Katy’s been quiet since “Dark Horse,” nothing quiet about doing a song with Riff Raff though. I honestly kind of like the dude, I just can’t find a song of his that I can fuck with even a little.
August 18, 2014 - August 24, 2014
Most women want a husband. Sure these days there are some über feminists who find value in themselves, don’t need a man blah blah whatever. The bottom line is most girls grow up at least wanting to be a beautiful bride or, at the very least, a pretty little princess with some Prince Charming to rescue them from monotony and lonely bean flicking for the rest of their lives.
Then there’s women who are so afraid of the cold embrace of death coming without having walked down the aisle and awkwardly done the “Funky Chicken” dance that their lives would be meaningless without it. The Twitter handle My Future Husband, which is run by two women and has over 26,000 I’m sure completely delightful followers, would be that extreme. Some of the more interesting tweets just from the last few days include:
Okay, not too bad. Every girl does this while quietly muttering to herself about “He’s not even that cute” or “She’s fat anyway, probably got knocked up. Whore.” I think most chicks would still be in.
There is NO WORLD in which a woman wants or should want that outside of the Brazilian scat porn equivalent of the Brazzers studios. In fact, if this were the case, I’d go so far as to declare it’d take some of the fun out of cutting one. It’s a violation of the social contract we have, like that episode of Seinfeld where George ran over the pigeons.
If there are any female Barstool readers out there right now — sup Kelly Hall how u livin — they should know that any man who would ever say this from you is far more likely to murder you in the shower while wearing a wig to look like his mother than he is to be the man of your dreams. That’s not poetic or romantic, that’s needy in a way that any rational woman would spit in the face of.
Isn’t this the equivalent of a guy demanding he be able to fuck his girlfriend whenever he wants? Pretty sure women have all agreed that’s sexual assault. This is a free nation, ma’am, and I’m not going to sit here and spend countless hours taking cuddle-rape showers because you can’t keep it in your emotional pants.
This one creeped me out, too. What crazy cat lady wants a guy to drop his possibly-swampy ass and sweaty balls on her feet to keep them warm? I’m not a fat dude at all but I still have 80 pounds on my girlfriend, I’m pretty sure that would qualify as domestic violence in most states. I like this guy Piyush running a little game on Twitter but the girls running this account better be careful. Piyush’ll stone a bitch if she walks alone at night with her “fog” in a heartbeat.
And I guess that explains why the future husband isn’t a present husband. I’ve been more than tolerant of female insanity once sex was on the table but to put up with it without the temporary release from life’s struggles of blowing a load in or around a girl? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
Anyway feel free to go check the Twitter out yourselves and, if your girlfriend is following it, run for the hills leaving a you-sized hole in the wall accordingly.
USA - Cable’s WE network has just announced the greenlighting of Sex Box, a show that promises to feature couples having sex in a box on the set. The network says the series, produced by Relativity Television and adapted from a U.K. series (of course), “is an extreme therapy reality concept.”
Here’s how it goes:
Couples discuss their relationship issues with a panel of experts.
Then they “retire to a camera-free, soundproof” box on set to have sex.
While in there, a panel of experts will talk about them, discussing their initial observations and pondering whether the duo’s relationship will survive.
Then the couple must “emerge to immediately discuss their experiences in the box.”
No mention of how long they will be expected/allowed to spend in the box, but WE points out that an important “cuddle hormone” will factor into it all:
Scientists and researchers cite that people are more trusting and open in the moments immediately after sex due to the body’s natural release of oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.” As a result, post coital couples therapy is more powerful and effective.
Wait you can’t actually watch the people have sex? They go in some shut off camera free soundproofed box to do it while we hear relationship advice from experts? Holy shit, not to throw hyperbole around, but I mean this literally: Worst TV show ever.
And I’m not just talking about for people to watch. I mean the contestants also. Seriously every other contestant on a show at least gets a shot at winning a ton of cash or cars or big prizes. Sure they may get humiliated and may have to go through some embarrassing stuff but at the end of the day there’s a chance you’ll be rich and possibly even famous. But an “extreme therapy” show? Where your entire relationship is analyzed on TV to millions of viewers while you’re stuck in a box and forced to have sex? And they’re monitoring how much you cuddle with a cuddle hormone monitor? Jesus. Plus how about when you’re done in your usual 1 minute and 30 seconds and either have to come out before the timer hits 2 minutes, or convince your wife (who probably hates your guts since you’re on this show in the first place) to stay in there longer with you to make it look good. Emasculation city. Not even joking they need to monitor and background check the shit out of anyone who willingly signs up to be on Sex Box because we’re talking about some real psychopaths right there.
At least we get some “exit interviews” when they’re done though. How was your experience in the box? How do you think it was? We did missionary for 3 minutes while I stared into a pillow and she looked at the ceiling probably thinking about what Bravo show she was going to fire up on the DVR when we were done then she yelled at me for finishing on her sheets instead of the towel she brought over. We’re on a fucking relationship therapy TV show.
Four Firefighters Electrocuted While Helping Campbellsville University Students Do The Ice Bucket Challenge
CAMPBELLSVILLE, KY (WAVE) – Four firefighters with the Campbellsville Fire Department were shocked — one of them critically — while helping the Campbellsville University marching band with an ALS ice bucket challenge, according to a spokesman for Supporting Heroes, an organization that provides support to family members after emergency responders are injured or killed in the line of duty.
Eric Johnson said two of the injured firefighters are being treated at and will be released from a Campbellsville hospital today. The other two firefighters were transported to University of Louisville Hospital. One of them is in critical condition. The other is in fair condition, Johnson said.
Sources say the incident happened when the fire truck’s aerial basket touched power lines. Power went out across a wide portion of the Campbellsville area, affecting about 4,500 customers. A spokeswoman for LG&E-KU said the utility company took a transmission line out of service after being notified of the incident involving the line. Power has since been restored in the area.
Oook I think we’ve officially hit the tipping point on Ice Bucket Challenge videos. And no I don’t mean simply pouring an ice bucket on your head and nominating some friends and donating cash to a great cause. That should go on for as long as it’s bringing in funds to fight a horrible disease. I mean everybody trying to one-up each other and do bigger and better things in their videos. Trying to get more likes and shares than their friends, trying to be the next viral hit on the internet and get featured on the Today Show or Ellen or something. Don’t really think you getting more attention and praise for how awesome your video is is really the spirit of the challenge. And when we’re at the point that four firefighters are getting electrocuted into critical condition I think it’s time to rein it back a little bit. Don’t need ice water dumped on top of you from a 30 foot high firetruck ladder guys. Money’s still green no matter how much velocity the water has when it hits you. Fucking marching bands.
Harvey Updyke Dunk Tank Appearance Cancelled After Katherine Webb And Dee Dee Bonner Get Flood Of Death Threats
ESPN - Auburn football fans won’t get a shot at Harvey Updyke after all. The organizers of a Sept. 29 charity event in Mobile, Alabama, have pulled the plug on having Updyke appear for a pie throw or dunking booth.
Organizers originally believed having Updyke there might give Auburn fans a much-wanted opportunity to get even with him, after he infamously poisoned the beloved oak trees at Toomer’s Corner near the Auburn campus during the Tigers’ 2010 national championship season.
But Updyke’s appearance was canceled Thursday after former Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron’s mother, Dee Dee Bonner, and wife Katherine received death threats and other ugly messages on social media.
“It seems to be taking away from the primary purpose, which is raising awareness for children’s cancer,” Bonner said. “We don’t want to take away from the focus. We needed to get away from it.”
The event is to honor John Oliver, a boy from the Mobile area who died from cancer in July. The money raised will benefit Roses From Linda, a nonprofit organization that helps cover transportation costs so family members can visit terminally ill loved ones, as well as children’s cancer research.
“I think Mr. Updyke’s heart was in the right place with what he wanted to do, but I think too many people are still upset about what he did and haven’t gotten over it,” Bonner said. “I didn’t approve of what he did, but I think he really wanted to help.”
Well I think it’s safe to say I underestimated SEC fans. Here I was thinking they would show up in waves to the charity event and try to take out Harvey Updyke. Dress up in disguise in some XL Roll Tide shirts and elephant hats then rip them off at the last second and start pummeling his face in while yelling War Eagle holding his head underwater in the dunk tank. Little did I know they wouldn’t even last a few hours without getting it shut down by flooding Katherine Webb and fucking AJ McCarron’s mother with vicious hardcore death threats. Not even Harvey himself. So much hatred they went straight for the organizers. That’s some next level SEC shit. You got this nice charity event organized and think this would be a huge draw for attendance and donations? For what, anything important? Oh, cancer? Sorry but he poisoned our trees.
At the end of the day though, such a savvy move by Katherine and Dee Dee. You think they had any intentions of letting Harvey Updyke get dunk tanked and cream pied? Think they didn’t realize that the most hated man in the state of Alabama wouldn’t be welcome at a public event and get shut down before he even stepped through the door? They got their event in the top 10 stories on ESPN and have “Roses from Linda” information plastered on every meaningful sports site in the country, nationwide not just in Alabama. Charity awareness job well done.
Kelly Hall AKA Mrs. Matthew Stafford Says She Follows Barstool On Instagram For Inspiration From The Smokeshows
Classic chick move from our girl Kelly Hall right here. Saying she follows Barstool because the girls are sooo pretty and sooo thin and she needs inspiration to look like them for her wedding. Umm newsflash Kelly, you’re like one of the original smokebombs. We’ve been posting your Instagram updates for like 4 years straight with the Stoolies legitimately drooling over them. I mean yes I agree Elizabeth from Michigan is one of our greatest smokes of all time but let’s be real, you’re right up there. And no I’m not just piling on the compliments hoping for an invite to the wedding or at least a spot on the backup list, but if it works, it works.
Everyone always tells me I’m obsessed with Alabama. They say I’m obsessed with the SEC. They say it’s all I think and talk about it. Well you tell me. How many ACC fans are tattooing their team catch phrases all over their face? How many Big 10 fans are getting arrested literally every single day and yelling their team motto at the camera? How many AAC fans? How many MAC fans? Yeah. You run a blog about the crazy stupid stuff that college sports fans do and try not to mention Alabama for a day, see how it works out. They are the gift that keeps on giving… and never, ever, ever stops giving.