she commented on the photo, saying the maracas on the ad were offensive because they stereotyped Mexicans.

Some Kappa Alpha Theta chapters across the country hold the Queso for CASA event where members sell Mexican food to raise money for their philanthropy, CASA or Court Appointed Special Advocates, an organization which helps foster children.

“As a Latina student at Quinnipiac I find this incredibly offensive,” Gruber commented on the Facebook of sorority member and Student Government Association Vice President for Public Relations Carly Hviding. “I support your mission and philanthropy, but ask that you respect the culture of others and do not appropriate it in stereotypical and offensive ways. I don’t mean any harm, just want to point that out.”

Kappa Alpha Theta’s executive board said it realized the ad was offensive and decided on Monday to cancel the event, originally scheduled for Tuesday, March 3

“We are leading women of the community and on campus and it was in our best interest to cancel the event,” President of Kappa Alpha Theta Julia Gonsalves said. “We don’t stand for any discrimination and we wanted to cancel it and revamp it so that it will not be offensive to anyone on campus.”




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PHEW.  Thank God somebody finally said something.  Been bothering me for years and never had the courage to say anything, but if there two things that have been a blight on society, it’s unfair depictions of maracas and god damn foster kids.  Always with their hands out, looking for free money, wahhh we’re orphans, we don’t have homes of our own because of some horrible tragedy.  Oh no no no, not on Gruber’s and my watch.  Not if the way we are going to support you is by raising a shit ton of money through a Mexican food event featuring a pair of maracas on a poster on campus.  For far too long Mexican students have been tormented by the excessive use of percussion musical instruments and it’s high time we put an end to the incredibly offensive appropriation.   Sure maybe we’ll raise 50 grand for children in need, but at what cost?  A college student’s feelings getting hurt?  Not a trade off I’m willing to make.   Sorry foster kids.

I STAND WITH GRUBER and all these Quinnipiac social justice warriors, maracas must be stopped.



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Barstool U Wednesday Morning Smokeshow – Annie from Texas State
Mar 49:20AM EST

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Introducing Annie from Texas State.  Texas Forever Street.


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Kid Cudi – love.
Mar 39:10PM EST

Kid Cudi drops off a loosie to hold the fans over while they wait eagerly for Man On The Moon III.  Vintage Cudder, complete with a Ratatat sample, I like it.

P.S. If you like Kid Cudi, check out our Chill Beats and Medical Treats playlist on Beats, it’s flawless.

Barstool U Tuesday Smokeshow – Katie from Hawaii
Mar 35:30PM EST

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Introducing Katie from Hawaii.  Aloha Katie.




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Kanye West – All Day (ft. Allan Kingdom + Theophilus London)
Mar 34:50PM EST

This one dropped in low quality form last week, but today we’re #blessed with the CDQ version of Ye’s latest single, the fiery “All Day” featuring Theo London and Allan Kingdom.  Between this, jumping on 2 tracks on the Big Sean album, teaming up with Rihanna and Paul McCartney for the year’s biggest single so far, and having an album on the way by the name of So Help Me God, Kanye is on his way to having a seriously serious 2015.

Harvard Kid Complains That The Party House Isn’t Having Enough Parties…Gets Torn To Pieces By The Most Vicious Ivy League Email Response Ever
Mar 34:15PM EST

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Ever heard elitist Ivy League kids talk email shit about partying?  It’s your lucky day!


[via Concourse] –  The author of the email lives in a 10-person suite in Currier House, which is historically known for hosting big parties. After receiving a snotty email from a sophomore named Tyler who thinks the 10-person-suite residents haven’t been throwing enough parties—”Thought that was a party suite? EOM.”—our fed-up resident decided to respond with a 1,700-word missive.


Hi Tyler,

We can’t throw a party because we are banned by Currier for the next month. We throw parties, but cleaning up sucks, planning is tedious, and other housekeeping items take time, so we don’t do it as often as possible. We’ve had a public party about every other week on average – which we hope is not too bad. But, we also have parties which are not public because the ten people in our suite are part of student organizations who ask us to host sometimes, so “party suite” means more than just public parties by default. Some weekends we can’t throw parties because it is LSAT or MCAT. And God forbid we want some weekends without parties. Throwing parties also cost money, time, and planning on many levels. So please take your issue to the Currier administration if you are still upset about our subpar commitment to Currier social life after this email. Or you can also send out an email to the three Solariums asking them the same question you asked us…they’re also social spaces, so I’m not sure why you targeted us :/

Honestly we love Currier. We really try really hard to contribute to social life here. I can’t imagine senior year without the TenMan. It’s the best room ever and I brag about it all the time to my friends. I don’t mind cleaning up, or working parties while everyone has a good time, or spending a few bucks on alcohol. I am committed enough that I even built, from scratch, the bar which is currently in the TenMan. I love the tree community – it means a lot to me, but sometimes, things are out of my control. Once you lottery for senior housing, you’ll understand that very few groups actually WANT the tenman. But I did, and I am committed to social liveliness. I mean I started the tradition of Wednesday movie nights, live in the tenman, have made several housing day videos, was part of hoco – I am having a good time at Harvard with house life. You’re busy resume building by working at the Crimson and stuff, which is admirable, but I don’t think that puts you in a position to give us shit.

Please let me explain: two weeks ago, Valentine’s day, we threw a party which did not end up great. It was because drunk students like you, Tyler, made some mistakes. As a result, we are banned from parties, for one month, because of students like you, who can’t hold their alcohol and fucked it up for the entire house (and campus). Those the likes of you, showed up completely GONE already, puking all over lower main, never even making it to our party. Two confirmed people actually went to the hospital from Currier. Our first (practically unavoidable) mistake was just letting these people know about the party in the first place. I know you were probably drunk, so I forgive you (kind of), for sending that rude email…but I must explain ourselves to the rest of Currier – so in the end, least one good thing can come of your email.

Tyler, I am personally asking you to, next time, privately ask us why we are not currently hosting, instead of assuming things. That may be a slightly better idea. We can then leave it there. Though unlikely, you’d probably even apologize to us for being quite a silly student if you realize your mistake, because until then, “Thought that was a party suite? EOM” (-Tyler [redacted]) will stay that way for you. Consider yourself uninvited for now. Maybe you can throw a party and show us how it is done, because you apparently have nothing better to do on a Saturday night at 2AM, besides cry on Currier Underground – because evidently, you had no party to go to last night, and unfortunately, will have even less in the future. If you need me to spell it out to you AGAIN: we, the TenMan, are following the administration’s requests, and taking full responsibility for making the mistake of not being able to properly control students, like you, during our last party. Sorry Currier, we the tenman, fucked up. But hopefully, one out of our six or so public parties this year is excusable. Tyler, we apologize. To show our sincerity, the next party theme we host will be in your honor: “bad hair sTylers,” where everyone comes to the party with shitty hair because they can’t handle alcohol and passed out drunk before the party, and also just have an overall shitty sTyle – kind of like you. Everyone except Tyler is invited. *Lyke dis if you cry evry thyme 4 Ty13r!*

Everyone, please feel free to tell Mr. Bukakke [redacted], “Thank You, for convincing the TenMan to throw parties again.” But first we should let him nap, because he is a “Connoisseur of naps,” according to his twitter. Maybe after this unique talent, he will realize he was being a wee-bit mean to us. Again, Currier, I’m begging you, please, let Tyler know how much you appreciate his efforts. PLEASE. He must be the greatest student of us all. I thought you were better than this, Tyler. :( I mean you were admitted to Harvard, Yale, Stanford, University of Pennsylvania, University of Chicago, University of Michigan, Notre Dame, Indiana University and Georgetown, and are a tutor in 40 academic subjects, so I mistakenly thought you were smarter (Yo doe, guys, biology is not on dat list, so I still am more qualified, in at least one subject :P ). Looks like the Phillips Academy prep school kid learned no social skills there. At least your parents have the excuse that you were at boarding school, so they had no time to teach you common sense when it comes to being understanding and having manners. Yale, Stanford, UPenn, U Chicago U Michigan, Notre Dame, Indy U, and Georgetown have been spared of a disgrace of a human being.

Sorry for the rude email. Aside from it, I think we could actually be pretty good friends. In all seriousness, we have a lot in common! I mean, I am from the midwest too, and so I, basically by default, enjoy camping and fishing like you, I am also a feminist like you, and I also worked on the Obama campaign like you; you seem like a pretty nice guy is my point. We both lived in Wigglesworth, and fun fact, you actually live in the SAME room I did my sophomore year, no lie…and so if this trend continues, you will be lucky enough to live in the TenMan your senior year too…where you will be lucky enough to throw parties to your liking, and thereby, doing it way better than us and everyone before us! Money can buy your way to prep school and Harvard, but apparently does a few things to your sense of entitlement and ego. Hopefully, it will make up for it by doing some things to Party Life at Harvard too. So until you are able to throw daddy’s money into parties, you’ll need to know that sometimes, frequency is out of your control. You are probably blessed with enough money to throw into parties all the time – so maybe that’s why it’s easy to say “Thought that was a party suite? EOM”. I mean it’s not like you’re the only child in your family, and your dad owns a business and your mom’s a dental anesthesiologist (a profession which makes, on average, over $160,000/year)…I mean I might be wrong, in which case I apologize, and you really need to get that picture of yourself off of, because they are stealing your beautiful face….So maybe you can give us some money to fund a party next month? Or maybe you can use it to bribe the house administration so we can start partying this week. Or maybe you can just look at it and use it to check your damn privilege and shove it up your ass, wipe your remaining pride away and flush it down the poor toilet that has to touch your filthy ass to water the trees that are cursed with having to produce oxygen for you. Wanna come clean our room after a party with several hundred people passing through? (Just to give you an idea, we went through over 500 cups during Harvard Yale) Have you ever cleaned – or have people just done it for you? Cause that doesn’t happen in our room – we have to clean. If you are willing to clean and cover the cost, we will gladly throw a party every week. I’d also like to see the prep school kid kick someone out of a party or handle a situation where shit hits the fan. Piss the fuck off, man. You’re a social studies concentrator, so where’s your social skills? Would the humble outdoorsman, the feminist, and the Obama supporters, the marginalized groups which you have supported in the past, be proud of you for making such a bold and ignorant comment? Especially given you have no idea of others’ personal, academic, or social circumstances? Fuck no. Go drink some more of your unappreciated privilege while you suck on a cum stained dildo, you tool. How dare you have the nerve to say such dumb comments while being in your extremely naive position. Do you have any fucking idea how that makes people feel? More importantly, do you have any clue how dumb that makes you look? How entitled do you feel when you say shit like that? You’re not even 21, you can’t even legally consume alcohol…like wut? Be a bit more humbled when you need to be and don’t say shit that shows off how arrogant you are. Be a bit more appreciative in life sometimes. The hours the tenman gives up in voluntarily working our parties so ungrateful shit like you can have a good time is evidently not worth it.

Sorry for not throwing a party this weekend, bruh. It’s not like you were going to get lucky anyway. Any person willing to have sex with you is just too lazy to rub one out.

Sincerely yours (always and forever),


P.S. If your email has been hacked, be mad at the person who hacked it, not me for the strongly worded email.

P.P.S. ^That was my senior thesis.




And that b0ld font right there is what we like to call a nerd fatality.  Just a good old fashioned verbal Ivy skullfucking.  Let this be a lesson learned to all the geeks on campus – the Tenman* is not to be fucked with over email.  You complain about a lack of parties, might as well suck on a cum stained dildo you arrogant prep school dickhead with horrible hair.


*asked Zollo what this means, guess it’s a senior room in one of the dorms, some huge common room with 10 singles off of it.

Smokesmash Matchup from Hell – Kelsie from UCLA vs. Kelly from Miami
Mar 33:30PM EST

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Kelsie from UCLA








Kelly from Miami










1 for Kelsie…5 for Kelly


1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (406 votes, average: 4.40 out of 5)
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