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Here’s Everything You’ve Ever Needed Of Kate Upton Naked (And Justin Verlander’s Sweet Dick)
Aug 319:34PM EST



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Yep that explains it. PS Kate Upton, heard of Proactiv? They only advertise it everywhere. Get spanked less before photos, too. Called Brand Management, know anything about it?

Rihanna Smoking A Blunt In A Bikini Showing Why She Should Be Every Girl’s Bae Instead Of Beyonce
Aug 3112:00PM EST



Women everywhere go breathless when Beyonce dances, posts a photo, or takes a shit. But she’s all flash, no substance, and can’t even keep a marriage together. Meanwhile Rihanna’s out there just loving life, bikini tits out for the boys, smoking blunts and not taking it all that seriously. Just zero fucks given. Sure she may go back to a guy who Mr. Miyagi’d her into submission from time to time but that’s life. The beauty is in the imperfection. She’s living every moment like they were intended, not some phony version designed to make everything look clean and perfect. Give me the real chick who’ll smoke me under the table any day.


Plus let’s be honest, you’re taking Rihanna in bed over Beyonce 730 times out of ten. I’m not treading new ground here but Rihanna just gives off the most aggressive dick wrecker vibes of anyone in music while Beyonce probably refers to herself in the third person and says things like “Mmrrrm you love being inside Beyonce don’t you baby.” With Rihanna you’d be pissing off to the right for a month like your stream was kicked by Scott Norwood but it’d absolutely be worth it.



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Eastern Michigan Just Reinvented The Entrance Game With The Cinder Block Wall Sledgehammer Routine
Aug 3111:15AM EST





Remember when the Patriots all came out of the tunnel together during the Super Bowl and everyone lost their shit and thought it was the best thing ever?  Well welcome to the next stage of football entrance evolution.  The “erect a gigantic stone wall and have a couple guys come out with a sledgehammer to knock it down.”  And no, that’s no prop out there.  Those are real heavy stones that I’m pretty sure just caused at least 4 injuries and significant fatigue for 3 of your players before they had to go straight into a game.  Making your guys go through legitimate manual labor before a big game, not the best idea maybe, worth it for the theatrics though.



Crack up every time I watch #77 get so pissed off and just start kicking and punching the thing.  Hey athletic department, I’m a fat guy stuffed into this tiny ass spandex uniform, I’m sweating my balls off, I just want to get on the field and crush some skulls.  Please at least remove some of the base of the damn cinder block wall next time to make it a little easier?



The Auburn Ballboy Is Literally The Fastest Human Being Alive
Aug 3110:40AM EST

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Hey Red Lightning.  Sup bitch?   -Auburn Ballboy.   Seriously by my unofficial guesstimate that was a 2.4 40 down the sideline.  Pretty much even speed with Melvin Ray, you know, the D1 wide receiver for the #6 team in the country.  Not telling Malzahn how to coach or anything but like, that first half was a little shaky, might not be a bad idea to swap this bro’s khakis and tucked-in polo for some shoulders pads and a helmet and give it to him on a reverse?









PS – Hey Red, just busting your balls bro.  I see you breaking up brawls over there, I see you.



Nebraska Bro Catches The Ball With His Ass
Aug 306:32PM EST


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Jordan Westerkamp with the catch of the year.  Sure it’s week 1 but whatever.  Better than never having a catch of the year.




PS – Knew the name sounded familiar.






Dude just lives to make big plays.  Game winners on hail marys, snagging some out patterns with his asshole.  Same shit different season.


UCF Skydiver Parachutes In To Present The Game Ball…Completely Misses The Stadium
Aug 305:05PM EST

Penn State dude just casually cruising to the 50 yard line…





And here comes UCF…






Womp wommmpp.


Such a bummer to kickoff the first college football Saturday.  Everybody’s all hyped up, got a solid buzz on after hitting every pub in Ireland, ready to go nuts for some killer opening pagaentry.  Annddd you fly straight into the side of the stadium.


At least things turned out OK for UCF in the end.








College Football Coaches Read Mean Tweets
Aug 304:45PM EST



Yes Todd.  Yes it is.



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Like that’s not even a joke tweet, Brady Hoke literally cooks 35 hot dogs a day, bottles the excess water and spritzes it on pre-game for cologne.



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It’s called a secret weapon, App State knows what I’m talking about.




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Barstool Beats Top 10
Aug 301:30PM EST

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Click to stream the Barstool Beats Top 10

Click to stream the Barstool Beats Top 10

Jacksonville State’s Caleb Lawrence Won College Football Last Night and the Season Barely Even Started
Aug 3010:00AM EST

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If any stupid trainer or equipment manager tries to put Caleb Lawrence in a bigger jersey I will personally fly down to Jacksonville and punch them in the face.  Let the fat guy live, he’s absolutely perfect the way he is.





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College GameDay Live Blog Featuring All The Crab Jokes You Can Handle
Aug 309:15AM EST


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And the winner for most offensive sign at Gameday…



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See any awesome signs?  Tweet em to @kmarkobarstool