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50-Year-Old Guy Got Twitter Famous Because He Said One Direction Didn’t Suck And Then He Tried To Sell Their Fans Lamps

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2F50-year-old-guy-got-twitter-famous-because-he-said-one-direction-didnt-suck-and-then-he-tried-to-sell-their-fans-lamps%2F
Nov 244:57PM EST

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I’ve been working in various things online for my entire adult life and the Internet just seems to get more and more bizarre by the minute. Maybe I’m getting old but I don’t even get how any of this happens or makes sense. One minute some dad from Long Island is watching TV and tweeting about One Direction, the next minute he’s being talked about by hundreds of thousands of underage girls who want to blow the dudes from a boy band and trying to sell them lamps. And not only that but they’re actually being nice to him as if his lamps are cool and One Direction-approved by proxy:

 

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Like what the fuck kind of rabbit hole are we going down here? Is this awesome? Is this just weird as fuck? The Internet started as a way to connect computers to send relevant data for research laboratories and schools and now this is what it’s all about. I’m just honestly and genuinely baffled and have no clue what to make of it. I guess keep doing your thing Jerry Riekert because your boy band-based lamp sales strategy is clearly working better than anything I’ve ever tweeted out.

 

 

Real talk I’m sure Jerry’s a great dude who genuinely has no clue why this happened but would you be even remotely surprised if he got busted with some hard drives full of illicit material in a safe somewhere after this? Probably thought the label “New Lamps In Development” would throw them off the tracks. Victim of his own lamp success.

The Neighbourhood – #icanteven (ft. French Montana)

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fthe-neighbourhood-icanteven-ft-french-montana%2F
Nov 244:20PM EST

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I normally have a policy against hashtag songs but The Neighbourhood and French have this Weeknd Drake thing going on their new track “#icanteven” and it’s a scorcher.

The Best Of The Viceroys

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fthe-best-of-the-viceroys%2F
Nov 243:50PM EST

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Also If you want to contribute as a Barstool viceroy email Paul@barstoolsports.com. We are looking for people at every school

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

50 Cent’s Son Is A Senior Point Guard With A Hoops Mixtape

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2F50-cents-son-is-a-senior-point-guard-with-a-hoops-mixtape%2F
Nov 243:20PM EST

 

50 Cent’s Son Marquise Jackson is a 5’9 senior point guard at St John’s Military Academy. This weekend Marquise showed that he could knock down threes and run a team. The son of the famous rapper scored 20 points against number 1 ranked prep school in the country Brewster Academy and shot 75% from the field. Last season he averaged 19.1 points per game, 4 rebounds, and 4 assists on his way to 1st Team All Region at King’s Ridge Christian Academy in Alpharetta, Georgia.

 

 

 

50 Cent has a senior in high school son?  Jesus I’m old.  Does he date Hailie?

 

 

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Seems like just yesterday I was bumping Many Men and Poor Lil Rich on my Walkman via the hot young new rapper on the block, now the guy has a son on his way to college.

 

 

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Anyway I got good news and bad news for lil’ 50.  Bad news is that mixtape didn’t impress me much and judging from some brief research you’re not really blazing up the D1 recruiting charts.

Good news is your highlight reel could be 3 minutes of you sitting on the bench pouring water bottles and you’d still be a 5000X better athlete than your old man.

 

 

FiftyCentFirstPitchFail

 

 

 

 

 

via Lost Letterman

Vandy Point Guard Zoom Fuller Writes Tell-All Book About The Life of an SEC Athlete…Like the Time He Stuffed His Booty Call In A Suitcase Under His Bed To Have Sex With His Girlfriend On Top Of It

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Nov 242:50PM EST

 

Kickstarter - Vandy Point Guard shares action-packed short stories about the raunchy escapades, rampant perks, and hidden stress of top NCAA athletes

Update #2 – Nov 18 2014 – You guys are AMAZING! This is Incredible. With your help, Below The Rim has raised nearly $7,000 with 55 backers ON THE FIRST DAY! Now let’s keep the momentum going.

 

 

Not gonna lie, I was a little lukewarm on this whole book idea when I first saw the link.  I mean a “tell-all” book about life as an SEC athlete?  Obviously going to be full of exaggerated and straight up fabricated stories just to try and sell as many copies as possible.  A guy that not a lot of people have heard of trying to cash in on something after his hoops career didn’t really pan out.  Not to mention the big teaser graphic for it didn’t exactly hook me.

 

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College women try very hard to sleep with athletes? A lot of college athletes come from gang neighborhoods? They’re paid money under the table to sign with certain schools? They’re offered drugs? They take advantage of their status in their classes?   Yeah no shit.  Don’t need to donate to a Kickstarter to read about that.

 

…But then I hit the Baggage Claim story and was slightly intrigued.

 

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Ok, had to read about this one.  Consider my interest piqued.  Caught up on the Baggage Claim excerpt and it’s a great read:

 

 

Kyle “Zoom” Fuller has just been caught cheating by his crazy girlfriend Hailey with a cute Vandy soccer player named Lauren who slips her number into Kyle’s hand after the Texas A&M game during the postgame handshake with the fans. They make arrangements to hang out in Kyle’s room later that night. Kyle throws his girlfriend off his trail by telling her he has to be in Kentucky for a radio interview. Lauren comes over and before long, she starts to blow him. The plan worked—- or so he thought.

“KYLE I HEAR YOU IN THERE. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?”

[Excerpt exclusive via BroBible]

This is karma. I’m getting punished for cheating on her. This was a bad idea. I desperately search the room to find somewhere big enough to safely hide a 19-year-old girl. I wish I could whisper some magic words and just fucking Harry Potter this chick into thin air. So I do the next best thing and throw her out the window…just kidding. I need a place to hide her and fast. I look everywhere but there’s nothing. I look under the desk. Too small. I look in the closet. 
Too obvious. I even look in the clothing drawers because I’m that freaked out. I look under the bed and I see a row of suitcases. An idea hits me.

“Get in the middle suitcase now.”

“You want me to get in that tiny suitcase?”

“Hailey’s crazy, you wanna keep your face?”

She whimpers and climbs into the middle suitcase, the biggest of the three. I tell her to put her phone on silent and that I’ll text her instructions. I put a blanket from my closet over the suitcases so they’re covered. I say a quick prayer and hope for a miracle. I slowly open the door.

Hailey marches right past me and immediately starts tearing my room apart. She swings open my closet door throwing my shirts off their hangers and out of the closet. She clearly sees that there is no girl hiding in my closet. She gets angrier, running around the room, looking in every possible hiding area. Hailey looks under the desk. Nothing. She opens up the drawers — as if I could have shrunk a girl and put her inside my dresser. Then she stops and looks directly under the bed. She eyes the blanket suspiciously and tosses it off of the suitcase. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. She stares at the middle suitcase and then turns to me, her voice a little softer,

“Where is she Kyle?”

If I play this right I might just get away with it. It’s time for a power move.

“Goddammit, there is no fucking girl here Hailey!”

“But–”

“But what?! You are fucking crazy! Looking through my drawers, my closet, under my bed! What is wrong with you?!”

“I just–”

“This is just too much.”

“What?? Kyle, no!”

I can see Hailey’s eyes starting to water up. Tears run down her cheeks. “This isn’t my fault!”

In a split second, she breaks out into full-on sobbing. The snot drips down the sides of her mouth and onto the floor.

Now look, I don’t enjoy making girls cry, but fellas when your girl keeps a gun in her purse and is within a few feet of finding a girl in the suitcase under your bed;

YOU GOT TO GO H.A.M!

“Girl are you kidding me?!

“You lied to me. You told me you were in Kentucky.”

“No shit I lied! You are too clingy Hailey. I never have time alone. I never have time to think about anything but you and your needs. Fuck that.”

“Bu bu but”

Hailey’s is breathing hard and choking a bit. It takes her a minute to get her words out.

“But but but baby why couldn’t you just tell me that.”

“Seriously? Are you for real? You are the most jealous, paranoid person I know. I tell you I am in Kentucky for interviews and you drive 45 minutes just to check if I am lying. This is the craziest shit you’ve ever done.”

“Baby I’m sorry, I’ve been so stressed lately.”

“Hailey this ain’t even the first time. Remember that time you harassed me about the random autistic chick that congratulated me on twitter after a game?”

“I know but Kyle please. I love you so so much. I shouldn’t have accused you of cheating. Please, don’t break up with me. I love you.”

I look her dead in the eye. I don’t say anything. Then I turn and stare out the window. Sometimes, silence is worse than an answer.

“Please, Kyle.”

“Hailey I’m not breaking up with you right now but this type of shit is really making me reconsider this relationship.”

She sniffles a few more times, wipes her face and sneezes into a tissue.

“I’m gonna make this up to you. I know how to take care of you.”

Before I can say anything, Hailey grabs my junk through my shorts. Damn, I am in no mood but pushing her away would be suspicious as hell. I have never turned down sex with Hailey.

We make out for a bit but I guess she notices it ain’t doing shit for me. The truth is my dick has stage fright. If something goes wrong, I’m gonna get caught. Lauren’s gonna get hurt. And my reputation will be fucked.

And on top of that, I haven’t peed all day and it is taking everything I have to keep myself from doing the pee pee dance like a first grader. There is no fucking way I am gonna go to the bathroom and leave Hailey alone with a girl under my bed. No shit I can’t get hard, I’m anxious as hell.

Suddenly, though just for a moment, my leg quivers, maybe because I’m worried about the girl under my bed or maybe because I’m worried that I might accidentally start peeing on the ground. Shit I’m worried Hailey is gonna grab my balls the wrong way and I’m gonna accidentally pee on her leg. Either way, she notices, “Why are you so tense?”

Hailey takes a step back without breaking eye contact. She takes off her shoes and quickly unzips her dress and unhooks her black lace bra. While still maintaining eye contact, she bends over slightly to pull down her lace panties. Everything drops to the ground.

And now, right there in front of me, is a tan, tightly toned swimsuit body.

Okay, now, I’m good to go.

She walks over and smiles as she undresses me completely before pushing me onto the bed.

Hailey climbs on top of me and starts riding like the relationship depends on it. I need to hurry this up so that I can get Hailey the fuck out of my room. She works up a nice rhythm, rolling her hips back and forth like a pro. I try to relax but I’m going soft and Hailey knows it.

“KYLE! I thought you loved this position?!”

I am trapped in a prison of my own bladder; I can’t cum until I pee and I can’t pee until I cum. It gets so bad that for a second I consider convincing Hailey that I am into this weird pee fetish and that a golden shower is the only way to save our relationship…but I can’t have word getting out that Zoom Fuller likes to pee on chicks. Not trying to be the R. Kelly of the NCAA.

I might have been able to play through it if Hailey wasn’t trying so damn hard to be sexy. “I’m gonna make you so happy Kyle, so happy!”

I keep at it but this is literally doing nothing for me. Who would have thought that crunch time free throws would be easier than having sex with your girlfriend?

I guess Hailey notices I’m not putting it down like I usually do.

“Kyle, are you ok?”

“I’m fine Hailey.”

“Are you sure?”

“YES”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No Hailey.”

“If this is about earlier I’m really sorry.”

“Hailey, STOPP!”

I push everything out of my head and start to think about Lauren earlier. Damn she was killing it in that baby-blue lace thong. I begin to think about all the things she could be doing to me right now. After another five minutes I finally cum. Hailey immediately collapses onto the bed.

“Babe that was exhausting, I’m ready to pass out.”

“NO!”

She looks at me funny.

“What do you mean no?”

I couldn’t take the risk of trying to sneak Lauren out while Hailey is still in the room.

“I mean ‘No you can’t pass out. I want some Cheetos!’”

“Come to Munchie Mart with me to get them.”

“Cheetos? Kyle, I’m so tired, just go get them yourself.”

Luckily I have a trump card she can’t beat.

“Really Hailey?”

“After the bullshit you pulled tonight, you can’t come with me to get some fucking Cheetos?”

“Ughhhhhhhhhh fine, let me throw on my clothes.”

We get dressed and walk out my door. The second we get in the elevator I text my boy Eric.

“HAILEY’S OUT OF THE ROOM. OPEN THE BIG MIDDLE SUITCASE UNDER MY BED. GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!”

I’m in the clear.

Hailey and I dated for another month before breaking up. We had already been growing apart and I was never really able to get the events of that night out of my head.

Anyway, I bet you’re probably wondering, “well what happened to the girl in the suitcase? How’d she feel about all of this?” Well… If this story teaches us anything it’s that people do crazy things for love…

 

 

 

And if this was a “TL;DR” for you, at least take this nugget of advice with you.  “Fellas when your girl keeps a gun in her purse and is within a few feet of finding a girl in the suitcase under your bed;  YOU GOT TO GO H.A.M!”

Seriously it could save your life someday.

Smokesmash Matchup from Hell – Leah from Arkansas vs. Jenna from Colorado State

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Nov 242:10PM EST

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Leah from Arkansas

 

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Jenna from Colorado State

 

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1 for Leah…5 for Jenna

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (361 votes, average: 2.49 out of 5)
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Johnny Football’s Girlfriend Wanted The Browns To Put Her Bae In So Bad

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fjohnny-footballs-girlfriend-wanted-the-browns-to-put-her-bae-in-so-bad%2F
Nov 241:30PM EST

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This fucking guy Hoyer.  I got to say, I don’t think I’ve earned more respect for anyone in the NFL this season than Brian Hoyer.  Throwing for 0 touchdown games, constantly missing open receivers, underthrowing and overthrowing and throwing into the defense’s hands all over the place, yet finding ways to come out with the win.  Every time he gets plastered and driven into the turf he hops right back up and takes the next snap because he knows his career is over the second he takes himself out of the game.   Probably been playing every game with an entire broken rib cage and 3 concussions on top of each other.  And still has the Cleveland Browns at 7-4 right in the thick of the AFC North.  The Cleveland Browns!  Impressive.  I may love Johnny Football but I respect the hell out of Brian Hoyer.  Bae just has to wait for now.

 

 

 

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Kanye West x Sam Smith – Tell Me I’m The Only One

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Nov 2412:50PM EST

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Still waiting for that Kanye Sam Smith IRL collab but this “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” x “I Am Not The Only One” mashup should work for now.

Click for more Mashups in today’s Mashup Mondays

 

 

Fat Lady’s Response To Question Asking If She’s Healthy Is Everything Wrong With “Fat Acceptance”

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Ffat-lady-responding-to-question-asking-if-shes-healthy-is-everything-wrong-with-fat-acceptance%2F
Nov 2412:00PM EST

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Fat acceptance is one of those very 2014 things that’s loosely tied to the idea of treating everyone with respect but, in reality, is just a way for some people to justify being lazy slobs. Which is fine if that’s what you want to do and you’re not hurting anyone, we don’t all need to grab our stomach rolls and curse God’s name when reality sets in after getting high and spending hours searching for a 6-foot party sub to eat by ourselves. But the way she talked around this fitness dude’s question and somehow made it into a case of people being too focused on “health” and “not being a drain on society” is the kind of delusion that just ruins the whole thing. Look at this poor jacked dude’s face after listening to her when he started with perfectly fine intentions of respecting her instead of viewing her as a pile of gelatinous regret:

 

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Bottom line for us as a society should be that if you have to make up a phrase to justify why people shouldn’t be annoyed by your existence, you shouldn’t be allowed to publicly whine about it. Also if your neck and your mouth are battling it out for real estate on your body like an aggressive game of Risk, you should have to spend an hour a week walking on a treadmill. Basic rules of human decency to keep the world functioning.

 

 

The full video’s here if you want to waste 50 minutes of this holiday week contemplating terrorist acts against your local Weight Watchers. The biggest mistake on the show was that they could have used a more appropriate title card when they introduced her:

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(via Reddit)

The Mississippi State Bench Had More Fun Than You Did on Saturday

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Nov 2411:30AM EST

 

 

 

I know I told everyone in an earlier blog that I hope you had the best weekend but that was before I saw the Mississippi State bench celebration Vines.

 

 

Unless of course it turns out this one guy was actually in fact having a massive seizure, in which case his weekend stock would take a dip.

 

 

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Almost positive a demon was just exorcized from this bro mid-game.  Relax guy, it’s Vandy.