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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Mahila from FIU

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Nov 255:30PM EST

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Introducing Mahila from Florida International.   Yeahhhh…speechless.

 

 

 

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Which Stores Would Be The Best To Loot If You Were Taking Part In A Riot?

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Nov 254:50PM EST

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World Wide Wob – Remember the game show ‘Supermarket Sweep’, where you had two-and-a-half minutes to run around the grocery store, and fill your shopping cart with as many items as possible … and the contestant with the biggest checkout tab won?

Ok, what if we took this same concept — and applied it to looting?

 

 

I think the whole Ferguson situation and people’s reactions therein on both sides are particularly awful and miss the entire picture more often than not. So this blog is not about that. But I am intrigued by riot culture in general, whether it was the carnival of failure that was CNN’s reporting last night or what the rioters themselves were doing. As a result, I was all in on the coverage and stayed up watching until 2am. And one thing stuck with me while watching the carnage: How disappointed must the people be who ended up looting the hair salon or Autozone be as opposed to the people robbing the liquor store or Best Buy? With one misstep you end up elbow deep in horse hair instead of a brand new PS4 with GTA V bundle. Looting is a game of inches.

 

Enter @World_Wide_Wob, one of my favorite Twitter follows, and him replying with the important question of which stores I’d choose to riot in a situation like this along with some hilarious rules and thoughts that I’m going to adapt for some guidelines:

 

1) You have to be able to carry out what you’re stealing with your hands, though it can be multiple trips

2) The items all have to fit in a compact sedan vehicle

3) You cannot steal money from a bank or anywhere else in which items would be locked away and difficult to access

 

 

Right off the bat these rules give us a framework to go off of. Carrying the items keeps you from stealing cars or refrigerators and the rules of society and sedan storage prohibit you from stealing a Scrooge McDuck-sized swimming pool of gold coins. You also have to keep in mind that you have to be able to turn whatever you’re stealing into something useful, whether that means you flipping it quickly for a profit or using it yourself. So in this scenario, here’s my ranking of a top 5 places to loot, from worst to first:

 

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5) Liquor store

In theory it seems like a great idea to steal a bunch of booze and just have a good time. Easy, relatively portable, and guaranteed to function as expected — though if you’ve ever carried home three bottles of liquor in the same bag, you know the feeling of being perpetually at risk of sucking the sweet nectars out of shattered glass. It just seems like liquor store is one of those great things to loot in theory but gets less practical the more you think about it. And if you’re looting in a place like Ferguson, let’s be honest, you’re not exactly going to find $700 30-year vintage Merlots to pawn off on eBay. You’re much more likely to end up sadly drinking a cracked bottle of Alizé out of Solo cups in your house currently missing a wall. Verdict: liquor store makes the cut but just barely.

 

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4) Hair salon

Big time upset, I know, but hear me out now that I’ve had time to think about it: How much dumb shit has your wife or girlfriend spent on beauty products in the last year? Has to be in the hundreds or thousands, right? Why not loot the shit out of the local hair salon and turn crisis into opportunity? Welcome to a world where Mister Chris © is the hottest beauty brand around thanks to a high quality laser printer I stole from Best Buy, a pirated copy of Photoshop, and a shitload of stolen goods from the hair salon. Beauty products are 90% branding and 10% function anyway so as long as we’re marketing the shit out of it via a tasteful yet mysterious Instagram. If anyone asks where I got it from, it’s an old Italian family recipe, can’t reveal it because of trade secrets. Fool proof riot entrepreneurialism like you read about.

 

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3) Drug store

Love the variety you can get here if you’re looting your local Duane Reade. Pills? We’ve got them in spades and you can become a party king, a full-on addict, or a real-life Walter White with your supply. Long-term earnings all over. Maybe I just don’t want to ever pay for toilet paper again for the rest of my life. Need a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush for your boss’s holiday gift (shh don’t tell Pres, it’ll ruin his surprise)? We’ve got that, too. The only limit is your imagination and how close you get to Heath Ledgering yourself while still at the drug store and that’s what I like about it. You’ve definitely got to come in with a plan and I’m not sure foresight is a traditional staple of the rioter so that marks it down a little but you can’t beat the sheer wealth of options for business or play. Variety is the spice of my new criminal life.

 

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2) Department store

Some of the same logic in the department store as the drug store so why does a department store finish higher than the place where I can get a lifetime supply of Oxys? Good question, me. It all boils down to the bigger selection. Sure a pharmacy has a ton of stuff I could sell but how much would I really want there? There may be some extra snacks at the drug store but a department store is HUGE. And if we’re lucky and it’s a Walmart I’ve also basically got a full supermarket baked in. Add in an electronics department and if it’s got a clothing selection like a Kohl’s or Macy’s I’ve also taken care of my entire wardrobe for the rest of my life. The department store is a five-tool player, the Mike Trout of things I would loot the shit out of if given the opportunity. Beef jerky, a Nerf gun, and a copy of NBA 2K15…Condoms, a Swiffer, and Pokemon cards…those special edition Lays “Do Us A Flavor” chips, a new hat, and a leafblower. The permutations are endless and probably slightly less bizarre than what I just laid out there. That’s why you can’t top a department store on a pure practical value riot looting proposition.

 

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1) Jewelry store

Last night I would have put an electronics store here but why do that when I can get the gist and carryable big ticket items from the department store? But that’s why we think these out. So at number one, the American dream, is a jewelry store. Do I need new diamond earrings or a tennis bracelet? No. Do I need some Jacob the Jeweler platinum blingy chain with an oversized diamond-crusted dollar sign pendant on it with room to spare for enough jewels and gold to pay for the rest of my life? No. But will I take both no questions asked? Absolutely. Sure the risk of getting busted selling this stuff is way higher than my genius beauty products plan but if you get a shot at looting a jewelry store you HAVE TO take it. Maybe that logic isn’t sound or practical, like when the Wizards drafted Kwame Brown thinking he was the platonic ideal of a big man basketball player only to realize he couldn’t shoot a basketball or walk without tripping over his own feet. But you’ve just got to shoot for the stars when given the chance. And that’s what I’m willing to do.

 

 

Plus who hasn’t seen a heist movie where they smash the glass and scoop all the jewelry out into a bag and thought “Why not me?” Sometimes you can’t overthink or properly think through things and you just go with what feels right, not unlike the actual rioters themselves. So maybe I relate to the rioters more than I initially thought. Sometimes you start a wildly insensitive list about riots expecting to teach and end up learning a little bit about yourself. Life is funny like that sometimes.

 

 

PS Rob had a different spin on the rules so his is equally worth reading for that reason. A penguin factors in prominently if you weren’t sold yet.

 

 

(Looter image by Shutterstock)

Barstool Beats Top 10

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Nov 254:20PM EST

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This year I’m thankful for Calvin Harris, Rick Ross, Elephante, Pusha T, Ellie Goulding, Ariana Grande, Major Lazer, and Danny Brown.

Click to stream and download the Barstool Beats Top 30

 

Barstool U College Basketball Roundup: Week 1

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Nov 253:45PM EST

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So as Kmarko and Brian-E do with NCAAF and the NBA each week I’m going to be doing a College Basketball Roundup of all the crazy shit in College Basketball from the last week. This one goes back a bit further because it’s the first one.

 

 

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Miami’s Miguel Angel Rodriguez was on FIRE against Florida scoring 22 points in 9 minutes and snapping Florida’s 33 game home winning streak

 

 

 

 

Manhattan threw an inbounds alley-oop with .8 seconds left, to tie UMass and send the game into OT. UMass won the game in OT.

     

 

 

 

                     

RIP to this white kid from Utah

               

 

 

 

           

Justise Winslow from Duke also had a block but looked like he had springs in his shoes, jumping over some kid from Stanford        

 

 

 

 

Frank Kaminsky almost got absolutely posterized by a kid from Green Bay and responded in the most respectful way possible.   Screen Shot 2014-11-24 at 7.07.35 PM

 

 

 

This Creighton Freshmen was doing some underage drinking during the game

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  Creighton also came back from down 18 to beat Oklahoma

         

 

 

 

 

  Arizona’s Rondae Hollis-Jefferson dunked over the 7’6 center Mamadou N’Diaye         

 

 

 

 

Beejay Anya set NC State’s record for most blocks in a game with 10

 

 

 

 

Ole Miss lost to Charleston Southern on a buzzer beating put-back dunk

 

 

 

 

Kentucky beat Kansas by 32 and all Bill Self wanted to do was have a drink after the game  

Kentucky’s Poythress was chasing down shots and Calipari was way too excited over the Cats play

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Jason McManamen from Wyoming demolished a FAMU player with an incredible posterization


 

 

If there is anything I missed let me know and email me at Simon@BarstoolSports.com or find me on Twitter HERE

Smokesmash Matchup from Hell – Ariana from UCF vs. Janie from Arizona

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Nov 253:10PM EST

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Ariana from UCF

 

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Janie from Zona

 

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1 for Ariana…5 for Janie

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (235 votes, average: 3.93 out of 5)
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UF Fan Hilariously Hacks Florida State’s Admissions Page

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Nov 252:45PM EST

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Easily the best part of the hack:  the quick links.

 

 

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Runner up, Ugly Pictures of Shit.

 

 

 

 

Man, Florida is really dead set on spicing this rivalry up.

 

 

 

 

Hey, a lot worse teams than UF have made a game of it with FSU lately.  They come out flat again and I wouldn’t be shocked if the Gators sneak one out.

White Dude On Wyoming Drops The Hammer On Florida A&M Defender Trying To Take A Charge

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Nov 252:00PM EST

 

 

 

Filthy dunk.  Haven’t seen a white guy beat a charge attempt that badly since…. eh you know what, never mind.  That joke’s in poor taste.  Great ups though.

 

 

 

Johnny Football’s Hotel Lobby Fanboy Is a Convicted Felon Who Is Known For Marijuana and Cocaine Abuse #HugGate

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Nov 251:25PM EST

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Cleve Scene - “Yeah, it actually all started through me. We had a room — it was my brother’s birthday — so we were staying at the Metropolitan at the 9. We partied there, and at the end of the night I was going back up to my room, and I noticed the guy. I was like, ‘Man, that’s Johnny Manziel.’ They were trying to keep it quiet, keep it low, and I was like ‘Johnny Football!’ I was just excited. But anyways, I went to give him like a handshake, or dap or whatever you want to call it, one of his buddies like tackled me. It was going down, a whole bunch of people started fighting. It ended pretty quick.”

“I got a bruised hip and a bruised elbow, and somebody hit me in the back of the head, too. My brother saw what was going on and he ran he tackled Johhny Manziel — I guess he got the sack and the fumble. He tackled him, yeah, I’m talking about he speared him all the way to the back wall. I was cornered; I was by myself and Johnny Manziel and like three or four of his buddies were all coming at me. (My brother) just came to help me out, and I guess Johnny sucker punched him while the security guard was holding him. It should be all on video.”

“No [one was arrested], like 20 officers came and I was sitting in the lobby because I did not do anything wrong but be a fan. All these cops run into the lobby, and they’re like, “Who was fighting, who was fighting?” and I just raised my hand, and was like, listen, watch the camera, and stuff like that. I may be guilty of being a fan, but that’s about it. I even showed them the guy that sucker punched me and the cops walked right up to him, talking to him for a while, and they let us all go. They just told me I had to leave the hotel, and me and my ride, we left. Manziel never punched me, but he got a sucker punch on my brother.”

“I know somebody else in the group smashed Johnny right in the face. Smashed him, smashed him. I watched the whole game to see if we could spot him on the sidelines.”

 

Sandusky – Federal court documents show that Chris Gonos, however, now has special conditions imposed on him because he failed multiple drug tests in recent months and weeks. He tested positive for marijuana use in September and last week, and he tested positive for cocaine in June.

He told court officials “marijuana use has been a part of his life for so long, and stopping has been more difficult than he imagined,” according to court documents. The conditions of his release require him to avoid alcohol use and continue undergoing substance abuse treatment.

The family was accused of taking cash from Dianna’s Deli in Sandusky and Port Clinton and The Depot in Sandusky and making multiple deposits of cash just less than the $10,000 threshold, to evade the filing of a Currency Transaction Report, according to the U.S Northern District Court. The indictment states the incidents took place between 2007 and 2009.

 

 

 

Yeah this guy totally wasn’t fucked up beyond belief antagonizing Johnny and his crew.  Just your normal every day well-to-do fan who wanted to slap his second favorite Browns quarterback with a high five and say how are ya.  Give me a break.  Hey jock sniffer, keep your marijuana and cocaine away from Johnny Football.  He’s in the middle of the season right now living a clean lifestyle, don’t need your bad influence hanging around facilitating sucker punches and hotel lobby melees.

 

I will give him this though, the dude does pull.

 

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Ty Dolla $ign – Stand For (Prod. Diplo)

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Nov 2512:45PM EST

Ty Dolla $ign teams up with music’s busiest man for one of the hottest hip-hop records I’ve heard in a minute.

Stream more from Diplo || Stream more from Ty Dola $ign

This New “Hipster Hostel” Might Actually Be The Most Obnoxious Place On Earth

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Nov 2512:00PM EST

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This is a divisive time for us as a people so let’s all look to the unifying threads of life. Sure we all want money and happiness and love but hating hipsters has to be right behind those on the list of things that can bring us together. I mean look at these people:

 

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Just the absolute worst regardless of your race, social standing, or political leanings, a veritable murderer’s row of hateability. Plus “original microbreweries neighboring fishmongers, local art galleries, and buzzy sustainable restaurants” might be one of the most pretentious sentences the English language has ever concocted. It’s downright impressive how many douche chills I felt running up and down my spine throughout that 90 second video. These are the ties that bind us and can help us all heal. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be opposed if Ferguson had an international airport that could allow the riot after party to storm its way over to the Urban House in Copenhagen.

 

 

In other news, this is easily one of the most disappointed moments I’ve had online since the throwback days of a 56K modem waiting for an image to load pixel by pixel.

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