VOCATIV – Dallas Swonger wants the world to just know one thing.
“I didn’t piss in the fucking water,” he says, pulling a drag off a Newport cigarette. “Yeah, it’s fucking retarded dude,” Swonger says.
“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news,” he says, flicking the cigarette butt into a nearby bush. “It’s no fuckin’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the fuckin’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s fucking awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?”
Eager to shred with some friends, he and two buddies went to skateboard at Mount Tabor Park after hours, which is home to three of the city’s five uncovered drinking water reservoirs – and a handful of excellent hill runs. After bombing down the park’s western slope, nature began to call Swonger. It was around 1 a.m. and the three friends, along with two other people they met in the park, were near one of the reservoirs.
“I was like, ‘Dudes I have to piss so bad,’” he says. “So I just went over to the wall [of the reservoir].” “I leaned up against the wall and pissed on it,” he says. “Right there on the wall, dude. I don’t know else how to describe it.”
Water Bureau officials, however, insist Swonger took a leek in the drink. “When you see the video, he’s leaning right up because he has to get his little wee wee right up to the iron bars,” bureau administrator Davd Shaff told the Oregonian. “There’s really no doubt what he’s doing.”
The city says it will dump a total of 38 million gallons of water, even though test results on Thursday showed no signs of water contamination.
“Like, how they can do that?” says Swonger. “How can they be like, ‘Yeah, we’re gonna flush all that water.’ Dude, I’ve seen dead birds in there. During the summer time I’ve see hella dead animals in there. Like dead squirrels and shit. I mean, really, dude?”
The whole ordeal has Swonger pretty rattled. “Dallas is really bummed out about all of it,” says his skateboard buddy McDonald, who we reached by phone on Thursday. “He’s a really good guy at heart. He just doesn’t make the best decisions. Honestly, he has the potential to do really good.”
Previously on Barstool… Portland Forced To Drain 38 Million Gallons Of Drinking Water After 19 Year Old Bro Pisses In Reservoir
Is this kid real life or am I getting punked by satire here? I mean this interview was verified by The Oregonian but honestly first time I read this I thought it was an Onion-type article about a typical skater bro giving typical skate bro quotes. Is it possible that this kid actually exists and this conversation was real? And if so is it weird if I kind of believe him? Bro didn’t piss in the fucking water. It’s fucking retarded dude. Just pissed right up on the wall. Plus there’s hella dead birds and squirrels and shit in there anyway dude. I don’t know, seems air tight to me. Especially the way he’s selling it with so much conviction. Think I’m on Swonger’s side here, plus let’s not forget his buddy McDonald backing him up and saying he has the potential to do really good because he’s really good at heart which is basically all the confirmation I need. Dallas and McDonald, what a fucking duo.
PS – At the same time I got to respect the city administrator dropping the “little wee wee” quote right in the middle of a major paper. Fight fire with fire. You want to piss in my reservoir and make me drain 38 gallons of drinking water? Enjoy everyone reading about your tiny dick. ”Little wee wee.” No phrase is more emasculating than that.