I feel bad that I’m going to subject you guys to a blog this long. But this man posted his dating dealbreakers on OkCupid with an expectation of people reading through them all and dammit if there’s one thing I believe in it’s the sacred trust of dating websites and a commitment to helping others find love. So read through it, maybe break out your Mead notebook to take inventory, and we’ll regroup at the bottom.
To no one’s surprise, the usual subjects came out calling the list things like “80% horrific and 100% hypocritical” or “insane” and my response is, “Well yeah, kinda.” Like this guy is obviously a sociopath posting that list of items that, even without proofreading, he had to painstakingly lay out for at least an hour with a probably 30 minute brainstorm session. But any dating website is all about playing the numbers; there are literally MILLIONS of people in some geographic areas and even if you sort by weight, height, ethnicity, income, smoking preference, pets, and which dates they’re most likely to put out (OkCupid actually offers this option…uh, so I’ve heard), you’re only paring it down to hundreds of thousands of people. That’s a whole lot of work even if Cupid is on his A-game.
So this guy went with an aggressive stance instead, rallying every single reason he could to disqualify a girl. But the most brilliant idea to disqualify a girl is the list itself: Any girl who would put up with this bullshit will put up with ANYTHING to get that overly specific dick. By the time any girl actually hits all these qualifiers and read through the list, he pretty much just put the slipper on Cinderella’s foot without even having to meet the girl. One message, two vodka sodas, and they’re probably off to a romantic honeymoon on the Maldives. Women run these kind of mental gymnastics in seconds like they’re Big Blue crushing Russian guys at chess; there have been studies that prove women decide whether a man is a suitable sexual partner within 5 minutes. This guy did the exact same thing, he just put it on paper, vulnerable for all the world and some mean girl on Tumblr to judge.
And judge they shall. But stand tall in the face of adversity, random Internet weirdo. May this GIF from me to you provide you the courage to continue on:
You’re completely fucked if you’re horrendously ugly, though.