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Guy Trying To Run Game On Facebook Got Rejected From Even The Friend Zone
Jul 271:50PM EST



Hey Preston, GTFO with your actual helpful information, Tyler is busy throwing daggers into this chick’s heart. Unfortunately Morgan here doesn’t know anything about courtship and just ignored what a true gentleman Tyler is being. You’re going through a bad time, baby girl, and nothing solves a bad time faster than some dude you barely know from school trying to win his way into your pants with tips from a hard day’s sandwich artistry at Subway. It worked for Beauty and the Beast, it can work for you, too. Just stick with it, bro. If every “reality” porn website has taught me anything, it’s that if you offer any woman money enough times in high enough denominations, they’re bound to turn into putty in your hands completely oblivious to the existence of enormous video cameras at some point.



This is one of those times where I’m beyond grateful we didn’t have Facebook when I was in high school. Just think about a world where all of the awkward come-ons you threw out on AIM or, even worse, some of the awkward drama queen away messages some of us may have had the second you had a fight with your girlfriend were still out there. Imagine if that treasure trove of emo song lyrics, flirtatious chat logs with “hahas” sprinkled in as a misguided attempt to appear coy, and years of winky emoticons at the end of sentences to try to inject some sort of personality into your pathetic “asl” game were somehow preserved online forever, a veritable Smithsonian to your incompetence available for anyone to browse and click a Like button on years after the fact. Absolute nightmare material.




(via Imgur)

Soccer Player Drills Absolutely Insane Goal From Midfield In Manchester U – AS Roma Game
Jul 2711:46AM EST


Much like when you first start dating a girl and think she’s the most perfect thing on Earth only to realize she’s just like any other woman, my relationship with soccer came out hot and heavy this summer during the beginning of the World Cup. But then America lost to Belgium and, with it, the beautiful game and I grew apart. I had to travel, soccer had a lot of birthday parties and some big projects at work, and we both moved on without either side thinking much of it.




But in comes Miralem Pjanić with this insane shot from downtown during yesterday’s 3-2 pre-season loss for AS Roma and it’s like a 2am booty call. Now I’m ready to leave the bar and head over to soccer’s place again, dust off FIFA ’14 and drop regretful loads all up in and around soccer like nothing ever happened. Maybe it’s not true love. Maybe it’s not even a functional relationship. But I’m willing to pay attention as long as you’re giving me what I want, soccer, and these 60 yard bombs are a good start.



Of course Pjanić’s goal is being credited to his training with NFL squads during the soccer offseason. I just hope Roger Goodell doesn’t hear about that. Knock a chick out and drag her around like you’re doing a Tyler Perry produced remake of Weekend At Bernie’s? Two games. Teach another sport to show up the NFL with a Sportscenter Top Ten play? Easy lifetime ban.

Remember Allison Stokke, The Pole-Vaulting Smoke All The Sports Blogs Objectified? She’s Baaaaack
Jul 2710:15AM EST


There were a lot of idiotic claims lost in the embers of the Good Ship Barstool going to war with everyone on Friday but one that rang as particularly moronic to me was the implication that Barstool is the only site on Earth that posts attractive women on the Internet. All of those World Cup smokes or hot female fans in the stands at baseball games dating back since the mid 2000s? Yep, all Barstool. We’re the Illuminati of pointing out women’s attractiveness for the sake of maintaining an oppressive patriarchy.



So obviously it’s our exclusive domain to update you on Allison Stokke, the hot high school turned Cal-Berkley pole vaulter whom only Barstool posted about and is now a fully formed adult woman with feelings and thoughts and abs that are practically begging for someone to leave a batch of objectification all over.



She also has a mediocre Instagram account, roughly the hot chick equivalent of ’88 Roger Clemens throwing BP, but hey, maybe she saw Jen Selter blow up and realized she can start getting famous off being hot on the Internet again. It’s a start, give her time.


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Just don’t tell the Woodward and Bernsteins out there posting zany writeups of playing Madden about this update on something so frivolous. Being a blog with the word “sports” in your name is serious business.


(h/t @pzyk)

Don’t Look Now But Melissa King Put On An Instagram Clinic This Week
Jul 278:52AM EST

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And by don’t look now I mean you should head over and look immediately.

Miss Teen Delaware.  Sex tape superstar. U of Arkansas Smokebomb.  Barstool favorite.  What we in the industry like to call, the total package.





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Day Drinking Playlists
Jul 2612:12PM EST

Dante’s Born In The USA

Born In The USA


No Parents, Let’s Party


KFC’s Fireworks & Fire Flames


Chief’s Twangers


Big Cat’s Surprisingly Cultured


kmarko’s Bangerflamez


Zollo’s Red White & Booze


Feitelberg’s Party In The US


Bonus Playlist

Zollo’s Welcome to Banger Mountain



Guy Jumps Into 5-on-1 Girl Fight, Annihilates Everything In His Path
Jul 2611:02AM EST


Is he an employee? That girl’s boyfriend? A random dude just waiting for an opportunity to hit the hole like Ray Rice? We may never know. All we’ll have is this video of him lighting up five girls like a karate movie with savate kicks and spinning back fists to judge. Obviously it’s a terrible team strategy by the girls here going after him one at a time but come on ladies, have some pride. You can’t be lady tough guys and pound some chick’s face in 5-on-1 then just completely forfeit the second a man comes in. It’s called feminism, learn about it.


The girl coming in with the Barbie Malibu dream house patio chair at the end gets it, at least until he Mutombo swats it into the fifth row:




Also, I might be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure that one girl is wearing a Browns jersey. Only Cleveland would sign LeBron and draft Johnny Manziel and still find a way to take Ls across the globe.

Lifeguards Have To Cover Up Crazy Naked Woman, Naturally They Use A Raiders Shirt
Jul 2610:14AM EST


Never has there been a more appropriate fashion choice for a criminally insane woman being kicked out of a beach. Every kid born into a Raiders family probably has the same reaction when they learn which NFL team they have to root for.


Gibberish from a drunken naked woman or not, this still easily falls in the top 10 smartest things a Raiders fan has said in this decade. I have to assume there’s not a lot of savvy discussion of Locke’s theory of property coming from fat guys in face paint and Legion of Doom shoulderpads.



Love the way you help out strangers in need, lifeguard girl. We should talk about it over a malted milk shake with two intertwined straws.


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(h/t The Big Lead)

Ad For A New Company That Sells Men Into Slavery Takes You Into The Weekend
Jul 255:30PM EST


Someone just sent me this video with a link to the website and the IM “found you a new job” which is perfect because, if you listen to the sports bloggers chirping on Twitter, there’s like a 70% the Internet will force Barstool to close forever because our founder said beating women is bad and made a dodgy joke back in 2010.





Have a good weekend, everyone. If you need me, I’ll be fluffing up and getting ready for my new gig at just in case.




Barstool U Friday Smokeshow – Cameron from Arkansas
Jul 255:00PM EST



Introducing Cameron from Arkansas.  Nobody sends you into the weekend like a Barstool U smokeshow.  Have a good one!



Southern Swim Solo Series – L*Space Swimwear – Cameron from Southern Swim on Vimeo.

UCSB Kappa Kappa Gamma Is Hammering Bikinis Like Only The West Coast Can
Jul 254:30PM EST












Want to see your sorority repped on the Stool?  Send Tumblrs and Instagrams to and we’ll feature it some point during the week. 







































West Coast schools, step your game up. UCSB Kappa Kappa Gamma put you all on notice. Get the coed on coed volleyball game going now.