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Dude Sliced His Thumb Open And Now It Looks Exactly Like A Hard Dick

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fdude-sliced-his-thumb-open-and-now-it-looks-exactly-like-a-hard-dick%2F
Oct 2411:40AM EST

thumbdick

 

Warning: This might be NSFW if you’re in an office and someone walks by quickly so here’s your chance to skip out on some hot thumb dick action and an incredibly awkward explanation.

 

 

 

 

According to the guy, he sliced his thumb on a grater while trying to make potatoes. But realistically, he’s probably just on some next-level fingerbang game. We’re all using index fingers like idiots while Mr Grumpy here is carving finger pee holes and putting on his own DP sessions without the awkwardness of having to look another man in the eyes while you simultaneously spray homoerotic regret on the same chick. Two dick chess while we’re all playing checkers.

 

 

It’s a HUGE Internet hardo move to comment on dick size — if we’re to believe the denizens of every subreddit, message board, and Twitter feed, everyone who’s ever posted a thought online is wielding a a python so big that it requires an entire blood bank to reach a full erection — but this description of the thumb dick is a booooold stance by this Buzzfeed blogger:

 

dicklife

 

 

#prayformarkdistefanoswife

Super Hardo Louisville Restaurant Owner Removes Crab Legs From Menu Because Jameis Is Coming To Town

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fsuper-hardo-louisville-restaurant-owner-removes-crab-legs-from-menu-because-jameis-is-coming-to-town%2F
Oct 2411:00AM EST

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Jeff Ruby stop it!  Make the burns stop!  It’s too hot in here!

 

 

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SEMINOLE ROLL get it?   Too good.   Honestly wouldn’t blame Jameis if he didn’t even show up for the game.  Just hang back in Tally and let Maguire spin it again, shit is just getting way too hostile with raw bars sending out vicious burns like this.

 

 

Just got to keep the hater blockers on and keep grindin’

 

 

 

 

winston

 

LSU Parking Lot Fight Has No Backstory But Does Have A Big Time Knockout

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Flsu-parking-lot-fight-has-no-backstory-but-does-have-a-big-time-knockout%2F
Oct 2410:15AM EST

 

 

 

This is what Vine was invented for.  Short, sweet, and somebody getting knocked the fuck out.  Night night!

Quick Justin Brent Update – Yeah, He Got It In With Lisa Ann

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fquick-justin-brent-update-yeah-he-got-it-in-with-lisa-ann%2F
Oct 249:30AM EST

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Maybe this wasn’t just some fling at the Knicks game?  Maybe it’s true love?  I don’t know.  Can you have true love with someone you’ve been watching get stuffed in every hole by 14 inch professional porn stars penises for the past 20 years?   All I know is there’s only two times you release a naked in bed selfie to the public, 1) if you’re ready to wife it up and be in a serious committed relationship or 2) if you’re teasing the upcoming Brazzers film you’re releasing later this week.   You know just about all of them will be going pro in something other than sports, adult video star is just as good a career as any.

 

 

 

 

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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Monica from UCF

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Oct 249:00AM EST

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Introducing Monica from UCF.  Florida just feels so Friday.

 

 

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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Julianne from Palomar

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Oct 235:30PM EST

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Introducing Julianne from Palomar College.  These small schools in Cali just churn out smokes.

 

 

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Vida Guerra Doing Squats In Yoga Pants Is The Only Throwback Thursday I Needed

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Oct 234:51PM EST

 

 

Vida Guerra is one of those models from the early 2000s who blew up entirely because she has a fantastically oversized ass. Her whole gimmick was that she was just some amateur model chick from Jersey who won a contest for former guy magazine FHM and was thrust into the limelight and, subsequently, featured on a shit load of magazines after that with covers like this:

 

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According to Wikipedia, Vida is 40 now and sure that’s theoretically way too old to be showing off your grundle on social media. But if I’m going to look at any picture that evokes the concept of “Throwback Thursday,” I’d rather have it be some chick whom I cranked would-be heirs out to in high school than some model who shows me her anus daily dropping a photo of herself as a kid to just confuse the whole thing. I don’t want to see models as kids. I want to see chicks past their prime finding inventive ways to look attractive even though their labia are practically touching the floor from years of dong traffic. Make me feel young again, the days where you jacked it as many times as possible in a day to see how many you can do, just shooting out droplets of dust in the name of self-exploration. That’s the kind of #TBT I prefer, not some girl who puts her tits out for photo likes showing me pictures that’d be more appropriately surfaced during Gary Glitter’s research for his autobiography. It’s time to make a stand. And it begins with Vida Guerra. It’s time to reclaim Throwback Thursday.

 

 

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VIDA

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Public Service Announcement: Vida also did Playboy back in the day and had some “leaked” nudes back when those existed just to get someone more famous. Throwbacks ALL OVER this Thursday.

CHVRCHES – Get Away

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Oct 234:10PM EST

Apparently they remade the Drive soundtrack, didn’t see it, don’t care, but there’s new CHVRCHES and it’s cool and they’re cool so that’s cool.  If you’re not familiar with the Scottish electropop trio, check out “Recover” and “Under The Tide” and anything else you can find from them because they’re one more dope album away from being superstars.

Jimbo Fisher’s Son Dresses Up As Jameis Winston For “Superhero Day”

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fjimbo-fishers-son-dresses-up-as-jameis-winston-for-superhero-day%2F
Oct 233:30PM EST

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Best role model ever? Or best role model ever?

 

 

Able to dodge rape allegations like speeding bullets, able to leap over misdemeanors in a single bound, able to escape any situation no matter how dire with nothing but a slap on the wrist…it’s Jamiesssss Winstonnnnnn.

 

 

 

 

PS – Savage lettuce on this kid.  I’d pay good money for the flow this little bro has.

 

 

UF Bro Posts Craigslist Ad Looking For New Gators Coach…Must Have Control Of His Wife And Make Sure She Doesn’t Open Her Mouth

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fuf-bro-posts-craigslist-ad-looking-for-new-gators-coach-must-have-control-of-his-wife-and-make-sure-she-doesnt-open-her-mouth%2F
Oct 232:50PM EST

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Craigslist 

 

The state of Florida’s flagship university is seeking a Qualified Candidate to develop and implement an exemplary football program while providing leadership on and off the field. This position should be available no later than Midnight Saturday, November 29th, but as soon as early morning Sunday, November 2nd.

QUALIFICATIONS:
– Because UF is a DESTINATION coaching job, applicants must have ALREADY had head coaching experience. This is not a stepping stone job, nor does it offer OJT or other preparation for a job in the NFL or other university in the future. If hired, you must be previously groomed to 1) Win consistently, 2) Stay for more than 4 seasons, and 3) have composure when roaming the sidelines. Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly as a result of your own shortcomings, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong… repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.
– To understand, embrace and embody the winning traditions associated with the University Of Florida. This includes winning games against in-conference rivals as well as the women’s college (aka the clown college) down the road. Winning every single solitary game is not required (Bear Bryant didn’t even win them ALL), but you must post a winning record against your key foes throughout your tenure as Head Football Coach.
– Ability to win games against glorified high schools and junior colleges, aka “cupcakes”, especially when the contest is held on the university’s own campus.
– To win football games in a manner that is not only acceptable on the scoreboard, but consistently impressive enough to fill a 90k-seat stadium on a regular basis. Must also re-establish The Swamp as a place feared by all opposing football programs.
– Knowledge of the university’s alma mater. Will be required to attend EVERY SINGLE post-game tradition of singing the same on the field; ALL members of the football team must also be in attendance and able to recite the same, whether you win your contest or lose.
– If you are a defense-first coach, you must possess the skill-set to resist altering/changing or otherwise undermining/torpedoing the Offensive Coordinator’s game plan and philosophy.
– Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s defense. Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s special teams as well. There can never be any confusion whether it’s the actual players in uniform instead of drunk cheerleaders/Albert/Alberta.
– Post-game press conferences must not sound identical nor contain the same excuses from one Saturday night to the next. Focus placed on ability to actually implement changes when on-field problems are identified in said conferences.
– Ability to start a quarterback that can discern between Gators players and opposing players when throwing passes. Said quarterback must also never possess any form of lubricant on hands (butter, baby oil, etc) when holding a football during game conditions.
– Must not be a graduate of the University of Georgia.
– Must have clean bill of health and agree to all medical screenings, to include the ruling out of any potential chest pains and esophageal spasms.
– Must be able to control his wife, ensuring she doesn’t open her mouth… ever. She’s not on the payroll, you will be.
– Must not have the last name of Zook. We tried you out once. Didn’t work out. Sorry.

If your last name is Spurrier, you can skip the interview process this time. Seriously. We’re sorry. Very sorry. The job is yours. We’ll help you pack. Name your price. Please come back.

Send all resumes to:
University of Florida
University Athletic Association
ATTN: Jeremy Foley, AD
PO Box 14485
Gainesville, FL 32604

 

 

 

 

Perfect ad.  God it’s got to suck being a football coach at a big time program that’s losing games.  Exactly the same thing as what we covered with Devin Gardner yesterday.  Yeah life is great when you’re winning and putting points on the board and packing the stands and competing for titles.  You’re the king of the universe.  If you’re a player you got awards lined up, scouts watching, your choice of chicks on campus, VIP access to anything you want in the state.  If you’re the coach you got $$$$$$$ coming out of your earholes and booster slobbing your knob and dozens of bigger and better prospects to choose from when the time comes.   Of course the other side of the coin is somebody pretty much exactly where Muschamp is right now.  Fans shitting all over your life and making long ass Craigslist posts looking for a new coach who doesn’t suck like you.    The highest of highs and the lowest of lows….