Barstool U - By the C - Student, for the C - Student.

ABC – Accidentally butt dialing someone is embarrassing or inconsequential to most, but for two Fresno, Calif., men, their cell phone mishap landed them in jail.  The call, which went to 911, started like any other call to the police dispatcher, with the operator asking, “What is your emergency?”  But when no one answered, the operator didn’t hang up, instead staying on the line and listening to the pair, who police identified as Nathan Teklemariam and Carson Rinehart, both 20, as they talked about wanting to do drugs. It wasn’t long before the conversation turned to breaking into a car.  “Get the bolt and give me the hammer just in case,” one of the two voices on the phone said.  Shortly after that statement, the dispatcher heard a window shatter and the people on the phone started yelling that they found prescription drugs.

As the two were driving away, police were already in the area searching for the men based on clues that the 911 dispatcher was feeding to them. The police finally tracked the suspects down and pulled them over. The suspects acted confused and questioned what why they were being pulled over, police said.  “Oh, he’s following me, dog,” one of the suspects said in the recording. “Wow, what the [expletive] did I do?”  As they were being questioned, the suspects allegedly denied any wrongdoing, but after searching the car, police said they found items that allegedly were taken from the burglarized vehicle.  After being cuffed, the suspects were finally told how they were caught.  “This fool really called 911?” one of the suspects said. “Damn.”

Such a bad break especially when you’re an up and coming criminal enterprise like these two skilled burglars.  Really puts a dent in your confidence.  Here you are thinking you’re Danny Ocean pulling off the prescription pill heist of the century all the while you got 911 on the other line listening to you strangely describe in detail every single illegal thing you’re doing at every single moment you’re doing it.     I mean aside from butt dialing your girlfriend while piledriving somebody who is not your girlfriend I got to say this is right up there at the top of worst butt dials ever?  Like I don’t believe in God persay but when you sit on your phone in the middle of a felony and it connects you directly to the police in the area you got to wonder who hates your guts up there.

BRUNSWICK, Ohio — A University of Akron football star is facing an aggravated robbery charge after robbing a tobacco pipe store at gunpoint, according to Brunswick police.  According to the report, Seth Cunningham, 21, entered the 24-hour store on Pearl Road Monday and waved a 9mm handgun in the air. He stole a water pipe worth $447 before taking off.

See this is exactly what I’m talking about.  This is what happens when you refuse to pay your college athletes.  They grab a handgun and rob a $447 bong from  the local tobacco pipe store.  Just another broke college kid who can’t rub two coins together to buy a meal or a bottle of soda or a fucking water pipe while the school gets rich off his talent.  I mean how is the guy supposed to smoke his weed?  Out of his hands?  Wake up.  Superstar stud athletes like University of Akron cornerback Seth Cunningham need to be paid for their services and they need to be paid now or else we’re going to have plenty more armed $447 water bong robberies where that came from.

Introducing Elizabeth from Cornell.  Ever heard of it?  And no I haven’t actually ever heard of any smokes from Cornell, until literally right now.

I had just started an internship and noticed my supervisor constantly bullying my co-worker in the workplace. The abuse were often physical. I confronted him about his behavior, but I felt his explanation was insincere. I fear that his appalling behavior would continue should I not be around to witness it.

Note to Pres.  Want us to blog more on weekends?   Don’t send angry emails.  Come over here and punch my face 100 times.

PS – If this is what happens to a guy who files his TPS reports late I cannot even imagine the beating this Youtube whistleblower intern is going to catch once his supervisor sees this shit viral on the internet.

Daily Mail – A college student was so scared to tell his parents he was failing English that he faked his own kidnapping.  Aftab Aslam, 19, received an F in English class at Georgia Gwinnett College and simply couldn’t bear to disappoint his family having failed the course already once before, Patch reports.  On April 27 he fled from home and texted his parents on behalf of a group of make-believe abductors.  The text said that their son had been kidnapped and warned them not to call the police or he would be killed.  The parents did, however, phone the police, who also brought in the FBI for what they said was an ‘intensive investigation’.

Several appeals were put out for the teen, who unknown to them all was camping in a tent in an open field in Forsyth County.  He returned home eight days later when the weather turned cold and wet.  Initially, he kept up the pretense saying he had been drugged and held prisoner  It appears he thought the relief of his being returned would stop his parents being angry when he eventually told them about his grades.

Not the first time we’ve had a kid fake a kidnapping to get out of trouble with his parents.  Or the second.  Or the third.  At this point basically if you have a child, and they are enrolled in school somewhere, and you get a call that they’re kidnapped and being held bound and gagged at gunpoint, there’s a 99.5% chance they just failed a final.   Don’t waste the headache with the FBI, just set up the grounding parameters, take their car keys away, and dock their allowance for 3 months in preparation for when they stumble home 7 days later.  But I’m nothing if not consistent so I’ll say the same thing I said for all the others.  Love this move, and I’ll always love it.   High risk high reward like a motherfucker.    Scared money don’t make money or in this case a bro who flunked English can’t escape getting his ass beat by a belt from his pissed off dad paying his tuition without staging an armed kidnapping and camping out in the park for a week.

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Introducing Paige from Loyola.  Sending you out to the weekend on a high note.  Have a good one!

Daft Punk weren’t the only ones releasing music this week, but they might as well have been.

Stream Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories

HuffPo- Yale University faces a fine of $165,000 from the U.S. Department of Education for “serious and numerous” Clery Act violations, including failing to report forcible sex offenses. Yale failed to report a total of four forcible sex offenses in its campus crime statistics for 2001 and 2002, according to an April 19 letter from Mary E. Gust, director of administrative actions and appeals service group at the DOE. As a result, the department is fining the university $27,500 for each offense, the letter said. The Connecticut Ivy League university also received a $27,500 fine for failing to include seven required policy statements in its annual crime reports, and another $27,500 for not including crime statistics from Yale-New Haven Hospital in its annual campus crime data. The Clery Act is a federal law requiring colleges to disclose campus crime data and issue safety alerts. Forcible sex offenses under the Clery Actinclude rape, fondling and sexual assault. Yale has since revised its policies, but the department again noted it did not excuse the Clery Act violations, and the university must pay a total of $165,000.  Under the Clery Act, the maximum fine for failing to report an on-campus crime was $27,500 in 2002. The maximum was increased to $35,000 in 2012.

Obviously no one is endorsing rape on college campuses. Or rape in general for that matter. Because that’s bad news. But Yale was basically asking for this. “Oh well we’re ranked in the Top 10 on US News and World Report. Nothing bad can happen here. What happens at the Ivies stays in the Ivies. #YOYO” I know having an endowment like Yale essentially makes you a rich white kid whose parents will bail you out of any trouble you get into, but still, have a little bit of common sense.   If Yale really wanted to get out of this they could blame literally every single crime on the fact they they decided to have a school in fucking New Haven. Someone died? New Haven. People got fondled in the quad? New Haven. A group of Native Americans stormed the Skull and Bones Society to reclaim their ancestor’s skull? New Haven. For a supposedly smart school deciding to pay $150,00 to cover this shit up is dumb as rocks.

Cougar Center- In what might be the most WSU thing in the history of WSU things, President Elson Floyd announced Thursday that the school will cancel classes on the afternoon of Thursday, Oct. 31, in advance of that night’s televised football game against Arizona State. Additionally, he said that attendance at morning classes will be at the discretion of faculty. A less cynical person would note that Pullman more or less has to change everything to accommodate the influx of people into the city when there is a football game. Floyd said this is “opportunity to share the beauty of our unique Pullman campus before a national television audience in a broadcast carried by one of the ESPN family of networks,” and that this is “part of our efforts to ensure the safety and ease of travel throughout campus for faculty, staff, students and fans,”

Elson Floyd knows what the fuck is up. State School vs. State School. The biggest party school in the nation vs. the school in Washington that no one in country can name the mascot of. But this is the kind of college president I want. When I went to BC I roomed with the nephew of the president of the school. He came to eat dinner at our room and my roommates made me take down my poster of Tori Black.This is the kind of president I need. The guy who cancels classes five months ahead of time because he has a pipe dream. That’s the confidence I want in the head of my school. WSU +23.5? For sure. But at least they get the day off.