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9-Year-Old Kid Completely Shitfaced At A Skate Park Needs To Learn To Hold His Liquor Better

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Jul 2812:20PM EST

 

I’ve got no doubt in my mind this little dude is the equivalent of the white trashiest of white trash in America but I can’t help but love his style. Just claiming to pound entire cases of beer and casually scootering away while this guy with the camera is concerned about his well-being, the kid may be illiterate and drinking himself into very early retardation but there’s no denying he’s chill as fuck while doing it. Underaged drinking when you’re not even old enough to jerk off is an absolutely terrible idea but if you’re going to pull it off, this adorable miscreant is the Marlboro Man of his generation.

 

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^^ Oh I’ve been there, man.

 

 

The uncle making an appearance at 3:00 is also pretty fantastic. The kid can be hammered and riding around on concrete without a helmet, that’s all good, but if he starts cursing at strangers he needs to calm down. I may be an adult man here barefoot at a skate park getting toddlers drunk on a Sunday afternoon but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a little something called class.

 

Between this and Flight of the Conchords, safe to say New Zealand is a global power in the making. Just seems like they’ve got it all figured out.

Muschamp Takes Picture With Lady In “I <3 Big Sacks And Gator D" Shirt

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Jul 2811:50AM EST

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I bet you do you sexy little minx.   You think Muschamp gives a flying fuck about this lady’s offensive t-shirt?  Dude has a lottttt more important things to worry about than some slightly tasteless clothing.  Hell he’ll probably wear that shirt himself on the sidelines for the entire season if it means actually scoring some points, winning some games, and at the very least stop blocking each other.

 

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UF football, getting this train back on the tracks, one groupie football slut at a time.

College Student Falls To His Death Off Balcony While On Ski Trip…The News Honors Him With A Picture Of Him Giving The Shocker

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Jul 2811:20AM EST

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9NewsA Sydney teen who fell from a hotel balcony in a New Zealand ski resort has died in hospital.

James Teague, 19, slipped and fell about 10m onto a concrete car park in Queenstown shortly before 3am last Thursday. He had been drinking heavily with friends, police said.

Uproxx - There is nothing funny about the Sydney teen who fell from a hotel balcony in a New Zealand ski resort and died. So it’s especially odd that no one in the Channel 9 graphics department bothered to look up the hand gesture the deceased and his friends are doing in the photo that was used on the air.

 

 

Well that’s one way to honor the dead.  Senior picture?  Nice shot of you with your family on vacation somewhere?  Picture dressed up for prom or a formal with your beautiful date?  Na, how about you throwing up the sign for simultaneously pummeling a vagina and an asshole with your fingers. That’ll tug at the viewer’s heart strings.  Great job by the crack team at 9News.

Hey guys it’s called the internet, try it out, it will help with stuff like this.

 

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Girl Tries To Back Out Of High Dive At The Last Second…Doesn’t End Well

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Jul 2810:36AM EST

 

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Daily Mail - A horrified onlooker captured the moment when the swimmer fell at Lava Hot Springs water park in Idaho on film.

A nervous swimmer who tried to back out of diving from the top of a 22 foot board at the last minute saw her jump go horribly wrong. The woman appears to go to the top of the seven metre diving board with a friend ready to jump off together.

 

 

 

Learned a valuable lesson about the high dive today.  Got to go 100% or don’t go at all.  Oh and apparently this girl is totally fine in case you were wondering whether you could keep laughing at that GIF running over and over again on repeat.  Just a little bit of wounded pride that unfortunately for her was just immortalized for the internet for the rest of time.

 

 

 

PS – Knew I recognized that form.

 

 

 

Pro Tip – If You’re Going To Rob Someone In A Parking Lot, Make Sure His Buddy Isn’t The 5 Time MMA National Champion of Sri Lanka

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Jul 289:50AM EST

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TDM - He’s skilled in cash-handling, customer service … and fighting off would-be thieves. When Texas gas station clerk Mayura Dissanyake saw his colleague being attacked by two men, the trained mixed martial arts professional unleashed his fury.

Security footage shows him running to his co-worker’s defense outside Fuel Depot in Houston before laying into the alleged attackers with moves honed through years of cage fighting.

‘The first guy I saw, I just kicked him in the face,’ the native Sri Lankan told Click 2 Houston. ‘Then I punched the other guy.’

The video shows Dissanyake repeatedly punch and kick the suspects. ‘I just kicked him until he lays down on the floor,’ he said. ‘Until he stopped moving cause I wasn’t sure if he had a knife or a gun so I wanted him to stop moving.’

The video shows one of the accused flee in a waiting SUV. However Dissanayake threw a punch that knocked one of the men to the ground. He was left behind.

Dissanyake told Click 2 Houston he has been involved with MMA for more than a decade and was national champion for five consecutive years in Sri Lanka.

‘We learn how to punch, how to kick and all that stuff you can use in the streets,’ Dissanayake said.

 

 

 

Pretty much a Monday Morning Metaphor for these poor bastards.  Think you got an easy mark, just gonna hop out of your truck, snatch a bag of cash from some unsuspecting dude and pay your bills for the week.  Have a nice cold beer and finally relax for a little bit and ease up some of your debt.  Instead you end up with multiple face fractures bleeding from every hole in your head speeding away from the scene without your money and without your buddy who is most likely dead.  Big time reversal of fortune.

Just big time shit luck plain and simple.  Doesn’t get any more hardo than a semi-pro MMA fighter just constantly itching for a fight and here you come rolling up on his friend like 10 feet in front of his face.   And a 5 time national champion?  That’s who you ran into?  I mean I don’t know what the ultimate fighting competition is like in Sri Lanka but being champion of the entire nation for 5 years in a row has got to be pretty good right?

 

 

 

Brutal, brutal luck.

Car Plows Through Intersection Full Of Nerds Doing The “Zombie Walk” At San Diego Comic-Con

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Jul 289:30AM EST

 

The Wrap - Video posted on YouTube shows a man and woman falling under a black sedan. San Diego police say the family in the car was “afraid of the crowd” of zombies

At least two pedestrians were struck by a car on Saturday in San Diego during the Comic-Con Zombie Walk. A video posted on YouTube shows a man and a woman in a pink top – who were not believed to be part of the zombie march – falling under a black sedan.

A deaf family with small children was inside the vehicle when it slowly rolled through a large crowd of pedestrians.

The incident happened as Zombie Walk participants lined the streets near the corner of 2nd and Island Avenues just after 5:30 p.m., police said. The deaf family was waiting for the Zombie Walk participants to cross the street, so that they could proceed. But after several minutes, “the 48-year-old male driver slowly rolled forward trying to get out of the area,” the SDPD statement said, adding that the man’s children “were afraid of the crowd.”

Several people from the crowd of zombies and other pedestrians then “surrounded and began punching the car,” police said. The attack left the vehicle’s windshield shattered.

During the chaos, a 64-year-old woman was struck and “sustained serious arm injuries when she fell under the car,” police said. The man’s condition was not known.

 

 

On my long list of people who deserve to get hit and run over by cars, right up there near the top is “people who pretend to be zombies and clog an intersection for 30 minutes doing a Zombie Walk then punch and smash the windshield of any car that pulls up to them.”  Might even be in the top 5.

I mean from the reporting it would appear that this lady who got hit was not part of the Zombie Walk and was just unlucky which sucks big time, but if I were her I’d be suing the fuck out of these nerds zombies not chasing down the deaf driver.  Seriously what was that guy supposed to do?  Pull up to a mass of people acting like the Undead hitting your car and threatening you while you have your little kids with you?  Yeah don’t worry Zombies, I’ll wait, you’re the only ones with place to go and important things to do…like walking around the city pretending to be animated corpses.  Only surprising thing is that he didn’t throw it in reverse first to gain some more speed for the plowing.

Barstool U Monday Morning Smokeshow – Taylor from Iowa

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Jul 289:00AM EST

 

 

Introducing Taylor from University of Iowa.  Hawkeyes doin it big to start us off.

Guy Trying To Run Game On Facebook Got Rejected From Even The Friend Zone

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Jul 271:50PM EST

S3JFjGr

 

Hey Preston, GTFO with your actual helpful information, Tyler is busy throwing daggers into this chick’s heart. Unfortunately Morgan here doesn’t know anything about courtship and just ignored what a true gentleman Tyler is being. You’re going through a bad time, baby girl, and nothing solves a bad time faster than some dude you barely know from school trying to win his way into your pants with tips from a hard day’s sandwich artistry at Subway. It worked for Beauty and the Beast, it can work for you, too. Just stick with it, bro. If every “reality” porn website has taught me anything, it’s that if you offer any woman money enough times in high enough denominations, they’re bound to turn into putty in your hands completely oblivious to the existence of enormous video cameras at some point.

 

 

This is one of those times where I’m beyond grateful we didn’t have Facebook when I was in high school. Just think about a world where all of the awkward come-ons you threw out on AIM or, even worse, some of the awkward drama queen away messages some of us may have had the second you had a fight with your girlfriend were still out there. Imagine if that treasure trove of emo song lyrics, flirtatious chat logs with “hahas” sprinkled in as a misguided attempt to appear coy, and years of winky emoticons at the end of sentences to try to inject some sort of personality into your pathetic “asl” game were somehow preserved online forever, a veritable Smithsonian to your incompetence available for anyone to browse and click a Like button on years after the fact. Absolute nightmare material.

 

#wearealltyler

 

(via Imgur)

Soccer Player Drills Absolutely Insane Goal From Midfield In Manchester U – AS Roma Game

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Jul 2711:46AM EST

 

Much like when you first start dating a girl and think she’s the most perfect thing on Earth only to realize she’s just like any other woman, my relationship with soccer came out hot and heavy this summer during the beginning of the World Cup. But then America lost to Belgium and, with it, the beautiful game and I grew apart. I had to travel, soccer had a lot of birthday parties and some big projects at work, and we both moved on without either side thinking much of it.

 

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But in comes Miralem Pjanić with this insane shot from downtown during yesterday’s 3-2 pre-season loss for AS Roma and it’s like a 2am booty call. Now I’m ready to leave the bar and head over to soccer’s place again, dust off FIFA ’14 and drop regretful loads all up in and around soccer like nothing ever happened. Maybe it’s not true love. Maybe it’s not even a functional relationship. But I’m willing to pay attention as long as you’re giving me what I want, soccer, and these 60 yard bombs are a good start.

 

 

Of course Pjanić’s goal is being credited to his training with NFL squads during the soccer offseason. I just hope Roger Goodell doesn’t hear about that. Knock a chick out and drag her around like you’re doing a Tyler Perry produced remake of Weekend At Bernie’s? Two games. Teach another sport to show up the NFL with a Sportscenter Top Ten play? Easy lifetime ban.

Remember Allison Stokke, The Pole-Vaulting Smoke All The Sports Blogs Objectified? She’s Baaaaack

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Jul 2710:15AM EST

 

There were a lot of idiotic claims lost in the embers of the Good Ship Barstool going to war with everyone on Friday but one that rang as particularly moronic to me was the implication that Barstool is the only site on Earth that posts attractive women on the Internet. All of those World Cup smokes or hot female fans in the stands at baseball games dating back since the mid 2000s? Yep, all Barstool. We’re the Illuminati of pointing out women’s attractiveness for the sake of maintaining an oppressive patriarchy.

 

 

So obviously it’s our exclusive domain to update you on Allison Stokke, the hot high school turned Cal-Berkley pole vaulter whom only Barstool posted about and is now a fully formed adult woman with feelings and thoughts and abs that are practically begging for someone to leave a batch of objectification all over.

 

 

She also has a mediocre Instagram account, roughly the hot chick equivalent of ’88 Roger Clemens throwing BP, but hey, maybe she saw Jen Selter blow up and realized she can start getting famous off being hot on the Internet again. It’s a start, give her time.

 

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Just don’t tell the Woodward and Bernsteins out there posting zany writeups of playing Madden about this update on something so frivolous. Being a blog with the word “sports” in your name is serious business.

 

(h/t @pzyk)