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This Charming Bro Is Like The Picasso Of The Text Pickup Game

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Jul 2311:30AM EST

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Live look at the neighborhood of the woman who received these texts as a wrong number:

 

Something about this guy’s texts just worked for me. Maybe it’s that, deep down, I’m a hopeless romantic. Maybe it’s that I’m a sucker for a man whose opener includes a shirtless photo in his boxer briefs wielding a hairline like an ill-fitting beanie. Or maybe it’s that I’m intrigued by his undoubtedly highly-scientific theories about peanut butter and yogurt and their correlation to a superior female body. Hard to say. All I know is that I’m in on this guy and his 9.2 inch penis and I’m ready to subscribe to any and all media that contain his brand of pickup artistry.

 

 

After three reads, I figured out that “n deedy thick ass thighs” meant “Indeed ma’am, you have some thick thighs” back here on Planet Way-Less-Pussy, but I’m still genuinely perplexed by the “bag of hot chips with string cheese n a BBQ for ever good rub on top” reference. Google tells me a 302 area code is Delaware area code…is it a Delaware thing? Is there a food delicacy that involves melting string cheese onto hot chips and adding BBQ pulled pork to it, like some sort of white trash nacho? Not sure how it reflects on me that this was my biggest question leaving the texts but I’d really like some answers here.

 

(via Imgur)

Bro Gives Up Sex And Masturbating For 100 Days Because It Was Controlling His Life Too Much

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Jul 2310:45AM EST

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(Vice)

AN INTERVIEW WITH A GUY WHO DIDN’T MASTURBATE OR HAVE SEX FOR 100 DAYS – Jul 22 2014

On April 5, 2014, Rory Patrick announced to his Twitter followers that he was going to stop masturbating for 100 days. Soon, a hashtag was started: #Rory100…

Rory was unaware of the Nofap community when he started this. He took this mission on for himself, and rather than engage with the Fapstronauts, he tweeted frequently about his progress to his followers. On July 13, this masochistic endeavor finally came to an end. I could finally talk to him about it, and find out whether the benefits of not masturbating are real, without having to try for myself.

VICE: So obviously I have to know why. Why did you do this to yourself, and why 100 days? One-hundred days dude. Why? WHY?

Rory Patrick: I’d just noticed how jerking off had altered the trajectory of my day-to-day life. For instance, sometimes I’d planned to go to the gym or go on a run, and then I’d say to myself, “Okay, you’re going to run, so let’s have a nice moment to yourself before that.” After masturbating, though, I’d find myself curled up in my bed watching television with a bag of chips instead of actually running. Cumming was also my primary coping strategy for stress or pain and that just didn’t seem healthy at all. So, when a friend of mine was talking about a group of people that were going without for 90 days, I just competitively reacted, saying that I could do 100 days. I just hoped that the challenge would give me the impetus to be cum-free for a while.

So you made the decision and then charted your 100 days with a hashtag on Twitter. What has support been like?

It has been heartwarming. The Twitter community can be so overwhelmingly positive and supportive. My friend Josh and I started taking pictures of ourselves doing that salute from The Hunger Games and people caught on and would take pictures of themselves doing the salute with the hashtag. It let me know people were thinking about me and kept me honest, because it seemed like people were having fun with it. I didn’t want to ruin it one night because I was stressed about work and needed to rub one out. You had some people that asked every week if I’d cum yet and some others that would intermittently send me nudes to try and tempt me into succumbing to cumming, but generally people were just behind me and hoping I lasted the 100 days.

 

 

No masturbating for 100 days for 13.8K Twitter followers…just doesn’t seem worth it to me.  Because make no mistake about it this was a big time social media power play.  Got to do something outrageous these days to get those follows up, and swearing off cumming for 100 days with it’s very own hashtag is right up there on how it’s done.  I mean if jerking off is such a real, legitimate problem for you that you can’t go to the gym or eat or sleep or function in general, you don’t need a 100 day hiatus highlighted by tweets.  You need some big time psychotherapy.  But if getting some more action on your Twitter timeline is your goal then it’s a little more acceptable.

I’d say you’d have to get up to at least 100K and some Z-list internet celebrity gig to justify it though, but I don’t know, maybe when you don’t work on a blog constantly patrolling the internet for hot girls 10 hours a day it’s a little easier to refrain.

 

 

PS – Would love to know what video Rory went with on night 101.  That’s something you’ve got to be thinking about and planning NONSTOP for 3+ months.

Can’t Get A More Casual Blowjob At The Bus Stop Than This

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Jul 2310:00AM EST

 

(via)

 

 

I don’t like to use the word casual because we throw it around too much but let’s be honest.  There’s really no better word to describe this bus stop blowjob.  Could search Dictionary and Thesaurus.com for hours and wouldn’t be able to sum it up any better. Dude just chillin top rung on a bench waiting for his bus to come, making some phone calls, shooting some texts, getting his dick sucked.  Excuse me, getting some “sloppy top.”  Casual.   With a capital C.

 

 

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PS – Come on dude, put the cell away…your girl is already blowing your dick at a bus stop in her nice red dress, no need to degrade her further by putting filters on Instagrams and shit instead of paying her a little attention.  At least help her keep her hair up.

Kevin Durant Gets Brunch With Justin Bieber…Are We Seeing A Heel Turn Before Our Very Eyes?

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Jul 239:30AM EST

 

 

Umm what’s up with Durant now?  Always been the nicest, quietest, most polite guy in the NBA.  A true fan favorite.  An incredibly humble guy who kept his nose to the grindstone.  The guy who delivered the “You the real MVP” speech to his mom.  Universally likable.  Now?  Now we’re seeing a few warning signs.

 

First it was the obnoxious comment about being richer and more famous than everyone.

 

 

 

Now brunch with Bieber.

 

 

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From bad to worse.   What’s next?

Seriously what’s next, that’s a legit question, I honestly don’t know what’s worse than brunch with Bieber.  I think that’s the apex.  Shoveling eggs benedict down your throat listening to the Biebs talk about himself then mean mugging for his Instagram.   Horrible look. That fuckboy definitely ordered fruit and yogurt with granola too.

 

Probably fucking Westbrook’s fault somehow.   10 bucks say he set this reservation up.

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Kristen from Ohio U.

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Jul 239:00AM EST

 

Introducing Kristen from Ohio.   Bobcats in the house.

Abigail Ratchford Cockily Shitting On Instagram Haters Makes Me Love Her Even More

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Jul 227:26PM EST

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There have been a fair amount of Abigail Ratchford blogs on here before and with good reason. Chick’s got an insanely beautiful face and wielding the type of cannons that’d bring a tear to Napoleon Bonaparte’s eyes. And obviously both those traits are incredibly noteworthy. But on an Internet full of insanely attractive women and even more warthogs who can trick a man’s eye like a gypsy in a Stephen King book, that alone isn’t enough to stand out.

 

That’s why I love the absolute cockiness of Abigail Ratchford posting a four-panel photo of herself without makeup on along with a full NBA summer league depth chart of crying emojis to remind the haters what’s up. Oh what’s that, other chicks? You’re naturally beautiful, too? Here’s one panel with me in bed with tits out for the boys, just to remind you I’ve got those as backup. Shot across the bow to all the other naturally pretty women out there who can’t leisurely slinging boulders big enough to chase Indiana Jones into a jungle full of natives.

 

 

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There’s an even brighter side: Abigail is dating some kid named Jamie Iovine. Not some chiseled adonis or even an incredibly brilliant businessman, just a random bro like any of us, possibly even dorkier because he loves pro wrestling and posts videos of himself in Ultimate Warrior facepaint and even hung a WWE Championship belt above the couple’s TV. Only difference is he gets to post photos like this:

 

 

Oh and his dad is multimillionaire producer and mogul Jimmy Iovine, one of the co-founders of Beats which was just acquired by Apple for $3 billion and that connection gets them backstage at Avicii concerts and trips to an insane Malibu beach house and probably playing Yahtee with Snoop Dogg and god knows what else. But THAT is the only difference between you and him. Just find an old white dude named Mr. Drummond to adopt you and it’s a dead heat.

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Shahana from Cal Poly

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Jul 225:45PM EST

 

 

Introducing Shahana from Cal Poly.  Was going to save this for Friday but thought people might need a Tuesday pick me up.  Think we may have a top 10 all-timer right here.

Jeremih + Shlohmo – No More (Free EP)

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fjeremih-shlohmo-no-more-free-ep%2F
Jul 225:00PM EST

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Jeremih & Shlohmo dropped off their new EP “No More” and it’s just about the hottest thing I’ve ever heard. Stream a couple tracks from the project below get ready for the some of the eeriest and sexiest R&B imaginable.

Listen to the full EP here



Listen to the full EP here

Penn State Kappa Alpha Theta Bringing The Happy Valley Thunder

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Jul 224:25PM EST

 

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PSU Kappa Alpha Theta

 

 

 

 

Want to see your sorority repped on the Stool?  Send Tumblrs and Instagrams to tips@barstoolu.com and we’ll feature it some point during the week. 

 

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Chicks Confess Their Wildest Bachelorette Party Stories

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Jul 223:45PM EST

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Wait what the fuck?  I was told this would be wildest confessions.   Not sure how this loser snuck in here.  Hey honey, go fuck your friends or go home ok, you’re ruining the vibe.

 

Let’s get to some good ones…

 

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A drunken hook up is understandable, expected even.  But sober morning fingering?   That’s next level lezzy shit.

 

 

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You say it like it’s a bad thing. Sorry for partying?

 

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Umm ok bitch?

 

 

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Do it anyway.  You won’t.

 

 

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Question for you two above…was this male stripper wearing a gigantic stuffed bear head?  If so do you know the date it will be uploaded to Youjizz?  Asking for myself.

 

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And there you have it for this week in chicks being sluts.  Want to check out more or leave your own, head to the Whisper app and get to posting.