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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Kylee from Michigan State

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Jul 285:40PM EST

 

 

Introducing Kylee from Michigan State.  If Monday is any indication we’re in for another banner week of smokes that’s for sure.

Cam Girl Doing A Reddit AMA Answered Every Question You’ve Ever Had About Camwhoresmanship

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Jul 284:50PM EST

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If “camwhoresmanship” isn’t an actual word then I’m going to be really upset on the behalf of us all.

 

A user by the name MonikawithaK went on Reddit’s IAmA subsection claiming to be a 25-year-old Romanian woman who just started performing on camera five months ago. Assuming she’s legit, her findings on the business of being a cam girl were really something. Below are my favorite responses of hers to guys’ questions.

 

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We’re one question in and I’m already pretty confident this girl has to be in the top 10 smartest cam girls in history. That or she has a ghostwriter there penning clever vag-based analogies for her. I’m impressed with either outcome.

 

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There’s more on the subject of fake masturbation below. But for now I’ll just say that this seems vaguely like being a magician’s apprentice and the magician shows you on the first day how to saw a lady in half and make an elephant disappear. You don’t empty the entire bag of tricks right away, ladies. We build to that here.

 

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I guess that explains why she sounds so smart. Then again, it’s Eastern Europe, pretty much everyone there was a brain surgeon or rocket scientist before they moved to America and had to pump gas. Might have to grade on a curve here.

 

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Big news for any of you out there who felt like you had a real connection with an adult woman in a bedroom that looks like it belongs to a developmentally challenged teenager. It wasn’t all in your head! I’m not saying now’s the time to camp outside your favorite cam girl’s studio with a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” wielding whatever’s on sale at Zales but I won’t be mad at you if that’s what you infer here.

 

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Odds this are a very misguided viral stunt for Ikea just went up by 1000. I find it hard to believe that even Romania has big Ikea show rooms where the upper class comes and enjoys Swedish meatballs before buying a futon that’ll fall apart in three months.

 

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Whoa whoa whoa is this an ol’ Romanian hockey trick or is this true across the board? I haven’t spent a ton of time recently in Camwhoreville but I personally feel betrayed that they’re not always actually jamming objects into delicate places for the paid amusement of others. It’s like finding out Santa Claus doesn’t come down the chimney to shove dildos in his vagina or something.

 

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Bad news commenters: Apparently you guys have been giving away “sissy play” for free for years when you could have been getting paiiiiiid. Sucks to be you.

Note to the guy asking to have this girl watch him cut his dick off: Maybe tone it down a notch or ten. We’re trying to jack off here not retell the Aristocrats joke. Also pretty sure you can’t get off if your dick is down your trash chute. Get your fetishes in order.

 

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Just a general note about these girls’ pay and an equally general reminder to never trust a Romanian woman. You don’t become the Queens of Camming with a national pride in hustling the shit out of dudes just trying to squeeze a few drops of objectification out without a mean streak that should be avoided at all costs. Game recognize game.

 

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I just found this one interesting because it sounds like there’s room for someone to come in with some Walter White-level innovation and completely change the cam girl game. They say if you love what you do then you’ll never work a day in your life and who wouldn’t love being some sort of Eastern European cyber pimp just cashing fat checks in between trips to Ikea. Romanian mogul status.

 

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Note to self: Semilegal teens are a much less sexy concept than barely legal teens. Thank God this Romanian Internet prostitute could teach me about the difference.

 

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Baffling why she won’t just do it on camera and make a few extra bucks in the process. It’s called using available resources to more effective monetize. Think Pussyville is looking for a business development person? I’ve got some ideas.

PS Monika with a K definitely wipes sitting down.

 

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Love the effort with her going for the old handjob jizz platter glasses. If you’re the type of guy to ask for something that strange and specific, I feel like you should probably have a good sense of humor about it. Sometimes a load on the Lenscrafters makes a girl chuckle. Life is funny like that sometimes.

 

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Take that, Romania. You may be able to more easily convince women to sell themselves into a somewhat profitable modified form of sex slavery but can you get yourself a $0.99 colonic wrapped in tortilla? USA all the way.

 

 

(Camgirl photo by Shutterstock)

G-Unit – Come Up

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Jul 284:15PM EST

Coming off a gigantic “0 to 100″ remix and one of the hottest hip-hop cuts of the year in “Nah I’m Talking Bout”, the Guerrilla Unit is back with some all new, all original material leading up to an expected mixtape some time in the nearish future and a full length album later this year.  While you wait for that, check out all the latest from G-Unit as well as all the heat headman 50 Cent’s been dropping this year.

Wisconsin Kappa Kappa Gamma Will Melt Your Goddamn Face Off

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fwisconsin-kappa-kappa-gamma%2F
Jul 283:30PM EST

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Wisconsin KKG

 

 

 

Want to see your sorority repped on the Stool?  Send Tumblrs and Instagrams to tips@barstoolu.com and we’ll feature it some point during the week. 

 

 

 

 

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Marcus Mariota’s Fall Class Schedule: Golf and Yoga

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fmarcus-mariotas-fall-class-schedule-golf-and-yoga%2F
Jul 283:10PM EST

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Who has a better college life than Marcus Mariota right now?  Manziel is gone – wide open spot at the top of the sport for a new superstar quarterback.  Top prospect for the 2015 draft.  Got a ton of great pub for staying at school to mature and improve his game.  And he already graduated.  So basically he’s the QB1 at one of the most high profile D1 football programs who does nothing but play golf, do yoga, lift and play football all year.  Oh and wear 96 variations of the hottest uniforms and gear on the planet.  You’d be hard pressed to describe a better college experience than that.

 

PS – Mariota if you’re reading this be extra careful with the ACLs this season because if we’re being honest this blog could not be more jinx city if it tried.

Smokesmash Matchup from Hell – Lauren from ECU vs. Viviana from USC

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fsmokesmash-matchup-from-hell-lauren-from-ecu-vs-viviana-from-usc%2F
Jul 282:20PM EST

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Lauren from ECU 

 

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Viviana from USC 

 

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1 for Lauren…5 for Viviana

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (384 votes, average: 3.58 out of 5)
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Zach Lavine Cannot And Will Not Stop Throwing Down The Best Dunks On Earth

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Jul 281:50PM EST

 

 

 

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times (actually I’ve said it 3 times exactly, I just checked the blog archives):  nobody has capitalized on their ability to jump really high better than Zach Lavine.    From virtual obscurity at UCLA to becoming an internet sensation and getting drafted by the T Wolves.  All because he can jump out of the gym and always has someone on hand to film it.  Genius.  Can he shoot?  Can he play D?  Does he hustle?  Nobody knows, nobody really cares, because look at this shit!

 

 

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PS – Was that a fucking windmill from the free throw line?

Mashup Mondays

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Jul 281:10PM EST

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For sure one of the best mashup monday lineups we’ve had in a long while. With features from Garrix, Foster The People, Biggie & Chromeo, every one of todays tracks just reeks of hotness.

Stream / download today’s full Mashup Monday lineup here

9-Year-Old Kid Completely Shitfaced At A Skate Park Needs To Learn To Hold His Liquor Better

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2F9-year-old-kid-completely-shitfaced-at-a-skate-park-needs-to-hold-his-liquor-better%2F
Jul 2812:20PM EST

 

I’ve got no doubt in my mind this little dude is the equivalent of the white trashiest of white trash in America but I can’t help but love his style. Just claiming to pound entire cases of beer and casually scootering away while this guy with the camera is concerned about his well-being, the kid may be illiterate and drinking himself into very early retardation but there’s no denying he’s chill as fuck while doing it. Underaged drinking when you’re not even old enough to jerk off is an absolutely terrible idea but if you’re going to pull it off, this adorable miscreant is the Marlboro Man of his generation.

 

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^^ Oh I’ve been there, man.

 

 

The uncle making an appearance at 3:00 is also pretty fantastic. The kid can be hammered and riding around on concrete without a helmet, that’s all good, but if he starts cursing at strangers he needs to calm down. I may be an adult man here barefoot at a skate park getting toddlers drunk on a Sunday afternoon but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a little something called class.

 

Between this and Flight of the Conchords, safe to say New Zealand is a global power in the making. Just seems like they’ve got it all figured out.

Muschamp Takes Picture With Lady In “I <3 Big Sacks And Gator D" Shirt

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Jul 2811:50AM EST

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I bet you do you sexy little minx.   You think Muschamp gives a flying fuck about this lady’s offensive t-shirt?  Dude has a lottttt more important things to worry about than some slightly tasteless clothing.  Hell he’ll probably wear that shirt himself on the sidelines for the entire season if it means actually scoring some points, winning some games, and at the very least stop blocking each other.

 

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UF football, getting this train back on the tracks, one groupie football slut at a time.