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Top 20 Songs of February 2015

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Mar 21:30PM EST

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New albums from Drake, Big Sean, and Jack U, fresh singles from Zedd, Kendrick Lamar, Kanye, Alesso, Action Bronson, and Passion Pit, monster remixes from Elephante, Adventure Club, and Gryffin, and a whole lot more hot fire made February the biggest and best month of music we’ve seen in a minute.

Click to stream the Top 20 Songs of February 2015

 

Dude Pretends To Be An Oscar Winner, Walks Around Getting Free Shit All Night

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fdude-pretends-to-be-an-oscar-winner-walks-around-getting-free-shit-all-night%2F
Mar 212:50PM EST

 

This prank has been done before, quite awesomely too, by the kid who pretended to be a celeb in New York City a few years back.

 

 

 

First thought is wow all these people are idiots for buying this, but like…are they really?  Would you not buy this at face value if you saw it?  I mean if I saw a dude in a tux walking around holding an Oscar with a CNN video showing him winning an Oscar I’d probably just automatically believe it, seems reasonable enough.  Granted if I had no idea who the person was and didn’t recognize them I would lose interest pretty fast and definitely wouldn’t ask for a picture or lie to someone who asked me who it was.  But I would definitely believe it was someone famous, why wouldn’t I?  You surround someone with big intimidating looking bodyguards and put a bunch of cameras on him of course you’ll think it’s someone famous.  Kind of a no brainer. Well played, well played indeed, in fact kind of thinking of trying this move out next time I get to that end of the month stretch before direct deposits hit and I need a nice warm meal for free.

 

 

Some Guy Got His Dick Stuck In A Roll Of Tape And Turned To 4Chan For Help

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Mar 212:00PM EST

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Daily Dot – He makes a thread on 4chan’s infamous /b/ board that reads “I can’t lose this boner! I’ve had it for about 20 minutes, WTF do I do?” Attached was the following image of his very erect penis, with a tight, white roll of tape around its base. The censored image is below, but if you’re feeling very saucy, here’s an archive of part of the thread (NSFW).

/b/ replied with the usual blend of constructive advice (“Run some water over it!” and “Call an ambulance!”) and the requisite anarchy (“I legit hope your dick falls off”) for the rest of the thread.

Our hero provided incremental updates. Apparently the cold-water thing just made the squeeze tighter, and the chaos eventually spilled over into a new thread.

Eventually Mr. Tapedick took the advice and called an ambulance, but not before drawing a little smiley face on the shaft. You’re not going to be able to see that in the censored version, but if you’re up for it, well, here it is (NSFW).

 
 

Warning: Even the pixelated one here is a little NSFW:

 
 

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Normally I’d think anyone turning to the Internet for help for something like this is an idiot but in this case, this guy is right. When you do something so depraved — supposedly the result of this guy wanting a harder dick while browsing foot fetish porn — and need someone who’s been through it to help you out, where else can you turn to but a place like 4chan? Just hundreds of thousands of weird Internet dudes doing weird Internet dude things, the proverbial “monkeys at a typewriter churning out Shakespeare” of bizarre sexual behavior. Yes you should immediately go to a hospital because doctors have undoubtedly seen worse and nothing is worth losing your dick over. But as a fallback if I’m paralyzed by shame, 4chan is a great choice. You’ve got supportive responses:

 

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Complimentary ones:

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You’ve got ones that are basically an intervention:

 

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You’ve got guys who just want to see a man with his dick stuck in a roll of tape’s world burn:

 

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And whatever the fuck this suggestion is:

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Companies pay millions for this kind of market research, just a wealth of information at this guy’s gangrene cock head. Forget about Arab Springs, fundraising for natural disasters or whatever, this is the power of the Internet on full display. Tens of thousands of people coming together hoping some dude’s dick doesn’t fall off. What a miracle. Also, for future reference, the obvious answer is to 1) Try to jerk off first, 2) When done take a cold shower AND watch the most depraved granny porn imaginable 3) Assuming you couldn’t jerk off again to the aforementioned granny porn, try to cut it off CAREFULLY 4) Go to a hospital as fast as possible.

 
 

Anyway here’s the unblurred NSFW image in case you’re curious and didn’t feel like going through those thread archives. Fun Fact: I thought about blurring it with the eggplant emoji but the shapes matched up so well that it actually creeped me out. Sweet emoji dick bro.

 
 

(Roll of tape photo by Shutterstock)

The Duke Chronicle Alleges Rasheed Sulaimon Was Dismissed From The Team For Multiple Rape Accusations In Possibly “The Next Big Duke Scandal”

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Mar 211:15AM EST

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Duke Chronicle

Rasheed Sulaimon’s dismissal from the Duke basketball program is clouded by allegations of sexual assault, which surfaced nearly a year before he was released from the team in January. Multiple sources close to the situation have confirmed that members of the athletic department were made aware of the allegations as early as March 2014.

The Duke men’s basketball department has not provided a detailed explanation of the dismissal, which was the first in head coach Mike Krzyzewski’s 35 years at the helm of the program. Sulaimon, a junior, was dismissed from the Duke basketball team Jan. 29 after he “repeatedly struggled to meet the necessary obligations,” Krzyzewski said in his official statement.

Separate allegations of sexual assault by Sulaimon came from two female students in the 2013-14 academic year. Both students voiced allegations publicly, but neither filed a complaint through the Office of Student Conduct or took legal action through the Durham Police Department. The students declined to discuss their allegations with The Chronicle.

In October 2013, a female student said in a large group session at the student-led diversity retreat Common Ground that Sulaimon had sexually assaulted her, three retreat participants said. At the following semester’s Common Ground retreat beginning in February 2014, a second female student said she had been sexually assaulted by Sulaimon, according to four retreat participants.

Common Ground is a four-day retreat in which students discuss identity—including issues involving race, socioeconomic status, gender and sexuality—through interaction with other participants, discussion groups and personal narratives. The retreat is held once each semester, with 56 participants selected from a student applicant pool.

The allegations were brought to the attention of a team psychologist in March 2014, the anonymous affiliate said. That month, the allegations were brought to Krzyzewski and assistant coaches Jon Scheyer and Nate James and associate head coach Jeff Capel.

“Nothing happened after months and months of talking about [the sexual assault allegations],” the anonymous affiliate said. “The University administration knew. Kevin White knew, Mike Cragg knew.”

The fear of backlash from the Duke fan base was a factor in the female students’ decision not to pursue the allegations, sources close to the women said. “[The Jameis Winston sexual assault case reaction] would be the same from a fan base as large and as passionate as Duke’s,” the anonymous affiliate said

…..

Senior Lincoln Wensley, a former secretary in the Duke basketball office and current intern for the Office of News and Communications, became aware of the allegations Jan. 21, 2015 when he heard a fellow intern mentioning what she called “the next big Duke scandal.”

 

 

 

Pretty good rule of thumb I’m picking up on here lately.  When a really good player is completely kicked off the team suddenly, just gets the boot seemingly out of nowhere – it’s not going to be for the first reason they give you.  You’re not getting flat out dismissed for a mean text (cough couch Chris Jones), and it doesn’t look like you’re getting released for “struggling to meet necessary obligations.”  Unless of course those “necessary obligations” Coach K was talking about are “being a normal human being who doesn’t sexually assault people in a society,” allegedly.

 

 

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Do I think this is “the next big Duke scandal” like the student journalist suggested?  Probably a little overblown.  And I definitely wouldn’t jump to any conclusions and drop that “allegedly” tag without some hard facts and an actual legal conviction, especially in today’s climate where rape allegations spread through the internet like wildfire and make everyone pick up their pitchforks prematurely.   But where there’s smoke there’s fire, and a major member of the #4 team in the country being unceremoniously kicked off the team and told not to come back followed by some actual recorded events of sexual assault allegations coming out and seemingly not dealt with for a year is not a great look.  Coach K haters, it’s game time for you.

CMU Player Comes An Inch Away From Getting Splattered By Collapsing Hoop

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Mar 210:50AM EST

 

 

 

Anyone ever died on the court from a hoop falling on their dome?  I’m pretty good with basketball history, don’t think I can recall that happening though.  Don’t get me wrong I would never wish that on anyone, just saying, can’t really argue the greatest posterization facial dunk in history would be slamming the entire hoop and basket down onto a bro’s head and splattering him into a million pieces.  Take those “RIP Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 9.11.55 AMScreen Shot 2015-03-02 at 9.11.55 AMScreen Shot 2015-03-02 at 9.11.55 AM ” tweets to a whole new level and make my Vine account explode.

 

 

 

 

 

PS – Ripping the entire hoop down Shaq-style is cool no doubt, but nothing tops a backboard glass shattering dunk. Something so primal and awesome about slamming so hard that it rains glass down on your head as your come down from the rim, Chocolate Thunder style.

 

 

Syracuse Lax Brahs Run The Hidden Ball Trick To Perfection

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Mar 210:10AM EST

 

 

 

Brahhhhh you see that brah?  Best lax hidden ball trick I’ve ever seen, in all my time watching lax.

 

 

 

 

Lax doesn’t get enough credit around here in my opinion, just as big and hard working athletes as any other sport we post about.  People say you’re only here because your grandpa donated half the buildings, and I’m like you know what, false.  Always work hard.  D1, club, whatever doesn’t matter, D1 level never stops.  Nantucket, ACK LAX, first screen name when I was a kid, you know.

 

 

Game of Thrones Dropped Not One But Two New Clips This Weekend That Will Make You Depressed The Season Doesn’t Start Today

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Ftwo-new-game-of-thrones-trailers-to-start-the-week%2F
Mar 29:30AM EST

 

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Kind of wish I didn’t even see these to be honest, could have been a huge mistake starting the week off this way.  Ignorance has been bliss but now all I can think about is over a month until GOT comes back.  Been desperately trying to fill the void with binge watching all over Netflix and Amazon Prime, catching up with some DVR’ed episodes of whatever’s on now.  Occupying the real estate of my brain with stuff like Better Call Saul and the Americans.  Bottom line is it’s all just filler in between Thrones seasons.   There are good shows, great shows and then there are TV events which is every episode of Thrones – phones off, lights off, no distractions for an hour, always end up satisfied but wanting more, little bit of pre-cum in the pants.  Bart Scott voice, can’t wait.

 

 

Barstool U Monday Morning Smokeshow – Taylor from Kansas

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Mar 29:20AM EST

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Introducing Taylor from KU, starting the week off with a little Rock Chalk.

 

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Charleston Mop Boy Gets Euro Stepped Into Bolivian

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Mar 12:02PM EST

 

The James Harden school of offense meets the James Harden school of defense.

People Are So Pissed Off That SNL Did A Skit With An ISIS Punchline, Fire Up The Internet Outrage Machine

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Mar 110:22AM EST

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50 Shades of Grey chick Dakota Johnson hosted last night’s Saturday Night Live and was precisely as good as you’d expect someone to be after becoming famous for being tied up and fucked in the butt in a movie. But this skit was the only noteworthy one and people got all sorts of worked up (surprisingly the brilliant #SNLNeedsCancelled hashtag in the last tweet didn’t go viral though) because ISIS is something you “don’t joke about.” Internet Outrage 101: I don’t like it so it shouldn’t exist.

 
 

So where are we standing on this one? Personally I think it’s edgy and pretty funny in a way SNL often isn’t these days — maybe that’s why it’s so jarring to see — and it’s tied to something in the news with ISIS recruiting regular white chicks. It’s not like they had her sawing off Hulk Hogan’s head while a sad slowed down version of “Real American” played. And sometimes the best way to take power away from something truly dangerous is through parody. Speaking about ISIS only in whispers and horrible things they want us to see does nothing but further their agenda. Plus it’s just a good spin on the trite “kid going to college” ads. Just let a joke show do jokes sometimes, angry people of the Internet.

 
 

PS That chick in the last tweet is really good at Twitter:

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(via Uproxx)