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This Might Be The Most Randomly Funny Joke A Hot Chick Has Ever Told

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Jul 2211:00AM EST

(stick with it for just the first 1:30, take the leap of faith)

 

 

 

I’m not going to jump on the “chicks are never funny” bandwagon, there are obviously a lot of hilarious women out there getting deservedly paid and famous for their talents. But when you see a girl who looks like this one is there anything more surprising than an out-of-the-blue joke centered around the comedic concept of a virgin slobbering semen out of her mouth like a St. Bernard? Biggest shocker since Truman defeated Dewey. Nice to see the Internet can still throw a curve after all this time, like watching Jamie Moyer pitch a surprise six scoreless innings back in 2010.

 

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Is there a better joke reaction than the vintage “black guy leaving the room because he can’t handle how funny things are” response? Out of all the things white people have shamelessly co-opted from our soul-having friends, how was this not one of the first ones stolen? Sometimes I really have to question the judgment of the secret tribunal of white guys who run planet Earth and oppress everyone.

The Internet Is Trying To Take Down Kliff Kingsbury Saying He Wears A Fake $100 Breitling

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Jul 2210:20AM EST

 

 

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The PostgameKliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech’s stylish, Ryan Gosling-lookalike head coach, has come to embrace his semi-celebrity status. He flirts with recruits’ moms. He’s been through his share of photo shoots. And when he knows the spotlight is on him, he dresses to impress.

This week at Big 12 Media Days, Kingsbury was spotted wearing what appeared to be an uber-expensive Breitling watch. According to Deadspin, the watch has a retail price of more than $100,000.

But, as it turns out, the timepiece is likely a fake. The commentators on this Breitling forum have spotted several abnormalities, like the following:

“Fake tourbillon at 6 is a dead giveaway, plus wrong date font, subdial font, watch has pushers but no chronograph.”

Kingsbury could certainly afford this watch — his salary pays him $10.5 million over five years — but perhaps he thought no one would notice the difference. Or maybe he himself didn’t realize it was a knockoff.

 

 

 

Check out the player-hater elitists at Deadspin just doing their high horse thing as per usual.  Oh a sports figure is universally beloved and doing way too much cool shit lately?  Better take him the fuck down and embarrass him.  Better try and humiliate him for wearing a fake Breitling around Big 12 Media Days.  Typical.

Well talk about backfire city, because in my opinion if anything it just makes him cooler?   Seriously I’m sorry that Kliff doesn’t want to wear a $100K piece of jewelry on his wrist into the huddles of the guys who play for him for completely free?  These young men who he is charged with molding and shaping and making better people?  Sorry he doesn’t want to wear a nice car or  a small house on his arm around the guys whose families may not be able to afford either?  Just a down to earth humble guy who wants to look good and send the message of a big time D1 college football coach without being a pretentious douche.   It’s called having class and humility.  Guess that’s a lost art in today’s coaching world.

And guess what?  Kingsbury will still steal your bitch at the drop of a hat whether the watch he’s wearing is $100K or 20 fucking dollars cash from the dude on the street corner selling em out of a briefcase.  Deal with it.

 

 

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Johnny Manziel and Colleen Crowley Are Literally The Cutest Couple…I Can’t Even

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Jul 229:38AM EST

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Omg I just die.  So cute.  Yeah a small part of me is sad that we’re done seeing the revolving door of smokes weekend after weekend added to Johnny’s bedpost.  Going to miss doing the weekly Instagram galleries of smokebombs that Manziel took down at the club.  But the rest of me literally can’t even with how to die for this couple is.  Romance city, population Football and Crowley.

 

 

 

 

 

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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Taylor from ECU

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Jul 229:00AM EST

 

 

Introducing Taylor from ECU.  Talk about a way to wake up.

Cam’ron – So Bad (ft. Nicki Minaj + Yummy)

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Jul 219:00PM EST

Killa Cam teams up with a Nicki Minaj coming hot off a 1 trillion degrees “No Flex Zone” remix for a bouncy new radio cut that’ll have you digging up Purple Haze in a hot second.

Save “So Bad” to your Beats library

Women Explain The Incorrect Things They Thought About Sex When They Were Younger

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Jul 216:22PM EST

 

 

How about the chick in the dreads coming in hot with immediate talk about pouring soda inside of her to keep from getting pregnant? Love how she didn’t think to go with the “standing up during sex to avoid getting pregnant” as her first one to open things casually. Nah let’s just dive right into emptying 2-liters of RC Cola directly into the snizz, maybe throw in some Pop Rocks and Mentos if the guy hadn’t jerked off for a couple days. Between that and her admission that her dad had a basket — A BASKET — full of Girls Gone Wild tapes just hanging around the house, safe to say that this chick who probably loves slam poetry has lived a life.

 

Not mad at the video at all because it’s still interesting but would it have killed them to throw a couple smokes in just for the sake of equal time? Instead I’m stuck contemplating things like “I bet this chick would be hot if her blood didn’t consist entirely of Oreo creme filling.”

 

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I’m a little scared to ask but what’s the guy equivalent of this video? If we’re going Family Feud style, the #1 answer has to be “You pee in a girl’s butt to get pregnant” but what else is there for guys?

 

For me it’s when I was really little (slash maybe until like last April) I used to think hot chicks didn’t have nipples because whenever you’d see beautiful women in ads or magazines or TV shows, they had a lot of cleavage showing but never nip in real life. Fortunately, illegal cable when I was seven years old corrected this error before it did any serious damage but in hindsight it was a real concern for a couple years there. My drawings had a lot of soul and emotional depth but lacked the anatomical correctness you’ve come to expect from a five-year-old.

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Taylor from Texas Tech

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Jul 215:30PM EST

 

 

Introducing Taylor from Texas Tech.  Kliff Kingsbury, Taylor, could this place get any better looking?

Guy Interrupts Presentation During Nerd Festival With A Vicious ‘Fuck Her Right In The Pussy’

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Jul 214:45PM EST

According to its website, QuakeCon is “a free convention held annually in the Dallas, TX area. Thousands of computer gamers from all over the world make the pilgrimage to play with their friends on a giant gaming network, see the latest cool technology, and compete in world-class tournaments.” Hopefully you didn’t open this blog around your girlfriend because the description alone is enough to make her panties explode into a pile of viscous goo like that dude’s head in Scanners.

 

But even despite how nerdy these guys are at the most basic level, it’s shocking how poorly the M.C. handled the situation. Just genuine outrage, anger, and, if we’re being honest, I’m sensing a little bit of betrayal. QuakeCon is about family and camaraderie and celebrating crippling social anxiety disorders masked as a serious love for 20-year-old first-person shooters, not some hot shot maverick coming in and spouting the latest Internet meme to show a fellow Quakebro up. Save that recklessness for the lawless scoundrels at BronyCon.

 

PS hope your eyes don’t get dry in the next 10 years because this kid just depleted the Earth’s blink resources:

 

 

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Dude Yells ROLL TIDE Then Sucker Punches Zach Mettenberger In The Face In A Nashville Bar

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Jul 214:30PM EST

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TennesseanTitans rookie quarterback Zach Mettenberger was the victim of a sucker punch during an incident over the weekend at a popular Nashville nightspot, according to its owner.

Steve Ford, owner of Losers Most Wanted Bar & Grill on Division Street, said Mettenberger did nothing to provoke another bar patron, but the 6-foot-5, 224-pound quarterback ended up getting punched in the face. He did not require medical attention.

“Here’s the truth: The guy said something about ‘Roll Tide!’ to Zach, and Zach turned around and said ‘Good luck with that,’ ” Ford said on Monday. “And the guy’s buddy then sucker-punched Zach.

“I promise you that Mettenberger did not throw a punch. He didn’t do anything. The guy sucker-punched him in the eye, that’s the bottom line, and the guy that punched him started running out the door. My door guys had to chase him down.”

 

 

 

I fucking love Roll Tide so so much.  Every story with Roll Tide in it is just the absolute best.  Dudes getting arrested in massive drug stings, dudes sucker punching ex college QBs in the bar.  Doesn’t matter the situation, a Bama fan is just ready to drop that line on you at a moment’s notice.  A rallying cry for an entire crew of southern degenerates.    Hey Mettenberger you may be in the league now and think you’re past all this shit but Roll Tide lives forever.

 

 

Mashup Mondays

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Jul 214:10PM EST

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Per usual the hottest mashups on the block are coming live to your speakers right now. Preview the lineup below and grab the rest of today’s tracks for free download on Barstool Beats.