“I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.” -Scott Sitz
PS – Guy is a Stoolie right? Def a huge stoolie. You don’t look like a spitting image of Kenny Powers for a college baseball team and not fuck with the Stool.
Feast your eyes on the best friend ever
UK — A teenager was arrested by police and hauled before magistrates after giving away a friend’s virtual savings on a fantasy internet game. Keiron Belmont, 19, logged into a friend’s profile on the popular online game RuneScape and gave away her stash of virtual money following an argument. Gamer Helen Jenkins – who had spent six years saving up ‘credits’ in the medieval role-playing world – then decided to called in police. And despite the money having no value in the real world, Belmont was charged and hauled before the courts.
Prosecutor Anwen Evans told Swansea Magistrates Court: ‘He accessed her computer and logged on to the role playing fantasy game RuneScape. ‘He traded away all the credits built-up over the past six years.’ Belmont, of Swansea, admitted an offence under the Computer Misuse Act 1990 of gaining unauthorised access to a computer and making unauthorised modifications to computer material. He was given an eight-month [probation] and was ordered to pay £16 compensation by Swansea magistrates.
People still play Runescape? That game’s been around for like 10 years right? It was some super shitty, free role playing game that had worse graphics than the original GameBoy. I remember because I played it for like a day when I was 13. Pretty sure the last time I played Runescape was when I was waiting for some 6 minute porn clip to download from KaZaA. There was some ad for a game in a popup so I clicked it and downloaded it.
I know what you’re thinking. Clicking shit in KaZaA is 1000% virus city. Well normally you’d be right, but this time you’re WRONG. It was just 100 pixels of extremely boring nerdiness. My character, a dashing young knight by the name of HalfBaked210, didn’t even make it past level 7 before my Jenna Jameson locker room scene finished downloading. So guess what bro? Your friend did you a favor giving away all your internet gold. Go try to put your penis on, in, or around women like a normal 19 year old buddy. Your shackles are broken. Fly free.
Chron - The Astros released a statement late Wednesday addressing a Ch. 2 report about a Minute Maid Park food vendor bringing snowcones into a stadium restroom.
Statement from Astros President of Business Operations Reid Ryan
“The Astros were notified immediately by our partner ARAMARK of the incident involving a vendor on Monday night. We commend the swift reaction displayed by ARAMARK of terminating the employee immediately upon learning of the incident that evening. This isolated incident was a clear violation of our food safety practices and is not reflective of our standards.
“The Astros share ARAMARK’s view on the importance of food safety and will work with them to ensure that our fans have a safe and outstanding experience at Minute Maid Park. We also commend the fan for his vigilance in pointing out the inappropriate actions of the vendor. The Astros personally thanked him and advised him of the swift action taken in regard to the employee.”
This is one of those things that, I can see the other side of the argument, but personally I just don’t give a shit about, (no pun intended.) Two distinct camps. Are you a freak about poop germs or not? Like the contingency of people who refuse to take their laptop or iPad into the bathroom with them when in my opinion that situation is what they were invented for in the first place. Always worried about germs and e.coli etc. getting all over them. I mean if you’re going to freak out about poop particles flying onto your devices how do you stop there? What about your clothes? Your skin? How do you not burn your entire outfit and take a shower and change every time you take a shit at the office? Bottom line is you can’t be anal about everything. Just got to go with the flow sometimes and that includes turning a blind eye to the possibility of a stray dingleberry in your cherry Snocone when a man’s livelihood is at stake.
You’re selling coffee, bran muffins, you’re SURROUNDED by Snocones. It’s entrapment.
Introducing Alyssa from MSU-Denver. Don’t know what that is but apparently they have hard 10 smokes there?
Introducing Morgan from Farleigh Dickinson. Our Northeast smokes day ends with an absolute Jersey knockout. 10! 10!
Need to load up on smokes! Any school, anywhere in the country. Names and FB links to tips@barstoolu.com
About an hour ago Travi$ Scott dropped off his highly-anticipated Owl Pharaoh EP featuring appearances from Meek Mill, Toro Y Moi, A$AP WhoeverTheFuck, Wale, Theo London, and more.
HuffPo – Ah, the college life: Academia, sportsmanship, and taking too many mushrooms, stripping naked and fighting off emergency responders. Excelsior! That’s what happened to 21-year-old University of Colorado Boulder undergrad Taylor Powers on Sunday afternoon when she went hiking with her roommates in Chautauqua Park in Boulder, Colorado. Boulder County Sheriff’s Office deputies and other emergency responders — 35 in all, including personnel from the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office, Boulder Open Space and Mountain Parks, Boulder Fire Rescue, the Rocky Mountain Rescue Group and American Medical Response — arrived at Chautauqua Park after receiving a 911 call that a hiker was “high on mushrooms and in distress,” The Smoking Gun reports.
Powers, high on mushrooms, had taken off all of her clothes and was being restrained by her two 21-year-old roommates who are also CU-Boulder students, Brian Mulligan and William Collins, while hiking near the Second and Third Flatirons, according to The Boulder Daily Camera. It took rescuers about an hour to successfully restrain Powers in handcuffs, but once they finally did she was taken to Boulder Community Hospital where she was treated and released, KDVR reports.
Hey kmarko, why don’t you ever do shrooms you big vagina, seriously do you even do drugs you pussy? Well here’s your answer. Right here. Taylor Powers the butt naked smokeshow sitting on top of a mountain needing 35 cops to restrain and arrest her. Just doesn’t sound like my kind of thing.
So after four years, three university probations, thousands of beers and less girls than the movies promised me, I can now proudly disgrace the Boston College name by calling myself a graduate. And after going through what might have been the worst day of my life on Monday, here’s a few observations from the weekend and tips so people don’t function as poorly as I did when their time comes:
Every Single Parent is an Idiot- I feel like you hit a certain age where you magically transform into a person who can’t eat a piece of pizza without carrying it with a tray first, has to figure out directions by staring at a map while shuffling in the middle of the sidewalk, and thinking 10 AM is a reasonable time for brunch. This reality check invasion is absolutely worth it if as long as you someone invites you to dinner at nice restaurant, except when the parents set the pace of the meal and you can’t get more than two drinks without them judging you. Then it’s only kind of worth it.
If an Asian Person is Graduating Every Person in Their Extended Family Will Be There- I’m not saying other ethnicities don’t invite a lot of people too. I’m sure if I had graduated with honors or a real job then my parents would have invited family members and they wouldn’t have been the only two people that I knew in the stands. But I saw Korean students who were literally from Korea walking around campus, and counting the people they were with was basically playing Roll Call from Mario Party. I almost mistook a Filipino girl for Manny Pacquiao because of the facial hair and giant posse around her. I don’t mention this for any particular reason except that I also noticed every group always had one four foot tall grandmother who didn’t speak a word of English and who absolutely had no idea what was happening. There’s a conspiracy there and someone needs to figure out what.
Celebrate How You Want to Celebrate, Because If You Celebrate How the School Wants You to Celebrate It’s Going to Suck- Senior Week is something every person should have the chance to experience. Since it’s everyone’s last hurrah they want to do everything they can to enjoy it, which in my case involved a $100 per head “Commencement Ball.” I wasn’t going to Glansberg myself so I ended up on a party trolley on a Friday afternoon, and I wish I had never gotten off of because it was the only good thing to happen that day. After 30 minutes of waiting in line to get into the hotel and discovering that I had paid for the privilege of buying $12 drinks while listening a cover band full of old white people, my friends and I figured the only option was to take a cupcake from the dessert tray and throw it at the side of the hotel. The night went great from there, and it’s because we did it how we wanted to do it. You only have a week. Make it count.
Charge Your Phone and Then Buy a Second One and Bring That Too- The hours leading up to graduation are an absolute cluster fuck. Between having to balance figuring out how a graduation hood works, hiding all your illegal things before your parents get to the room and trying not to vomit, you forget to do some things. My thing led me to leaving my dorm at 8:15 AM with 44% battery. My phone quit the exact moment the president of Ireland starting talking about a battle between the French and the Spanish 492 years ago. Unfortunately the internal debate about whether or not a mortarboard could sever an artery ((the conclusion: Probably not) didn’t last even close to long enough to make it through the first quarter of the speech. I’m Irish and at that moment I wished the potatoes could have killed everyone because it would have prevented me from having to experience what I discovered to be my definition of hell. No idea how people did this shit before smartphones.
Drink Before, During, and After- Obviously the before part doesn’t have to be said, but for some reason when I asked other people what they were drinking during the actual ceremony they look at me like I was an alcoholic. Um, Seal Team Six didn’t train for years and tell Obama “No thanks” when it was time to kill Bin Laden. They brought their A-game. The last thing you want to do is abuse your body for an entire night and have the sun beat down on your black robes while you sit on a folding chair for three hours with nothing to dull the pain. Also, the after thing is optional depending on your plans afterwards, but if you’re going to have to stay up for a little bit it’s easier to maintain and deal with the hangover than go through withdrawal while moving boxes out of your room. I totally get Trainspotting now.
Don’t Drink Warm Nips of Jim Bean That Have Been Sitting in Your Pocket for Four Hours- Because that’s how you end up holding back vomit for fifteen minutes to avoid forfeiting the deposit on your gown. In hindsight, iced coffee+anything seems like a better move.
Graduation Will Probably Be the Worst Day of Your Life- If you take anything away from this it’s that everything you’ve ever been told is a lie. Every picture you’ve seen, every story you’ve been told. Lies. Graduation is hell. The highlight of my day was counting how many people with the last name Kim they could call in a row (16). No warned me about the headache, sunburn, shakes, the mild hallucinations due to sleep deprivation and the crying like a little bitch when reality stars to sets in. I know what it’s like to have a period now. So all I’m saying is be prepared. I don’t want other people to have to go through what I went through.
Twin Cities – After losing money during its first season of selling alcohol at stadiums on campus, the University of Minnesota has renegotiated its contract with the vendor to allow the school to turn a profit. The university announced Tuesday that after losing $16,000 during the year Aramark has agreed to pay the school an additional $37,000. That means the school will have turned a $21,000 profit. The Golden Gophers were widely criticized in March when it was reported that the school lost money on alcohol sales despite selling more than $900,000 in beer and wine at TCF Bank Stadium. The school says a new commission structure will help make the venture more profitable going forward. If alcohol sales are similar next season, the Gophers estimate a $110,000 profit.
I didn’t go to business school and I don’t have an MBA and I don’t necessarily know how the “economy” works persay but I do know this. That if your business is selling booze at a college football game and you don’t make +100000000000000000000000% profits you are doing something drastically, drastically wrong and are quite possibly mentally retarded. I mean I don’t even know what shooting fish in a barrel means but the saying should be “like selling anything with alcohol in it to college kids during sporting events” because it’s got to be the easiest thing in the history of for-profit business ideas. So not to overreact or anything but just adding my two cents, whoever is responsible for a $16K LOSS from alcohol sales during Gophers games should be fired and probably executed.
