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Portland Reservoir Pisser Bro Responds To The Haters: “I Didn’t Piss In The Fucking Water Dude”

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Apr 1811:45AM EST

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VOCATIVDallas Swonger wants the world to just know one thing.

“I didn’t piss in the fucking water,” he says, pulling a drag off a Newport cigarette. “Yeah, it’s fucking retarded dude,” Swonger says.

“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news,” he says, flicking the cigarette butt into a nearby bush. “It’s no fuckin’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the fuckin’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s fucking awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?”

Eager to shred with some friends, he and two buddies went to skateboard at Mount Tabor Park after hours, which is home to three of the city’s five uncovered drinking water reservoirs – and a handful of excellent hill runs. After bombing down the park’s western slope, nature began to call Swonger. It was around 1 a.m. and the three friends, along with two other people they met in the park, were near one of the reservoirs.

“I was like, ‘Dudes I have to piss so bad,’” he says. “So I just went over to the wall [of the reservoir].” “I leaned up against the wall and pissed on it,” he says. “Right there on the wall, dude. I don’t know else how to describe it.”

Water Bureau officials, however, insist Swonger took a leek in the drink. “When you see the video, he’s leaning right up because he has to get his little wee wee right up to the iron bars,” bureau administrator Davd Shaff told the Oregonian. “There’s really no doubt what he’s doing.”

The city says it will dump a total of 38 million gallons of water, even though test results on Thursday showed no signs of water contamination.

“Like, how they can do that?” says Swonger. “How can they be like, ‘Yeah, we’re gonna flush all that water.’ Dude, I’ve seen dead birds in there. During the summer time I’ve see hella dead animals in there. Like dead squirrels and shit. I mean, really, dude?”

The whole ordeal has Swonger pretty rattled. “Dallas is really bummed out about all of it,” says his skateboard buddy McDonald, who we reached by phone on Thursday. “He’s a really good guy at heart. He just doesn’t make the best decisions. Honestly, he has the potential to do really good.”

 

 

 

Previously on Barstool… Portland Forced To Drain 38 Million Gallons Of Drinking Water After 19 Year Old Bro Pisses In Reservoir

 

 

 

 

Is this kid real life or am I getting punked by satire here?  I mean this interview was verified by The Oregonian but honestly first time I read this I thought it was an Onion-type article about a typical skater bro giving typical skate bro quotes.   Is it possible that this kid actually exists and this conversation was real?  And if so is it weird if I kind of believe him?   Bro didn’t piss in the fucking water.  It’s fucking retarded dude.  Just pissed right up on the wall.   Plus there’s hella dead birds and squirrels and shit in there anyway dude.  I don’t know, seems air tight to me.  Especially the way he’s selling it with so much conviction.  Think I’m on Swonger’s side here, plus let’s not forget his buddy McDonald backing him up and saying he has the potential to do really good because he’s really good at heart which is basically all the confirmation I need.  Dallas and McDonald, what a fucking duo.

 

PS – At the same time I got to respect the city administrator dropping the “little wee wee” quote right in the middle of a major paper.  Fight fire with fire.  You want to piss in my reservoir and make me drain 38 gallons of drinking water?  Enjoy everyone reading about your tiny dick.  ”Little wee wee.”  No phrase is more emasculating than that.

 

Ole Miss Baseball Bro Unleashes The Double Hand Job Facial

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Apr 1811:00AM EST

HandJob

 

 

And that was just for a double.  Can’t even imagine the air-bukkake that would come after a home run.

 

Say what you want about The South but they know how to celebrate at their sports events.

 

Mike & Mike Launch #AskEmmert Question Session On Twitter…Let’s See How It Played Out

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Apr 1810:10AM EST

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Answer: not great.  Probably not what Mark Emmert had in mind ideally.  Try and spark a little productive conversation and debate for Mike & Mike, end up getting shit on from literally every corner of the internet. Weird, people are usually so nice on Twitter.

 

 

 

 

PS – Spilly wins.  SerJayo second place.

Rate Mike Tyson’s First Pitch

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Apr 189:30AM EST

 

 

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Perfect first pitch.    The pre-pitch photo ops.  The pageantry.  The outfit.  The wind up.   Ok I guess the delivery was kind of unconventional in an “11 year old girlish” kind of way but so what?  They said the same kind of stuff about Hideo Nomo and Luis Tiant, think they turned out alright?    All that matters is the result and fact of the matter is K-Zone had that marked dead center on the plate.   Nailed it.  What can’t Iron Mike do?  Boxing. Acting. Pigeon Racing. Pitcher.  The list goes on.

 

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (38 votes, average: 4.68 out of 5)
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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Natalie from WVU

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Apr 189:00AM EST

 

 

 

 

Introducing Natalie from West Virginia.  Well somebody is on fire right now.  (Looking at you WVU).  Smokeshow after smokeshow.

Cash Cash (ft. Bebe Rexha) – Take Me Home (Steve James Remix)

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Apr 178:45PM EST

Steve James recently turned 16, and he’s already dropping bomb after bomb on the EDM universe like it ain’t no thang. Check out the young master’s latest remix, turning in a 12/10 effort on Cash Cash’s chart topping banger “Take Me Home.”

Shots Fired By Clemson

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Apr 176:08PM EST

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Big day for college rivalries.  First UF puts FSU on blast with the most vicious diss video ever.

 

 

Now Clemson is sneaking in to SC’s field and spray painting all over their shit.   Can’t wait to see what crazy hijinks we got coming up next.  Nobody is safe!

 

 

 

 

 

h/t Barstool Clemson

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Christina from WVU

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fbarstool-u-smokeshow-of-the-day-christina-from-wvu%2F
Apr 175:30PM EST

 

 

Introducing Christina from West Virginia.  Perfect blonde = perfect way to close out the day.  WVU never disappoints.

Smokeshow Madness Final Four Voting Closes At Midnight!

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fsmokeshow-madness-final-four-voting-closes-at-midnight%2F
Apr 175:00PM EST

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Quick update.   Ginny and Elizabeth are separated by under 100 votes.  Stephanie and Hannah are separated by under 45.  I repeat, both matchups are absolute nailbiters.  So if you think your vote doesn’t matter make no mistake about it, your one click could literally end up deciding the championship matchup by midnight tonight.  All depends on which school gets this spreading around campus the most tonight….

 

 

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VOTE ON THE BRACKET 

 

Hottest Songs On The Planet

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Apr 174:15PM EST

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With festival season upon us, everyone’s dropping heaters right now, even dead dudes.

Beats Top TracksHot Right NowTop 40Chart Toppers