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Barstool College Football Roundup: Week 1
Sep 29:30AM EST

It’s good to be back!   Week 1 is in the book and that can only mean one thing, everybody’s favorite college football blog on the entire internet has returned.   Going to make it a little more organized and formatted this year, let’s jump right into it with no regard for human life like a bunch of Baylor students.





The Top 10…

1) Florida State

Number one team in the country looked a little rough around the edges coming out of the gates.  Luckily Jameis was around to do Jameis things and get it under control.  Almost forgot how good he is.



Don’t sleep on that OK State QB though.  Dude was pretty electric.  Well, except for this crushing, game losing fumble.



PS – Red Lightning mixing it up in the middle of a brawl, would you expect anything less?




2) Alabama


Another top team, another struggle to kick off the season.   In a nutshell:




Hard to put on the blame on them though, with the plays they had to go up against:


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Bear Bryant himself would find it kind of tough to coach against a team with a mustachioed blogger going tits out for the boys.


Don’t tell Clint Trickett they lost though.  After throwing a 1 yard pass to the flat on 4th and 11 to close out the game, all he could think about was trying to smash out Kristen Saban…again.



3) Oregon


Didn’t watch, this shit is on too late for me, but it looks like nothing but Golf and Yoga kept Mariota’s head on straight and focused on nothing but the Heisman.


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4) Oklahoma

Easy win, easy action in the stands.  Great start.


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5) Ohio State


Unimpressive and flat and, no matter what the final scoreboard says, squeaking by Navy.  Life post- Braxton might be a lot tougher than everyone thought.


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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Mel from Kent State
Sep 29:00AM EST

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Introducing Mel from Kent State.  Golden Flash bringing you back from the holiday weekend in a big big way.


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Chick Just Having A Ball Getting Off Courtesy Of A Slingshot Ride At An Amusement Park
Sep 111:17AM EST



The prime season for amusement parks is almost over but I’m betting this girl hopes it never ends. Why spend money on a pocket rocket when you can just go to Six Flags, pound some funnel cake, then drop slug trails all over the rides while your friend seems completely non-plussed towards you seemingly having the greatest orgasm in the history of orgasms? People below probably needed the log flume’s splash guard to keep from getting doused, it’s like front row at an old Gallagher show down there.


Bet that chick who married a ferris wheel feels like a real dick now. That’s the price you pay for settling down with the first 4-ticket amusement park ride with smooth talk and lubed up chassis you see.



(via Blame It On The Voices)

New Mexico State Chick Gets Bundled By A Horse During Pregame
Sep 110:31AM EST


LAS CRUCES >> Just moments before kickoff, Zaina Atyani, a student who works for NMSU’s athletics marketing department, was helping coordinate pregame activities on the new artificial turf at Aggie Memorial Stadium. What has become a tradition at all Aggie home football games is Keystone, a horse that circles the playing field with Pistol Pete atop.





Monday Morning Metaphor for a whollleeeee lot of celebrities right now.  Think you’re having a nice relaxing enjoyable long weekend, next thing you know, boom, your tits and asshole get hacked out of your iCloud and flood the internet/you get bundled to hell by Pistole Pete on Keystone the Horse.





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h/t Kevin F.

Rihanna Smoking A Blunt In A Bikini Showing Why She Should Be Every Girl’s Bae Instead Of Beyonce
Aug 3112:00PM EST



Women everywhere go breathless when Beyonce dances, posts a photo, or takes a shit. But she’s all flash, no substance, and can’t even keep a marriage together. Meanwhile Rihanna’s out there just loving life, bikini tits out for the boys, smoking blunts and not taking it all that seriously. Just zero fucks given. Sure she may go back to a guy who Mr. Miyagi’d her into submission from time to time but that’s life. The beauty is in the imperfection. She’s living every moment like they were intended, not some phony version designed to make everything look clean and perfect. Give me the real chick who’ll smoke me under the table any day.


Plus let’s be honest, you’re taking Rihanna in bed over Beyonce 730 times out of ten. I’m not treading new ground here but Rihanna just gives off the most aggressive dick wrecker vibes of anyone in music while Beyonce probably refers to herself in the third person and says things like “Mmrrrm you love being inside Beyonce don’t you baby.” With Rihanna you’d be pissing off to the right for a month like your stream was kicked by Scott Norwood but it’d absolutely be worth it.



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Eastern Michigan Just Reinvented The Entrance Game With The Cinder Block Wall Sledgehammer Routine
Aug 3111:15AM EST





Remember when the Patriots all came out of the tunnel together during the Super Bowl and everyone lost their shit and thought it was the best thing ever?  Well welcome to the next stage of football entrance evolution.  The “erect a gigantic stone wall and have a couple guys come out with a sledgehammer to knock it down.”  And no, that’s no prop out there.  Those are real heavy stones that I’m pretty sure just caused at least 4 injuries and significant fatigue for 3 of your players before they had to go straight into a game.  Making your guys go through legitimate manual labor before a big game, not the best idea maybe, worth it for the theatrics though.



Crack up every time I watch #77 get so pissed off and just start kicking and punching the thing.  Hey athletic department, I’m a fat guy stuffed into this tiny ass spandex uniform, I’m sweating my balls off, I just want to get on the field and crush some skulls.  Please at least remove some of the base of the damn cinder block wall next time to make it a little easier?



The Auburn Ballboy Is Literally The Fastest Human Being Alive
Aug 3110:40AM EST

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Hey Red Lightning.  Sup bitch?   -Auburn Ballboy.   Seriously by my unofficial guesstimate that was a 2.4 40 down the sideline.  Pretty much even speed with Melvin Ray, you know, the D1 wide receiver for the #6 team in the country.  Not telling Malzahn how to coach or anything but like, that first half was a little shaky, might not be a bad idea to swap this bro’s khakis and tucked-in polo for some shoulders pads and a helmet and give it to him on a reverse?









PS – Hey Red, just busting your balls bro.  I see you breaking up brawls over there, I see you.



Nebraska Bro Catches The Ball With His Ass
Aug 306:32PM EST


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Jordan Westerkamp with the catch of the year.  Sure it’s week 1 but whatever.  Better than never having a catch of the year.




PS – Knew the name sounded familiar.






Dude just lives to make big plays.  Game winners on hail marys, snagging some out patterns with his asshole.  Same shit different season.


UCF Skydiver Parachutes In To Present The Game Ball…Completely Misses The Stadium
Aug 305:05PM EST

Penn State dude just casually cruising to the 50 yard line…





And here comes UCF…






Womp wommmpp.


Such a bummer to kickoff the first college football Saturday.  Everybody’s all hyped up, got a solid buzz on after hitting every pub in Ireland, ready to go nuts for some killer opening pagaentry.  Annddd you fly straight into the side of the stadium.


At least things turned out OK for UCF in the end.








College Football Coaches Read Mean Tweets
Aug 304:45PM EST



Yes Todd.  Yes it is.



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Like that’s not even a joke tweet, Brady Hoke literally cooks 35 hot dogs a day, bottles the excess water and spritzes it on pre-game for cologne.



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It’s called a secret weapon, App State knows what I’m talking about.




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