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These Are Sex Facts About Single Guys That We’ll Allegedly Never Believe

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fthese-are-sex-facts-about-single-guys-that-well-allegedly-never-believe%2F
Aug 2012:00PM EST

 

 

According to the video upload, these are “10 Sex Facts About Single Men That You’ll Never Believe.” Small problem: there’s literally nothing unbelievable about any of them.

 

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Most single guys don’t want to look in a girl’s face if she’s busted to avoid reminding themselves of their own shame and guys would want to lie around and do nothing but enjoy the view if she’s not. This makes complete sense. The guy who loves sex standing up seems EXACTLY like a dude who’d like to fuck standing up, too. Probably also claims to have tantric sex and brags about it all the time too. “Yeah the first time I only lasted for four hours but once we got to six hours straight of pleasuring my partner, I knew I’d unlocked the secret, lol.” Fuck this guy. Rating: 478% Believable

 

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The gay capital of the United States is the place single men have the most sex? Big time shocker there. Women are the superego of the delicate balance that is interpersonal penetration, without them it’s like a game of Jenga that’s gone on for hours, just begging for the downfall of society. There have been more surprising endings to videos on ISIS’s YouTube channel than this. Rating: 1000% Believable

 

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It’s unbelievable that it isn’t 100% until you consider that 17% of men are highly likely to turn into disgusting liars when polled for a Buzzfeed video. The other 1% of men don’t have a high-speed Internet connection so they’re just using animated flip books or, god help us, magazines. Rating: 200% Believable

 

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Tough call here. When you’re single, you probably want to fuck a lot because you’ve got a buffet of options out there, steak for dinner one night, lobster for dinner the next, tacos the following. But when you’re single but in a relationship…all that effort getting it up for the same girl for sometimes years straight. Yeah I could see how that might skew the numbers a bit. Sometimes a guy just wants to browse YouJizz rather than have to go down on his girl with the enthusiasm of a dying gazelle at a stream while hoping he remembered to DVR Brooklyn Nine Nine. Rating: 100% Believable

 

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This is the only one in here I don’t believe. The number should be 100%. No condoms or pulling out for the rest of your life? You kidding me? I take vitamins every day, pretty sure I could take a pill that turns my loads into tapioca pudding for that gift from the sexual health gods. Rating: 46% of Men Are Fucking Suckers

 

 

Boom, think I just stole $500,000 of Buzzfeed’s valuation for Barstool by blogging this.

George W. Bush Does The Ice Bucket Challenge Then Calls Out Bill Clinton

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fgeorge-w-bush-does-the-ice-bucket-challenge-then-calls-out-bill-clinton%2F
Aug 2011:18AM EST

 

 

 

Hey Barry, take notes.  That’s how you President.

 

 

 

PS – Love sassy Laura.

 

 

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Diabolical hair flip.

 

 

 

Also why do I get the feeling Clinton’s Ice Bucket Challenge is going to put Bilzerian to shame?

 

 

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Just a bunch of bikini clad whores dumping ice water on his Presidential head while he throws $100 bills into a funnel that goes straight to the ALS research facility.  At least that’s how I picture it in my head.

Lindsey Duke Went To The Beach And Brought Her Instagram Account To Make Sure You Didn’t Forget About Her

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Flindsey-duke-went-to-the-beach-and-brought-her-instagram-account-to-make-sure-you-didnt-forget-about-her%2F
Aug 2010:40AM EST

 

(her friend brought hers too, thank god)

 

 

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Feel like with all the media firestorm around the Browns QB situation everyone is missing just how good Blake Bortles has looked.  And, much more importantly, forgetting about how good his girlfriend looks in a bikini when she goes to the beach with her friends.  Combine those 2 things together and you’ve got what most would consider to be the perfect combination for a sports smut blog.  Never Forget Lindsey Duke, and if she keeps updating that Instagram, you never will.

 

 

 

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If This Mullet Is Any Indication I Have A Feeling UConn’s Starting QB Is Going To Be My New Favorite College Football Player

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fif-this-mullett-is-any-indication-i-have-a-feeling-uconns-starting-qb-is-going-to-be-my-new-favorite-college-football-player%2F
Aug 2010:05AM EST

 

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Still looking for someone to step in and fill the void that Johnny Football left.  Think this UConn bro might be up to the task?  If that vicious lettuce is any indication, yes absolutely.

Thought we had a candidate with Texas headshot bro -

 

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Until he pussied out and shaved it off like a total pussy.  Enter: UConn’s Casey Cochran, singlehandedly keeping the mullet game alive in the Northeast.  Flow for days.  Unstoppable salad.  Business in the front, party in the back, probably undefeated record on the field and AAC title.

Browns Name Brian Hoyer Week 1 Starter After Johnny Manziel’s Preseason Middle Finger

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fbrowns-name-brian-hoyer-week-1-starter-after-johnny-manziels-preseason-middle-finger%2F
Aug 209:30AM EST

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CLEVELAND, OhioBrowns coach Mike Pettine admitted Tuesday that Johnny Manziel losing his cool in Washington and flipping off the Redskins will factor into his decision on a starting quarterback.

BEREA, OhioDespite awful performances by both of his quarterbacks in Monday night’s loss at Washington, Browns coach Mike Pettine announced Tuesday he has chosen Brian Hoyer over Johnny Manziel to start the season opener against the Steelers Sept. 7.

Pettine’s decision came two days after Hoyer managed just one field goal in his four first-half drives – despite great field position produced by an opportunistic Browns defense.

Manziel clearly demonstrated in Washington that he’s not ready to take over the reins. He was just as bad as Hoyer in the first half, completing 2-of-7 attempts for 29 yards with no touchdowns and no interceptions and a 44.3 rating.

What’s more, Manziel flipped off the Redskins’ bench. Pettine said he’d address the gesture with Manziel, who is subject to a fine by the NFL.

 

 

 

BOOOOOOO.  BOOOOOOO.  Listen should Manziel start? Probably not. And I’m basing that on the fact that he personally said “I don’t think I’m ready to start.”  I watched the Skins game just like everyone else and it’s clear that he has a LOT to work on, but it’s also clear he’s 100% self aware of that fact and knows his limitations right now.  But are you kidding me with using a middle finger in the middle of a football game as your excuse?  Are you that cowardly?  That you can’t just come out and say that, as head football coach, you want to start Hoyer because you think he gives you a better chance to win?   Like I said yesterday.  The middle finger is a move used by every 12 year old and middle aged housewife stuck in traffic in the country.  Young, elderly, everyone in between flips the bird.   Watch any NFL football game and see each play end with at least 2 guys telling each other fuck this fuck that fuck you fuck him.  But all of a sudden if you put it in finger form it means you have the worst character in the history of sports and aren’t fit to run a team.  Got it.   Guess it’s true what they print on t-shirts, Haters Gonna Hate.

 

 

 

 

 

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Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Sydney from County College of Morris

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fbarstool-u-smokeshow-of-the-day-sydney-from-county-college-of-morris%2F
Aug 209:00AM EST

 

 

Introducing Sydney from County College of Morris.  Hump Day bitches, let’s do this!

 

 

Charli XCX – Break The Rules

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fcharli-xcx-break-the-rules%2F
Aug 199:00PM EST

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Still flying high off the Fancy and Boom Clap wave, Charli XCX drops her new bass heavy, grungy pop, drunk anthem single, “Break The Rules.”

Barstool CFB Season Preview: Baylor

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fbarstool-cfb-season-preview-baylor%2F
Aug 198:00PM EST

 

Editor’s Note:  That was my bad running the Texas preview again earlier, had duplicates in the Drafts and got confused.  -KM

 

Program Outlook:

Baylor, once the laughingstock of College Football in Texas (along with Rice, who doesn’t even really count), is at the currently the most successful in terms of wins and losses in the state of the past 3 years. They’re the only team from Texas to make a BCS Bowl since 2011, have had 2 double-digit win seasons in the past 3 years, and are the clear favorites to be the best team in the state right now. Unfortunately, I think the relative success (in comparison to the rest of program history) is going to be a bit of a high-water mark for them. With the previously-decaying Texas program being revitalized in the Charlie Strong era, the infusion of money and exposure Texas A&M will receive from the SEC Network, Kliff Kingsbury taking over Texas Tech (terrific recruiter and quarterback savant), and TCU emerging from a lull, Baylor’s tenure at the top will be brief. I still think they’ll be solid for years to come, Art Brile’s offensive acumen and extensive network of relationships from his time as a Texas High School Coaching legend alone will keep them respectable, I don’t see Baylor being a consistent Big 12 Contender in the long run.

Best Program Tradition:

Sic ‘em Bears makes me laugh every time for reason so I’m picking that.

Over/Under:

Right now it’s set at 9.5. A curiously low number when you consider that they SHOULD be favored in every game they play except Oklahoma and maybe Texas depending on how the Longhorns look in the early season and bounce back from some the losses they’ve sustained this offseason. Last year Baylor was a top-25 defense (exactly top-25 actually, they ranked 25th by Football Outsiders). The offense was perhaps the most exciting outside of Eugene, Oregon with an average of over 60 points and nearly 700 yards per game, and destroyed the Sooners 41-12. Quarterback Bryce Petty’s return would indicate the offense should operate at a fairly high level, even with all three of his best offensive weapons being sophomores and a lot of his offensive line being replaced. The problem with Baylor, historically and currently, is depth. But as long as the Bears remain healthy, I don’t see them losing more than twice. I’ll cautiously take the over.

Obligatory Hype Video:

Barstool U Smokeshow of the Day – Lyna from FAU

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fbarstool-u-smokeshow-of-the-day-lyna-from-fau%2F
Aug 195:30PM EST

 

 

Introducing Lyna from FAU.  #1 on Smokesmash right now, #1 in your hearts.

Motorcycle Guy Gets In Massive Accident, Somehow Survives With Miraculous Gymnast Flip

http%3A%2F%2Fbarstoolu.barstoolsports.com%2Frandom-thoughts%2Fmotorcycle-guy-gets-in-massive-accident-somehow-survives-with-miraculous-gymnast-flip%2F
Aug 194:50PM EST

 

 

Hooooly shit. I love these near miss videos as much as any genre of viral video online. There is legitimately no reason this guy should have survived this situation but there he is, hanging out on top just ghost riding the whip. One of those moments that should theoretically change your life forever and make you cherish every minute you’re alive but would probably last only two days before you’re back to jerking off on a towel that’s stiff as an ironing board from months of splooge, sniffing your own ass crack, and pounding pints of Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream to top it all off. But that one minute after you survive this? Pure magic and joy you can never top.

 

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One of the commenters on a previous blog wondered why I go with Liveleak videos so often and this is exactly why. It’s like having a personal concierge for the kind of videos I like. The NFL Redzone of Internet-worthy videos, just pounding it into the end zone over and over again everyday. When you watch/read 1,000 things a day you simply can’t put a price on that kind of convenience.