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ESPN- The answer to the riddle, one apparently as hard to solve as that of the Sphinx, must be here in this basement apartment just off the Ohio State campus, the one with the Fathead of Urban Meyer’s head tilting in the window. There’s no place else to look. Others have tried and come up empty, so the solution must be here. It has to be. And yet, when the riddle is posed, there is a pause, a bit of head-scratching, and “hmmmmmm …” Until finally, mercifully, Logan Jones, bless his soul, thinks he has it. While his three roommates sit silently trying to come up with something, anything, Jones offers up his aha! moment.
“Ice cream. He eats ice cream like every night,” Jones says.
So there it is America, the secret dirt, the unearthed gossip: Aaron Craft has a vice and it is a post-sunset addiction to cookie dough ice cream. Someone alert TMZ. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke — a basketball player (Craft), a baseball player (Greg Greve), a football player (Roberts, who is transferring to Harvard next semester), a golfer (Jones) and another guy (that would be Michael Duffy, who played hoops at nearby Division III Wittenberg but somehow has been tabbed the “non-athlete”), walk into a bar. Except the joke would end there. Craft would never walk into a bar.
“People are always looking for the inside scoop,” Jones said. “What’s he like behind closed doors. There just isn’t one.”
Unless, that is, the scoop is for ice cream. Then we’ve got the makings of a scandal.
So today ESPN ran this awful article about how perfect Aaron Craft is and how he’s not only a great basketball player and a great person, but also the model roommate. Vintage ESPN move, delivering those hard hitting sports stories as per usual. Gee thanks Bristol, because I really fucking care about which NCAA players wash their own dishes. I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this is the dumbest thing that a human being has ever written, and I used to read Barstool LA. Like does anybody give a flying fuck that Aaron Craft likes to eat ice cream and tacos? No, of course they don’t. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Get a load of this group of herbs right here:
These are the bros that Craft lives with. What a bunch of dodger dogs. Footlongs. L-7 weenies! I hate each one of them more than the last. ”Oh yeah guys, lets do that thing where we pretend that something totally innocuous bugs us because Aaron doesn’t actually do anything that bugs us because he is such an angel! LOL! Man, that’ll be hilarious!” Always a recipe for some comedy gold. And while this is douchey and incredibly lame, it still isn’t unforgivable. Because I’m betting we would all do some sort of lame shit to get some ESPN air time. Do you know what is unforgivable though? This Twitter feed, that’s what.
@CRAFTroomies? Holy shit kids, hop off of his coattails for one second! Just for one quick second, that’s all that I’m asking. Just take a real short break and remove Aaron Craft’s penis out of your mouth and reevaluate the choices that you have been making. Especially since all of these kids are athletes in their own right! One them is on the football team that is about to play for a national championship, one of them plays baseball, one played D3 ball and the other is on the golf team. Don’t you people have better things to do than fondle Aaron Crafts ball sack around the clock? Just look at some of these lame ass tweets and tell me that you don’t want to punch all of them in the face.
Some laptop background hi-jinx:
First day of school!
Now this one is kind of a thinker here. They’re saying that Aaron is a slob, but he really isn’t because he’s wearing a tie in the picture. Get it?
How many @CRAFTroomies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero because Aaron is such a doll and does it for us!
(Oh, hey Urban.)
So please, the next time you have a hateful comment to post on Twitter, send it towards @CRAFTroomies, and nowhere near @VivaLaU_Brian