The state of Florida’s flagship university is seeking a Qualified Candidate to develop and implement an exemplary football program while providing leadership on and off the field. This position should be available no later than Midnight Saturday, November 29th, but as soon as early morning Sunday, November 2nd.
– Because UF is a DESTINATION coaching job, applicants must have ALREADY had head coaching experience. This is not a stepping stone job, nor does it offer OJT or other preparation for a job in the NFL or other university in the future. If hired, you must be previously groomed to 1) Win consistently, 2) Stay for more than 4 seasons, and 3) have composure when roaming the sidelines. Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly as a result of your own shortcomings, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong… repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.
– To understand, embrace and embody the winning traditions associated with the University Of Florida. This includes winning games against in-conference rivals as well as the women’s college (aka the clown college) down the road. Winning every single solitary game is not required (Bear Bryant didn’t even win them ALL), but you must post a winning record against your key foes throughout your tenure as Head Football Coach.
– Ability to win games against glorified high schools and junior colleges, aka “cupcakes”, especially when the contest is held on the university’s own campus.
– To win football games in a manner that is not only acceptable on the scoreboard, but consistently impressive enough to fill a 90k-seat stadium on a regular basis. Must also re-establish The Swamp as a place feared by all opposing football programs.
– Knowledge of the university’s alma mater. Will be required to attend EVERY SINGLE post-game tradition of singing the same on the field; ALL members of the football team must also be in attendance and able to recite the same, whether you win your contest or lose.
– If you are a defense-first coach, you must possess the skill-set to resist altering/changing or otherwise undermining/torpedoing the Offensive Coordinator’s game plan and philosophy.
– Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s defense. Your offense must be able to score more points than the opposing team’s special teams as well. There can never be any confusion whether it’s the actual players in uniform instead of drunk cheerleaders/Albert/Alberta.
– Post-game press conferences must not sound identical nor contain the same excuses from one Saturday night to the next. Focus placed on ability to actually implement changes when on-field problems are identified in said conferences.
– Ability to start a quarterback that can discern between Gators players and opposing players when throwing passes. Said quarterback must also never possess any form of lubricant on hands (butter, baby oil, etc) when holding a football during game conditions.
– Must not be a graduate of the University of Georgia.
– Must have clean bill of health and agree to all medical screenings, to include the ruling out of any potential chest pains and esophageal spasms.
– Must be able to control his wife, ensuring she doesn’t open her mouth… ever. She’s not on the payroll, you will be.
– Must not have the last name of Zook. We tried you out once. Didn’t work out. Sorry.
If your last name is Spurrier, you can skip the interview process this time. Seriously. We’re sorry. Very sorry. The job is yours. We’ll help you pack. Name your price. Please come back.
Send all resumes to:
University of Florida
University Athletic Association
ATTN: Jeremy Foley, AD
PO Box 14485
Gainesville, FL 32604
Perfect ad. God it’s got to suck being a football coach at a big time program that’s losing games. Exactly the same thing as what we covered with Devin Gardner yesterday. Yeah life is great when you’re winning and putting points on the board and packing the stands and competing for titles. You’re the king of the universe. If you’re a player you got awards lined up, scouts watching, your choice of chicks on campus, VIP access to anything you want in the state. If you’re the coach you got $$$$$$$ coming out of your earholes and booster slobbing your knob and dozens of bigger and better prospects to choose from when the time comes. Of course the other side of the coin is somebody pretty much exactly where Muschamp is right now. Fans shitting all over your life and making long ass Craigslist posts looking for a new coach who doesn’t suck like you. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows….