January 26, 2015 - February 1, 2015
Also If you want to contribute as a Barstool viceroy email Paul@barstoolsports.com. We are looking for people at every school
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This lady honestly might be the toughest woman alive. Just destroying everything while guys literally run from her like she’s Godzilla is absolutely amazing. Not to mention the fact she’s not wearing any clothes and still doing all this without a scratch on her. INDESTRUCTIBLE. Bottom line is whatever man sticks his dick in there deserves a gold medal. I’d put toothpaste on my dick and brush some vagina dentata than even take a glance this one’s direction.
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It’s that time of year again…when the biggest football game on the planet is right around the corner so I focus on all the dumbest shit ever to try and win money on. All you gamblers and Vegas sharps can talk about point spreads and winners til you’re blue in the face. I’ll be the guy over here looking at 12 pages of Katy Perry on Google Images for an hour to calculate the medians and means of her dress and hair styles during performances.
Anyway you all remember last year’s raging success. 8-1-1. Unheard of in prop bet circles. Bought my whole family houses and cars on the winnings from that. So there’s only one thing to do: do it all over again this year (or fade the shit out of me knowing success like that can never be replicated. Smart money is on the fade).
So without further ado let’s jump into it.
(just a reminder that last year’s coin toss was the balling-est coin toss ever)
I ALWAYS pick tails. Always. It’s kind of my thing. Like a calling card if you will, the Wet Bandits leave the faucets running, I always pick tails on coin tosses. So then why am I going heads you ask? Well because my luck was so good on prop bets last year that I am absolutely positive that it will be the exact opposite this year. Hence, zigging when I usually zag. Heads baby, give it to me.
The Pick: Heads
National Anthem – Idina Menzel 2 minutes 1 second
Listen last year I got absolutely stomped out on this bet to kick things off. Thought that opera lady would take her sweet old time, ended up plowing through it in like 1 minute flat. It turns out that while you think these things are going to go on real long, they’re almost always shorter than 2 minutes. Now add in the fact that Idina did the anthem for the Pats/Giants last regular season game of ’07 in 1:35
…and you’ve got a stronggg case for the under.
This year I’m going back to the well though and going with over, and I’ll tell you why. First of all this ain’t 2007 Idina anymore. This is 2015 “bitch, I’m Elsa” Idina. So much more star power and ego. Second and more importanly I studied that All Star Game anthem above numerous times and here’s what caught my attention – the space between “Free” and “…and the Homeee” at the end there, and the length she was holding Brave. Both long gaps. Seriously watch it, it’s just dead silence from her. Tells me she’s all about showmanship and feeling the moment. Her total here: 2 minutes flat, exactly. And that was just the baseball All Star Game. Consider that this is the freaking Super Bowl? No chance she doesn’t hold those just a few beats longer to soak it all up. OVER ME!
The pick: OVER 2 min 1 sec
How many times will deflated balls be mentioned on the broadcast O/U 2.5
Here’s the thing, these type of bets are always traps. The “will the announcers mention this” or “how many times will they show this person” always come in way under what you think it is, and it’s always a complete sweat. However I don’t think that’s the case with DeflateGate. It’s been SUCH a big story and has completely hijacked the lead-up to the Super Bowl that I think not mentioning it a bunch during the broadcast would not only be weird, but would be downright irresponsible. So while I fully acknowledge this is a trap bet I think common sense dictates an over bet here.
The pick: OVER 2.5
Will it be mentioned during the game that Pete Carroll was the last head coach of the Patriots
Uh, yes? Why wouldn’t it? This wouldn’t even be borderline, it would be FLAT OUT irresponsible not to mention this. It’s not some faux media outrage, it’s an actual fact that pertains specifically to the game. It’s interesting. It’s a storyline. Why wouldn’t Al just casually toss that out when first introducing the coaches? Is this one a misprint or something?? If this isn’t mentioned I’ll quit the Super Bowl.
The pick: YES +110
Katy Perry’s Hair Color
I wasn’t joking in my intro, I’ve been Google Imaging Katy Perry performance hair colors for a longgg time. And, surprisingly, she has black hair in the VAST majority of them. All the crazy outfits and wild shit she does, yet there she is with plain jane black hair. Didn’t see that coming. But the thing is, this is the Super Bowl. This is where artists know more eyeballs will be on them than ever before. And Katy is nothing if not a performer looking to make a statement. She said the show is going to be huge, she said she’s going to put T Swift on blast, she said she’s bringing out Lenny Kravitz. Just can’t see her doing that all with black hair, especially considering my insider sources at MTV are reporting as of an hour ago she has dyed back to purple. So, this is far and away my biggest “screw the facts go with your gut” pick so I won’t blame you for fading this one at all, but I’m feeling purple.
The pick: PURPLE +500
Katy Perry’s First Halftime Song
Oh come on, too easy. Not the best odds but sometimes the best money is smart money. It’s not gonna be Firework, that’s a show closer. And too heavy thematically to open with frankly. Kind of have a sleeper gut feeling on Last Friday Night but I’m sticking to the basics here and going with the crowd pleaser with a positive feminist message.
The pick: ROAR
What will be higher Russell Wilson pass yards -15.5 or US National Average Gas Price in cents Gas +15.5
4 words. King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz. Ever heard of him? Just the king of Saudi Arabia who just died last night which has already caused oil to climb due to policy speculation. Yeah I know Prince Alwaleed is chirping about OPEC dying and everything but who can believe that? Add in the fact that gas prices are due to rise shortly anyway once the Saudis quit their price war against shale oil and you’ve got a recipe for CASH MONEY on this prop bet. Oh shit, did kmarko just quit Barstool for The Economist?
Anyway I’m putting Russell at 200 yards passing for the game (think he runs for a bunch and they pound it with Marshawn in a slugfest) which means $1.76 a gallon wins it for you. As of today the gas average is $2.038 so unless you think it’s dropping that much that fast, you’re looking pretty good.
And best part about it is if you lose it’s because gas is cheap as a motherfucker still so you’ll forget about the lost bet the second you fill up your car, win win!
The pick: Gas Price +15.5
Little fun fact – last year there was chaos in Vegas because the Seahawks did TWO Gatorade baths. The first one Orange and the second one Yellow. I had Orange and got paid out for it but I’m not sure how they handled the yellow one. But what is clear to me is that the Seahawks were determined to get yellow Gatorade on their coach by any means necessary so they won’t be messing around this year, they’ll go straight for it
The Patriots meanwhile have 3 Super Bowl wins with the following Gatorade bath results: None, None and Clear. None isn’t an option on Bovada and clear is 3/1.
So while I have no clue who is going to win the game, I got a good feeling in what the Seahawks will do and zero feeling that the Pats will even have one, so let’s roll with yellow.
The pick: Yellow 5/2
Who will MVP thank first
Obviously all depends on who you got winning. If the Pats win there’s just no chance Brady is thanking God (or Edelman who I think is a sneaky good MVP pick at 20/1 or 28/1 depending on where you get it). My guess is he’s going Teammates first, but the payout is only 3/2 on that. So if you’re deadset on a Pats win and figure the most obvious MVP in that case would be Brady you might want to take a shot on Owner at 12/1, those guys love Kraft.
On the other side if the Seahawks win you just know it’s going to be because of some improbable Russell Wilson magic. And if he wins MVP there’s not even a question that God is getting thanked first, second and third. Will probably just be an entire speech about God. Might even drop down to one knee and read the Bible aloud to the cameras. Set up a projector screen and air Passion of the Christ while he reads his favorite passages.
Bottom line is I have no idea who is going to win and I have no idea who a Patriots player will thank first if they win, but I KNOW that Russell Wilson will thank God first so that’s where I’m putting my cash.
The pick: God 5/2
We still got a long time until game day so I’m definitely still fielding any and all information I can for these bets. If you remember last year The Mad Maestro sent me 50,000 word essays on why I was wrong about the National Anthem and he ended up being totally right. If you got any hot tips, know anybody in Katy Perry’s entourage, have a friend who recently ate dinner with somebody who knows the Super Bowl waterboys and what color Gatorade they prefer, feel free to let me know so I can update. Just trying to get the Stoolies rich on ridiculous game minutiae.
Love these Texas Tech kids planting themselves on their gigantic snow dick and refusing to move for the bulldozers. Like environmentalists who live in trees to save the rainforest except its a bunch of probably drunk 20 year olds saving a massive frozen penis. Whatever, got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything. Malcolm X taught me that, presumably talking about snow dicks.
RIP snow cock.