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Someone FINALLY Figured Out How To Make The Perfect Porn Movie

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fsomeone-finally-figured-out-how-to-make-the-perfect-porn-movie%2F
Aug 111:50AM EST

 

YouTube – Ever wanted to see porn, but too distracted by the sex to follow the plot? I’ve got you covered.

 

Absolutely brilliant idea by this guy to take one of those “Not Blah Blah Whatever XXX” parodies and just cut out the sex scenes so you have just a terrible movie instead. What was once a 96 minute opus to Dorothy getting banged by all sorts of weird monsters and midgets dressed up like the Lollipop Guild getting hollowed out by some dude (seriously, there’s like a 20 minute scene of this, I just checked) is now a tight 33-minute charming journey of self-discovery that the whole family — or, more likely, hipster bars in Brooklyn — can enjoy. Now that’s the kind of porn we can all get behind.

 

The concept of this video also struck a chord for me, particularly the time difference between the non-sex version and the sex version being an hour-plus differential. I got to thinking, how many hours of our lives have been wasted browsing porn or porn-related things like naked chick photos on Reddit or even perving on the Charlotte McKinney photoshoot? Have I wasted days of my life? Months? A year? I’m 29 and had Internet access when I was 10 and figured out porn shortly thereafter. That’s 19 years of doing some form of this. Combine it with the 56k modem I had for the first seven years of my life that put together photos with approximately the same speed as Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel and I’m thinking two months of my life spent seems like a bare minimum projection. Just one of those things I’m better off not knowing but can’t help but want to find out.

 

 

PS Full video is on PornHub if you, ahem, need to compare versions. Search “Not The Wizard Of Oz XXX Parody” and skip 19:00-27:00 unless you want to see li’l Vienna sausage fingers work a dude over for way longer than I would have advocated for. But who am I to question the artistic integrity of the kind of director helming a porn parody of The Wizard of Oz? Artists make art, critics just criticize.

I Think This Ohio State Linebacker Works Out

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Aug 111:20AM EST

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Landgrant - Whatever Mick Marotti is getting paid by Ohio State to be their strength and conditioning coach/assistant athletic director? Double it. Josh Perry is proof positive the man is a genius.

 

 

 

Say what you want about college football strength and conditioning coaches but don’t say they don’t get results.  The biggest psychopath hardo motherfuckers on the planet, but if you need to get shredded, just hop into their lifting program and they’ll transform you into a lean mean D1 machine.    Just be aware these are the type of dudes you’re hitting the gym with.

 

 


 

 

PS – Hey Joshua, keep lifting man, maybe you’ll look like Kliff some day.

 

 

kliff

 

 

 

 

Sidenote, The fact that I typed “Kli…” and Google auto-filled my search bar to “Kliff Kingsbury shirtless” is disturbing to say the least.

Alabama Bro Camps Out For Fan Day For 4 Days

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Falabama-bro-camps-out-for-fan-day-for-4-days%2F
Aug 110:45AM EST

 

 

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College football, so close I can taste it.  Just like you can tell spring is coming when the leaves start changing colors and you start hearing the birds chirp…  You can tell college football season is coming when the SEC fans start ramping up their SEC fan activity.  Like starting to camp out in their lawn chairs for 103 hours for “Fan Day.”  While wearing head to toe team gear and slugging beers.  You can feel it in there air and Alabama is leading the charge.

4 words.  Roll.  God.  Damn.  Tide.

 

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h/t College Spun

UVA Girl Wins $213K Lawsuit After Cops Pull Gun On Her And Arrest Her For Buying Beer…(It Was Water)

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Aug 110:10AM EST

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NBC - A University of Virginia student who was arrested after her purchase of water was mistaken for beer will receive a $212,500 settlement from the commonwealth of Virginia.

Attorney General Mark R. Herring announced the settlement Wednesday night with Elizabeth Daly, who had filed a $40 million federal lawsuit against agents with the state Alcoholic Beverage Control.

Daly fled in terror outside a Charlottesville supermarket in April 2013 when her vehicle was swarmed by state ABC agents who mistook her just-purchased carton of sparkling water for beer.

According to the lawsuit, badges worn around the casually dressed agents’ necks were not clearly visible and the defendants did not verbally identify themselves as officers. The agents banged on the vehicle and shouted demands that Daly roll down the window and that she not start the engine. Daly, who claims she was frightened, did not comply.

One agent tried to break the window with his flashlight, and after another officer pulled a gun, one of Daly’s two passengers shouted that the badges were fake and implored the driver to “go, go, go,” according to the lawsuit.

Daly was charged with eluding police and assaulting a police officer after her SUV grazed two of the agents. The arrest provoked a public outcry, and the charges were dropped.

 

 

Not a bad trade off right?  Getting the shit scared out of you and getting arrested for a little bit for $215K?  I’d take that deal in a second, but that’s coming from a guy who hopes he gets hit by a city bus every time he crosses the street to get a fat settlement and retire.

 

Anyway I think it’s safe to say we found the biggest hardos on the planet.  These nutjobs trying to smash the windows of a car with their flashlights and pulling their guns on some little 20 year old college chick with a carton of sparkling water under her arm.  A carton!  Chill out losers.   I don’t even care that it was sparkling water, that’s just a bonus fact that makes you look even stupider.   She could have had 2 fucking 30 racks of Natty and an ID around her neck that said I’M UNDERAGE in neon letters and there’s still no excuse to go cop Rambo on her ass.  She’s buying booze (water) not launching a terror attack on Charlottesville.    Classic ABC agents who think they’re doing God’s work when in reality they’re just the power tripping losers looking for a chance to exert some authority on kids.

 

Smokeshow Charlotte McKinney Does A Terry Richardson Photo Shoot

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Aug 19:30AM EST

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I don’t know, I still prefer her smokeshow spread on Barstool U last year.  But I guess these are ok too?

 

Best start to a Friday morning ever.

 

 

 

char

5

richardson

6

7

char2

 

char3

 

charlotte

 

 

 

Fucking Terry Richardson. What a magnificent little creep.

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Morning – Sam from SMU

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Aug 19:00AM EST

 

 

Introducing Sam from SMU.  College smoke…and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader…yup and yup.

You Think Texas A&M Went Just A Tad Overboard With Their New Football Locker Room?

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Jul 315:42PM EST

 

USA Today – The Bright Complex, the home of the Aggies football program, is undergoing a massive renovation that in total, is a $20.8 million project. The team areas alone, which include the locker rooms, hallways, meeting rooms, sports medicine facility and hydrotherapy pool for example, cost $16.8 million. This is in addition to the Kyle Field renovations, a $450 million campaign that is expected to be completed in 2015.

Some cool features include a private barbershop (something that seems to be all the rage in new football facilities these days), HDTVs mounted inside the walls around the hydrotherapy pool, and LED screens above each locker that displays information about that particular player.

 

The locker room is obviously cool as fuck, there’s no way around that. If I were a 17-year-old kid visiting colleges and saw something like this that looks like a cross between a locker room, the Playboy Mansion, and anywhere anyone’s ever done molly, I’d sign on the dotted line immediately. It could use more robot butlers or even an actual in-house barber to do the hair cuts, but it’s still insanely impressive, high tech, and needlessly garish in the way our modern day Roman gladiators deserve.

 

 

That said, things like this make the NCAA look even more like an absolute joke. Yeah sure, guys, we just paid for an upgrade that costs more than the GDP of 40% of the countries around the globe but your tuition and books are enough to carry you through your journey making this money for us. Now, assuming we’re a clean program (a lofty assumption, I’ll admit), go back to your crappy one-room apartments and eat some Oscar Meyer hot dogs for dinner if your hot plate is working. Not quite good enough to make it to the pros? Cool, hope you enjoyed not learning much, have a side of chronic traumatic encephalopathy and some Lou Gehrig’s disease to show for it. Lawsuit? What? Sorry, can’t hear you anymore now, you’re breaking up la la la.

 

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Sweet ass LEDs, though. Bright shiny things! Perfect distraction for a corrupt system desperately in need of a controlled demolition.

 

(h/t @hotfoodeater)

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Rachael from California Lutheran

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Jul 315:30PM EST

 

 

Introducing Rachael from Cal Lutheran.   Yup that’ll do.

Nothing You Can Do But Respect This Woman Who Reviewed 89 Straight Dick Pics On Video

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fnothing-you-can-do-but-respect-this-woman-who-reviewed-89-straight-dick-pics-on-video%2F
Jul 314:50PM EST

 

So the context here is that this lady Janet has never received a dick pic so her friends thought it’d be funny to just sit her down and treat her to a parade of them. Sometimes friendship is lending a thoughtful ear, sometimes it’s splitting a bottle of wine when life gets you down, and sometimes it’s compiling several dozen cock pics of all shapes and colors for the good of education. I bet Urban Outfitters will be selling women’s wall art to that effect by the time you finish reading this blog.

 

That’s the thing women like this Jezebel blogger whose “Should You Send A Dick Pic?” article only features spins on “No” answers just don’t get. The photo itself is going down in flames 99% of the time when it’s coming unsolicited, without question. But it’s an important life experience every woman should get at least once. Even if it’s a “gerbil dick” like that one dude (pouring one out for you right now, buddy), she deserves the simple respect of getting that picture served up for her to judge. Poor Janet here could have gone her whole life without this rite of passage into womanhood. Might as well not get her period or make a wildly unfunny objectification of Ryan Gosling on social media. It’s just a basic female dignity I think all women should be entitled to, sorry for being such a feminist.

New Hip-Hop From Ab-Soul, Logic, G-Eazy, French Montana + More

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Jul 314:20PM EST

Statik Selektah grabs Ab-Soul, Jon Connor & Logic, for his new supersuper smooth single “Alarm Clock,” while G-Eazy teams up with the Kardashian Coke Boy himself for his new free track, “Stay.”

For more new hip-hop from Bishop Nehru, Azealia Banks and bunch of other people, check out today’s Dose of Dopeness.

PS- If you missed the Best Rap Songs of 2014 countdown you need to get on that ASAP